Tee's Seasons of Life

Still I Rise

2020-08-14T00:48:00.001-04:00

This blog is for people like me who have been victims of domestic violence and who have found their way out and are now survivors of it. It's for people who are still in their abusive relationships and situations yearning to be free. It's for people who care about or know someone who is or has been a victim and want to help but don't understand how.

It's for people who understand very well what abuse does to a person and helps those who have been wounded internally as well as externally. It's for people who want to know more about the issue of domestic violence and the real impact it has on individuals, families and children. It's for people who are just curious and those just out here surfing.

I welcome anyone and everyone to read my blog and to share it with others. I hope to educate those who don't know anything about domestic violence and encourage those who know it all too well. I want to provide information for those who are seeking it and hope for those who are losing it. It's for those who are hurting and those who need healing.

It's not just about what domestic violence did to me, but more importantly about what God will now do through me. I invite you to witness it along with me.

Don't get it twisted, I am still in the eye of this storm in my life. I have left him, but my abuser is not letting me off so easily, he's not done yet. Since he can't get to me, he's using the long arms of the law and the court systems to reach me and try to knock me around. He can't get his hands around my throat so he is withholding financial support from me and his four children to try and strangle and choke the life out of me.

I have done a lot of crying, but the time is coming for my mourning to turn to dancing and my sorrow to turn to joy. Trust me, those words are spoken in faith, because I don't feel like dancing or being joyful right now.

I told my husband at some point shortly after I left him, that my life has been reduced to a line out of a song:

"Eleven years out of my life,

besides the kids I have nothing to show...

I shoulda have left your a$$ a long time ago."

Well I can't say that I'm not gon' cry no more, because unlike for him, the relationship was real for me. I committed myself to him and our family no matter how hard it was and I chose to truly love him in spite of himself and the fact that he didn't deserve me or my love.

What I can say is that I will reclaim my life, my identity, my self worth and I will build a new life for me and our children out of the ashes of our former life. I will help our children heal from the trauma and fear they endured their entire lives. We will forgive him completely and be completely at peace with all he did to hurt us. I will help them see that their heavenly Father is good and not identify Him with all their earthly father did that was bad. We will all be healthy, happy and whole ~ body, mind and soul.

Which reminds me of another song...

"Shattered, but I'm not broken

Wounded, but time will heal

Heavy the load, the cross I bear

Lonely the road I trod, I dare.

Shaken, but here I stand

Weary, still I press on

Long are the nights, the tears I cry

Dark are the days, no sun in the sky,

Yet still I rise

Never to give up

Never to give in against all odds

Yet still I rise

High above the clouds

At times I feel low

Yet still I rise. "

"Still I Rise"

*The picture is of the mythological bird the Phoenix, rising up out of the ashes of it's death. It is symbolic of rebirth. I too, will rise again out of the ashes of my former life.

How Do I Do It?

2011-11-09T10:20:00.001-05:00

So often when I talk to people and they learn of the schedule of my daily life, and they see how smart my children are, and how well they are taken care of, they ask me in astonishment, "How do you do it!!?"

I was just asked that question yesterday while on an interview to add a second job, outside the home, to my already crammed, daily life. I am sometimes at a loss for words when that question is posed, and I truthfully have to begin by saying, "I don't know."

I then speak the only thing I do know, "God gives me the strength." By myself, I can do nothing. But with God, I can.

When I collapse in bed at midnight, after getting up at 5am, going to work, homeschooling 3 children, grocery shopping, cooking dinner, washing dishes, baths, brushed teeth, bedtime and hugs & kisses, I often marvel, at what was squeezed into my 17 hour day. I spend a few moments thinking, "How long will this go on??? I'm only human."

My favorite scripture for many years now has been, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4.13). I hand wrote it and taped it to a wall in the house of pain that I used to share with my abusive husband. Days when I didn't think I could go on because of what the violence was doing to my soul, I'd see that scripture on the wall, amongst the children's drawings, scribbles and words I hung everywhere to teach them to read, and I knew I could make it.

I didn't know how, but I knew I would. I didn't know when, but I knew someday, the suffering I lived with day in and day out, would come to an end.

Today, I would like to encourage you, as I encourage me. God can and He will bring you through anything, if you trust Him and depend on Him to do it. He sees your pain and He wants to help you and trade His life of peace, for your life of war. He will heal your pain.

Christ gave me the strength to survive 10 years of abuse and He continues to give me the strength to recover from it. He is giving me the strength to raise my children on my own. And He will give me the strength to work a second job to provide for them if that's what it takes, as their abusive, cold & unloving father, has decided he will not.

One day all five of my children will have all graduated from college, be married, and have families and children of their own. They will rise up and call me blessed (Proverbs 31.28), and they will love me more than words can say, the way I love them everyday. Not for being a perfect mother, not for always getting it right, but for being a good mother.

For loving them by never giving up, even when the going was really, really tough.

For loving them by never abandoning them or casting aside my responsibility to them.

For loving them by putting them and their needs first and far above mine.

For loving them by not ever choosing a man over them.

They will totally understand and fully appreciate all of the sacrifice, blood, sweat and tears that it took to do, what I am doing now and will continue to do for years to come. From their good lives, I will receive, "the sweet reward of all my labor." (Proverbs 31.31)

And one day, my soul will look back and wonder.....how I got over.

"God Can"

by James Fortune & FIYA

Monsters Are Real

2011-10-31T22:43:00.003-04:00

Today is Halloween, the last day of October, which is also the last day of Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

I'm just not sure anyone is more aware of the plague of domestic violence and family abuse than they were in September.

Both adults and children will put on costumes to trick or treat, to party and to scare, all in fun.

But we must always be aware, that there are real monsters out there.

Monsters that don't have fangs, or rotting flesh. They don't make you scream when you see them walking down the street. Nevertheless, they are the scariest monsters of all. They are the men and sometimes women, that bring fear, terror and pain to those they are supposed to love.

They are the ones that cause us to tremble under our covers, keep us awake at night, and give us nightmares. They make the day as dark and scary as the night. They break our bones, hearts and spirits. They spill our blood and cause death to our dreams, souls and bodies. They suck life and hope, out of us. They are the real flesh eaters, zombies and vampires.

They are hard to spot because they look just like everyone else. They hold good jobs, they are leaders in their communities. They are the nicest guys on their blocks, they are polite and helpful to strangers. They are always smiling.

Don't be fooled. That is only how they appear to others. Behind closed doors, to their families, they are frightfully terrifying.

Remember, violent serial killers or mass murderers, can appear charming too.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month happens to be in the same month as Breast Cancer Awareness. But I don't think it's such a good idea. Both issues are very important and affect so many people that they should each have their own month in which to be brought front and center.

For me, the problem is that people seem to embrace the issue of breast cancer, while they ignore the issue of domestic violence.

Why is that?

Maybe because people feel that breast cancer is something that the victim can't help or didn't cause, unlike domestic violence right? We must've done something to make him hit us.

Maybe they feel that breast cancer is something that the victim didn't want or ask for, unlike domestic violence right? We must want it or we would just leave.

Maybe they see breast cancer victims as those deserving of compassion, unlike domestic violence victims. Why feel compassion for someone who could help herself but won't.

Maybe they feel breast cancer is an issue that concerns us all, unlike domestic violence which is a personal one. Right? Hey, not our business. What goes on in someone's home is private. Man's gotta a right to keep his family in line anyway he wants to.

I don't know what the reasons are, but all month long, I saw pink ribbons everywhere. I saw them in the supermarket, in store windows, on TV, and a variety of products from balloons, doughnuts, potato chips and cookies. People wore T-shirts and ran races for a cure.

I didn't see a purple ribbon anywhere, except at the candlelight vigil I attended in honor of victims and survivors of domestic violence. It was not on a single bag of chips, in a single store window, on a single commercial, or cookie. No one ran a race to put an end to domestic violence.

If I weren't a survivor of domestic violence, I wouldn't be aware of the issue at all and actually wasn't until I became one. I certainly wouldn't know there is a month dedicated to bringing the issue to light. Both breast cancer and domestic violence are extremely significant issues and they both affect women. Actually, domestic violence affects men and children too.

I just feel one is less threatening to the general public and more commercial in terms of selling products. Breast cancer doesn't make people feel uncomfortable, domestic violence does. Why are people so uneasy about it? Is it because they know its wrong and when they know it's going on and don't do or say anything about it, they feel guilt and shame?

Well, I don't know a single person whose had breast cancer. None of my friends or family. Yet, I am very cognizant of the breast cancer issue. The same should be said of domestic violence. People should be as aware of domestic violence as they are of breast cancer.

But domestic violence is pushed to the back, swept under the rug, hid in the closet, the dark secret in our society.

It's not fair. Women die due to domestic violence, just like they die due to breast cancer. But breast cancer doesn't send women to the emergency room with fractured and broken bones. It doesn't give them black eyes and busted lips. It doesn't cause their bodies to be covered with purple, black and blue bruises all over. It doesn't cause their children to live in terror or grow up and repeat the cycle. Children also die because of domestic violence, they don't die of breast cancer.

I would suggest that Domestic Violence Awareness Month be moved to February - a month that people associate with love. Let's associate it with broken hearts for the love that has been twisted and perverted and turned into a weapon. But then again it would probably just be overshadowed by chocolate, hearts, roses and cupids.

What about January? Too much winding down from the holidays and settling into the New Year.

March? Shamrocks and Leprechauns.

April? Easter.

May? Mother's Day.

June? Graduations.

July? Hmmm...maybe, it quiets down after the 4th.

August? Strong possibility. Nothing special going on this month.

September? Back to school.

November? Thanksgiving.

December? Christmas.

My vote would be for moving Domestic Violence Awareness Month to August. No distracting symbols going on during that month, giving the purple ribbons an opportunity to be seen and the association to the issue to take root.

But whether or not there is a month that centers around this issue, it is something that I personally believe almost everyone has come in direct contact with. Whether its the doctors or other health care workers that treat victims, whether it's a family member, friend, co-worker, neighbor, we can all think of someone that has been effected by this.

Aside from myself, I've had numerous family members, some friends, fellow church members and co-workers, that were direct victims of violence.

Domestic violence is a universal pandemic and just as urgent as any other issue that affects the health, physical or mental well being, and quality of life of a human being.

And we all need to care about that.

Another Look at "The Color Purple"

2011-10-20T21:40:00.004-04:00

"Til You Do Right By Me (and Yo' Kids, Jeff), Everything You Even Think About Gonna Fail"

The Color Purple is one of my favorite movies of all time. I loved this movie long before I ever really knew what domestic violence was. The character Albert, played to a perfect ugliness, by Danny Glover, was so detestable. My heart broke for Celie and all the heartache, pain, physical, verbal, sexual and emotional abuse he put her through.

As a viewer, you wanted to see him "get his," and kinda hoped she would cut his throat that day she was about to give him his last shave. But, I was glad and took a sigh of relief when Shug stopped her. He was a despicable and worthless human being that put her through so much hell. But he was not worth losing the rest of her life over.

The title of the movie never clicked with me until the other day. The color purple is the color that has been chosen to be a symbol of domestic violence. I don't know why or how the color was chosen, but it makes the title of the movie that much more apropos.

I have included a link here to a scene from the movie in which Celie has finally summoned the strength, with the help of Shug (ironically, her husband's mistress) to take back her life and leave him. He continues to be verbally abusive and berate her until the very end, but this scene is so powerful because Celie has made up her mind that this day would be the last one she'd ever be subjected to his abuse again.

This scene also contains my favorite line. As she is leaving, Celie says to Albert, "Til you do right by me, everything you even think about gonna fail!" I loved it from the first time I saw it two decades ago. Now it is even more meaningful to me, as I have gone through a life with an Albert of my own, and I too, have broken free.

When I think about it, everything my husband has tried to do against me and my children since I left him, has failed. It is clear to see that he is living the truth that, "until you do right, all you do will go wrong." (Lauryn Hill)

While looking for this scene on YouTube, I stumbled across a video someone put together using scenes from the movie. The song that is playing was written by an artist named Kristy Lee, and it's called, "45."

"She Had Enough"

You've Been Served

2011-08-07T15:22:00.003-04:00

I told you, you can't hide forever. Now that you've been served, you are obligated to inform the Bronx Family Court of your current address at which you receive mail.

Personally, I think it's disgraceful, shameful (for normal people), and should be illegal, for you to pay a stranger $40 an hour to babysit you while you visit with kids you say you don't have the money to pay child support for.

You are paying him with their child support money!!! You are paying him in 3 hours, what it takes you to pay your kids in 3 months!!!

But it's all good. You've been served! In front of several witnesses, served by a PA State Constable, it's soooooo official.

The attorney handling this case will know first thing in the morning, when you are supposed to be in court for the 9:30am hearing, that you are aware that they are looking for you. There's really only one way out of the trouble that lies ahead for you....

Pay your child support!!! Take care of your 4 young children!!!

I know it kills you, that you can't control and abuse me economically anymore. The days of doling out money to me for toilet paper and toothpaste are over. You think you can continue to make my life miserable by holding back the money?

Well, you CAN'T and you're NOT! Oh, did I mention.......

It has only come to boomerang back on you. You will eventually end up behind bars if you don't pay.
Is it really worth it??? Gosh! (in Napoleon Dynamite voice.)

You act like pharaoh. If God says, "Let my people go!," and He sets them free, you need to just do it. Don't fight the Almighty.

It's already catching up to you....

And to think you called me stupid and dumb so many times in the past. Ha! Whose the real dummy now?

Time is the judge of all things, right? Well time has shown and proven.

You think so much of yourself because you rock chess on a board. Pssst...whatever.

Baby, I rock it in life! You're in check.

And just in case I forgot to mention it.....

Have You Seen This Man?

2011-08-01T00:01:00.001-04:00

AS OF AUGUST 1, 2011,
THE DEADBEAT SEEN BELOW,
OWES $55,835
IN UNPAID CHILD SUPPORT!

HIS WILLFUL FAILURE
TO OBEY THE COURT ORDER IS
CONSIDERED CRIMINAL NON-SUPPORT
OR CONTEMPT.

Basically Jeff, this makes you an outlaw, just like the guys in that wanted poster. I guess that's why you're hiding out from the courts in NY, trying to evade service of the summons to appear on this matter.

They should have these types of offender 

posters in NYC. 

Oh, well. Those glasses aren't big enough for you to hide behind and you can't hide forever, Jeff.

You can't hide forever.....

Why Won't You Support Your Kids???

2011-07-31T17:55:00.005-04:00

How do you look yourself in the mirror everyday?

You know that somewhere in this world you have 4 young children that you should be supporting,

but you DON'T.

How do you live with yourself?

Oh, I forgot. Your brain ain't wired like mine.

You have NO conscience.

I hope you don't have conversations with people in which you are trying to give them enlightenment. All your talk of truth, knowledge, wisdom, and understanding, when you have none of it yourself, makes you a fraud.

I hope you aren't still wasting money on bootleg Farrakhan DVDs that talk about the black family, when you have abandoned your black children. I think you just like saying, "Respect," to the guys on 125th street you buy them from. You were so happy to have once had your picture taken with Minister Farrakhan. The truth is, he'd throw up, if he knew the kind of person you really are.

You don't deserve one ounce of respect from anyone. You have 3 sons and they have 0 fathers. You don't even amount to 1/2 of a man.

There are dudes out there slinging, to make sure they provide for their kids. Some doing time for it. They deserve more respect than you because they were willing to do what ever it takes to provide for their seeds. That makes them more of a man than you will ever be.

How do your friends even stomach your presence knowing you abused your wife for years, while preaching to them? How can they stand knowing your family had to run from you for safety?

How do they hang out with you and the 800 pound gorilla in the midst?

You are about to pay a strange man $50 an hour to babysit you, while you visit with your kids.

You can't wait to hand their child support money over to him.

It should be against the law for you to pay someone to visit with kids you aren't supporting.

How many thousands have you paid your various attorneys, loser?

If you can't afford to pay your child support, how can you afford to pay anyone else???

Even Einstein can't add that one up!

Don't you think your kids need that money more than a visitation supervisor?

I guess the truth is, you don't think about it, because the truth is you don't care.

So come on down fake a$$ dad and put on another black face show for the white man and pretend that you love your kids.

Open wide so that they can see all those nasty teeth in your stinking mouth and let out that phoney laugh you've perfected, nice and loud so they can hear it echo in Kenya.

Then when that hour or two is up, reach in your wallet and pull out the Benjamins that you have put aside for another man to support his family, while your kids go home with earfuls of empty promises and nothing in their pockets.

Go support Mr. S's kids, with your $50 or $150, so he can leave your dumb visit and go take his kids out for Rita's wit yo' kids' money!

Come on down, you're the next contestant on, "If I Don't Gotta Support My Kids, Then the Price is Just Right!"

Really Jeff?.....Really???

2011-07-21T20:15:00.002-04:00

Monday, July 18th, there was supposed to be a hearing in Lehigh County Court in regards to my husband's visitation with our children. He didn't show up. Instead he called in, in spite of there being an order for all parties to appear in person.

Tuesday July 19, 2011, that good for nothing, deadbeat dad, soon to be ex-husband, called his kids for the first time since November 2009.

Why?

Because he has an order to call them.

It took a white man with a pen and pad and the power to issue a worthless order, for this negro to call his kids.

Really, Jeff? Really?

Three out of our four kids have had birthdays already pass this year. As he has done for the past three years, he didn't send a gift or a card and he didn't call them, text them, or email them.

He has no intelligent, logical reason for not calling them all this time. Now that "the man" has given him a schedule - Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday at 7pm, he was right on time.

Talk about stupid and dumb. No one ever stopped this man from calling his kids. He just stopped on his own. In the hearing on Monday, I brought up the fact that he has abandoned the kids in every way, not supporting (about $60,000 in arrears), not seeing, and not even calling them to say, "Hi or Happy Birthday." The hearing officer asked him if it were true and why hadn't he called his kids. Jeff kept saying, "Sir, sir, sir..." He had no answer.

So I guess in his mind, some magical wand has been waved now that there is an order to call.

In my mind, it's retarded to need a court order to do something you claim you've been wanting to do, but haven't been doing, and the only one that stopped you from doing it was YOU, fool!

The hearing was a farce. I'll fill you in on that later. So the drongo is back in the picture for now.

I'm Okay!

2011-07-02T13:16:00.002-04:00

I'm sorry. Based on my last post, you probably thought I was going to do something awful to myself. Didn't mean to worry or scare ya. I was just having a moment and needed to vent all my pains and frustrations.

I have these moments from time to time because the load I am bearing is NO @#$% JOKE! And you know, me being human and all. Some days I wish I could lay it all down or pass it off to someone else. Jesus says to cast our cares on Him because He cares for us. He says to take His yoke, for it is easy and light. Guess I don't know how to do that completely just yet.

Just wanted you to know all is well. My head is clear and back on straight. There's a renewed strength that has returned, which comes to replenish me when I reach the end of my rope. Work is keeping me extremely busy with days that begin when the alarm goes off at 6:00am, until we return home at 6:30pm. The kids and housework take up the rest of the day. To say I'm tired is an understatement, I'm exhausted beyond belief, but I keep it moving. The life I live is not for the weak, faint of heart or unequipped. I also believe that God gives me an anointing to get through this period of my life. When I collapse in bed around midnight and I recall my day, I'm amazed sometimes at how much I actually had to do and that I got it all done.

In a world where only the strong survive, one's level of strength and ability to endure, matter a lot. It is the difference between life and death....I'm still standing.

My personal life may be looking up too.....

I was so damaged and wounded when I left my husband 2 years ago, I had no interest in ever being in a relationship again. Even the good ones can be draining and take a lot of work and focus on someone else and their needs, idiosyncrasies, habits and quirks. I really wasn't interested in taking even a second of my time to concentrate on some grown man and what I needed to do to keep him happy. I have kids to raise and they come first.

I also truly didn't think I'd ever meet someone that could accept me and my children as a package deal and we are a large package. But it's possible I may have. I'm just not sure if he's the one that God has chosen for me. Can't make moves I'm not 100% sure of. Will not make any more mistakes in that area of my life. Still not sure if maybe I'm just supposed to grow old alone - just raise my kids by myself and devote my life to what God has called me to do....whatever that is. So, I'll just take it more than slow and see what happens. (There's nothing to tell, so don't ask!)

Anyway, I was out of my funky mood several weeks ago, I've just been too busy to write. I'm the coordinator and director of a summer camp right now, and I've never done anything like this before in my life. It's a huge undertaking.

Planning the daily activities for a K-1st grade class and a 2nd-5th grade class, including all of the trips and transportation, the files and required paperwork on each child and tracking their parents down for it. Creating & collecting permission slips, monthly calendars and weekly sign in sheets. Keeping track of the lunch & breakfast - how many were received & how many were served, not serving it one minute before or after the designated time and making sure the next meal is served exactly 3 hours later. I even have to order the milk. Having to keep track of who paid and how much....it goes on and on.

I have a staff to deal with and the different personalities that come with it. The work ethic that people have aren't always the same as ours. Dealing with haters and saboteurs can try anyone's patience. My priority is to make sure that the children are being given the summer that they should have, because this is their vacation, not ours. And all day long I hear, "Ms. Trotter....Ms. Trotter....Ms. Trotter." The kids are calling me, my staff is calling me, the office is calling me, the parents are calling me, the lunch & milk ladies are calling me." Whew! Oy Vay!

Camp is 10 weeks long and we just finished our 3rd week. The summer is zooming by and will be over before we know it. I am going to need a vacation after the kids' summer vacation.

Anyway, I just wanted to take the time to say, "Hi and I'm doing just fine!"

No Words Left to Say

2011-05-05T21:34:00.003-04:00

Right now, I have no words left to say.
I have no way to articulate what I'm feeling and what I'm going through....but I'll try.

I'm tired....but that's not good enough to express how tired.
Fatigued, exhausted, weary, burnt out, beat, drained, & distressed,
weak, faint, vexed, overburdened, & depressed.

I'm mad....but that's not good enough to express how mad.
Angry, livid, furious, infuriated, & enraged,

hot, boiling, fiery, fuming, resentful, hateful,
irate, crabby, peeved, rancorous & deranged.

I'm lonely....but that's not good enough to express how lonely.
Abandoned, alone, deserted & forsaken

isolated, desolated, secluded, rejected, reclusive,
solitary, outcast, cast down, withdrawn & forlorn.

I'm sad....but that's not good enough to express how sad.
Unhappy, gloomy, heartbroken, dismal & heartsick,
melancholy, hurting, dark, gloomy, pitiful,
heavy hearted, dejected, lamentable & oppressed.

I'm lost....but that's not good enough to express how lost I feel I am.....
Confused, adrift, disoriented, gone, & astray,
wandering, vanished, devastated, annihilated, dissipated,

obliterated, eradicated, erased, wasted, vanquished, defeated....
I've strayed.

Can't find my way out
Can't find my way through

Tired of pushing against life
Tired of struggling to survive

Sick of the process
Sick of being a leftover
Worn out by the journey
Disappointed in my Creator

Don't wanna hold on
Don't wanna hang in
Don't wanna keep runnin'
Don't wanna be patient
Don't wanna get up
Don't wanna go over, under or through

I Know what I wanna do....
Stare out the window til the sun goes down
Sip through a straw til I don't hurt no more
I'm giving up
and giving in
Forget about what's right and do what I like
I wanna be me
I wanna do you

Oh, God

Dear Mama,
I'm looking up
where's my Father?

Can't see Him
Don't feel Him
His voice is silent....

I'm falling.....
faster
deeper....
redeem me
save me
Savior....
catch me if you want to
catch me if you can....
Will you break my fall
or just break me...?
You make the call.
I'm done talking.
I'm done praying.

There are no words left to say....
For now, stick a fork in me cause
I'm done.

Daddy, You Missed My Birthday, Again.

2011-04-17T19:55:00.009-04:00

Dear Mr. Jeff Trotter, I have an award to present to you.....drums please, (you can give me a beat on that beautiful djembe I bought you).....I would like to present you with the award for being the "World's Worst Dad!"
(wait for applause).

As it states on the award, it is in recognition of your outstanding deadbeat parenting, which includes not seeing your kids for a year, not paying child support, not calling them in 17 months, including on their birthdays, Christmas, any other significant day, just regular days, and not doing a damn thing that matters in their lives in a positive way! BRAVO!!! You were always the BEST at what you do, and you have continued to shine!

Please take a bow.

I know you could care less, but on April 13th, 2011, our son, Joshua turned 5 years old. The last time you even wished him a Happy Birthday was when he turned 2. You haven't called him or either of his siblings for any of their birthdays, in 2009, 2010, and so far, 2011. Not only have you not called, you didn't send a text, email, e-card, regular card, smoke signal, Morse code, or attempted any communication of any kind. It goes without saying that they didn't get gifts from you for anything. You know what else they didn't get for their birthdays? Their child support.

But you know something funny? On April 13, 2011, on your son's birthday, you sent Verizon $250, to keep your cell phone on. How much did you pay in child support in April? Oh, right, nothing!

You told me when I saw you in court on March 29th, that you pay your cell phone bill instead of the child support because you have to keep the line of communication open with the kids. I had to remind you that you haven't used that open line since November 2009. Oh, but I bet I know who you are keeping that line open for, booty calls, some as far away as Moscow. Yeah, I know about your young Russian girlfriend G. You love her and are going to marry her? That's nice and fine, but you may want to be divorced first....oh, I forgot, you told her you were. But she found out the truth, your girl looked for and found me. The internet is amazing!

To my sweet, forever smiling, Joshua, I'm so so sorry that your dad is a worthless deadbeat, that would rather pay his cell phone bill, than pay your child support so that I could have given you that birthday party at Bounce U that you wanted.

Now Jeff, I know telling the truth is difficult, if not impossible, for you. I am convinced you have an anti-social personality disorder (aka: a sociopath), so it's not your fault. You can't help it. Maybe it was being abandoned by your dad or maybe it was passed down to you in his DNA. Maybe it was growing up with a mom that was cold and distant who could tell her black male child he's nothing but a N!G&ER! Maybe you were raped by one of those Catholic priests in the schools you attended and you've suppressed it. Maybe its a little bit of all of it. Maybe it's none of it. Maybe you're just broken. I don't know and you probably won't ever know either. Here's a link to a site that helped me understand what you are, maybe it can help you too.

http://LoveFraud.com

http://LoveFraud.com/01_WhatsaSociopath/Key_Symptoms_Sociopath.html

You have ALL of the symptoms listed. I know, because I have known you for 13 years and lived with you for ten.

Here's the reality, its incurable. Sadly, you will be this way the rest of your life. You are incapable of love and only have shallow emotions. You lack empathy remorse or guilt. You are pathologically deceitful and extremely manipulative. You don't care about your kids because you can't. You don't care about what you did to me or to their lives, because you can't. You will continue to lie about everything in your life and what you did and what really happened, because that is how you are wired. I feel sorry for you.

You wear those sunglasses all the time because you know you have to hide your eyes. You can't let people look into them, otherwise they might see the horror - a cold lifeless gaze like that of a snake. Your eyes would give you away, and people would see what you are. You are a very scary person. I'm grateful that I escaped with my life, because you are totally capable of murder and could have killed me one day. Then you would have lied about what happened saying you were defending yourself from abusive me and manipulated our children into supporting your version of events.

So maybe I can make a deal with you in terms that speak to you. We both know you only keep interfering in our lives because you want to bother me. It has nothing to do with love for the children. I sacrifice every single day of my life for them. Every single day, everything I do is for my children. I work my fingers to the bone, I get 4-5 hours of sleep a night, and I have no social life outside of them. You do nothing, that ain't love.

Yeah, you can go ahead and laugh and gloat about the fact that I can't go partying and traveling the world doing drugs & having sex with anybody, like you can. I can't sleep until the afternoon and then get up and smoke a blunt, until I go hanging out at night. Yeah, you got your life to yourself and you have your freedom. Because of that, you think I am jealous of you. Ha! Nothing could be further from the truth. You are doing it as an empty lost soul. You love no one and no one loves you.

You are sad, and then one day you are going to die - alone. You will have nothing to show for your life but a trail of bloody, broken, wounded hearts. You will stand before the judgment seat of God and you will have to give an account for your life on that day. I do NOT want to be you! My children and grand children and great grandchildren will be by my side until the end of my days. I won't have enough room in my home to contain all the cards, gifts and handmade love I will receive from them. My heart will be full to overflowing from the joy and love they will have filled my life with.

So here's the deal I'd like to make you. Since you don't pay your child support and don't intend to, why don't you trade me the child support for you staying out of our lives forever? I'll withdraw the child support petition, ask them to cancel the order, if you will sign away your parental rights completely and agree to never file another asinine petition again. You will be completely free to continue doing what you've been doing for the last 2+ years, not seeing, calling or supporting, your kids. I am so sick & tired of you and the drama you bring.
I want nothing from you. I just want to live in peace with my children.

Think about it Jeff. To be free of child support for the next 17 years, just sign away your rights and walk away forever! All your money to do with as you please, without arrears and consequences building up against you. $2,500 a month for the next 10 years is: $300,000!!! That can buy you a lot of weed and a lot of hookers. Instead of just sneaking off to the red light district of Amsterdam for a day or two, doing drugs and hookers, like you did while we were together, you can go live there!

They don't need a Jeff-in-the Box, fake dad, that pops in and out of their lives every couple of years with cornbread and dollar store toys.

For the first time, do one right thing in your life. You don't want to see them, talk to them, support them? Fine. Then please go away forever. They don't need you.

Solomon said it best, he wants a dad, but he doesn't want a dad like YOU!

Now You Owe Us: $46,175

2011-04-05T13:30:00.001-04:00

Okay, so I went to court in Queens again on March 29, 2011. Why? Because the despicable deadbeat wants to have the child support and the arrears he owes, REDUCED! It's almost unfathomable how a person that has not complied with a court order to the level of being in CRIMINAL NON-SUPPORT, can go to that court and say, "Yeah, you know that order that I'm not complying with, I want you to change it in a way that makes me happy."

So you know from my previous posts regarding the child support saga that in 5 appearances before the magistrate, my husband was unsuccessful in convincing the support magistrate that his business was a "not for profit," business and therefore he earned little to no income from it. It was all lies and the magistrate didn't buy it and neither did the judges on the appeal board from which he tried to have the magistrate overturned.

Okay, so Jeff said to himself, "To hell with the court, to hell with the order and to hell with my kids." So he has proceeded to live his life on his terms. He ignored the order, paying what he has felt like paying, which has ranged from $1,000 to $0, which is why he now owes $46,175.

But guess what deadbeat dad does have money for? To pay his lawyer. To pay his cell phone bill, and to cover his other "recreational" habits. *Cough cough*

What's his latest strategy to get out of supporting his 4 young kids? Unemployment. He claimed to me that although his record company and booking agency are doing well by all appearances, he is no longer a part of it.

W Record Official Website

http://wrecord.ru.com/flash.htm

After all, who wants to be a part of something successful? Duh! Then he had the audacity to accuse me of being jealous of him right after telling me he's out of business! LOL!!! He really needs to become a comedian, because the stuff that comes out of his mouth is beyond funny! He'd make a fortune in Vegas off of his courtroom routines.

I suggested that he get a JOB. But that is a dirty word to him. He said that he would make less money if he got a job. Come again? How do you make less than NOTHING? There he goes with that fuzzy math again.

Scenario: I make $0 now. Then I get a job, even a low paying job, making let's say, $300 a week. I would be making less than what I make now - $0, see?

Oh, I really want to be him. An abusive, violent man, that destroyed his family, has abandoned all parental responsibilities toward his children, that no decent person could possibly respect. Yeah, right, sure.

Just like all abusive people do and say the same things, so do all deadbeats. If they got a job or a business, they try and hide the money or claim they make less than they do. When that doesn't work, they will quit their jobs, or go out of business or claim they did, to avoid taking care of their kids. What the hell is up with that? Real men will take care of their children even if they had to get 2 or 3 jobs to do it.

He was giving advice to a young man that had just had his child support hearing. While he was telling me he's out of business, I told that young man that was standing there listening, "Don't take advice from him. He owes his kids $43,000. He'll have you going to jail." He laughed.

Anyway, the case was dismissed because he told the magistrate that he didn't expect me to be there because he didn't serve me and came unprepared. He didn't bring a single piece of his homemade, fabricated, papers to court, in spite of it being his petition. Every time I step into the courthouse, I practically have my entire file cabinet with me. You just never know what you are going to need or be asked to show and prove. Plus since you don't know whether or not the other party is going to come, you just always come prepared - period. At least intelligent people do.

Oh, well. She told him he would have to file again and he skipped out merrily to immediately get on the petition line again. So I guess I will await the petition's return. In the meantime, the arrears will only get bigger. I don't know why he just won't take out a business loan to pay it or borrow money from one of his rich friends. Surely he has real friends, right?

I was surprised to learn that his passport has been revoked due to the huge amount of child support he owes. You know what he told the Domestic Relations Unit to try and get it back? He said that he needed to go to MOSCOW to have SURGERY! He gave them another one of his fabricated pieces of proof - a letter in all Russian. I guess the letter was from his Ukrainian brain surgeon. LOL!!! They told him, NO! I asked him about his surgery several times when I saw him. He just stared at me and didn't answer. LOL!!!

This man still stresses me out. I thought escaping would put an end to the misery he has caused me all these years. But he's like herpes. A effed up mess that you're stuck with for life because you gave somebody some a$$.
I dream I was Jeannie - a bob of the head and *poof!*

I have been going through a lot lately because of him and what he's doing and not doing. It's been starting to get me down and I have been crying lately. But today I remembered something Joyce Meyer said, "Don't panic. This is only a test." I have to keep in mind that God has BIG plans for my life. I don't know what they are, but I sense them. So the enemy is fighting hard to take me down before I get there. He wants me to give up. He wants me to throw in the towel, curse God and die.

But you know what? No matter how much it hurts, no matter how hard I cry, I will NEVER give up. Why? Because I can't. I've never been a quitter. I'm a survivor. I'm an overcomer. I am a daughter of the King. Another reason is, I'm simply curious. I want to know what's at the end waiting for me. I want to see what's over the rainbow. I also can't give the enemy the satisfaction of breaking me.

So I gotta keep going. I have to show my kids how to do this life thing. I gotta show them how to win even when it feels like you're losing. I gotta teach them how to believe God for themselves. And they're seeing it, they're learning. They may see me cry, but they see me dry my face and they see me go on and push through every day. They see me dead tired, but they don't see me lay down and they won't ever, ever see me give up!!!

International Women's Day

2011-03-08T13:07:00.002-05:00

Today is the 100th Anniversary of International Women's Day. It is a national holiday in many countries.

But no matter where you are in the world, you either are a woman or know one. Being a woman represents so many things. We are mothers, daughters, wives, leaders, teachers, fighters.

This is a day that women on every continent can celebrate and embrace their sisterhood in unity.

Men may be physically stronger, but there is a strength that God put in women that no man could ever touch or understand. We bring forth life from our bodies.

We are survivors of all kinds of things.

We survive rape.

We survive abuse.

We survive when he leaves.

We survive war and atrocities.

We survive homelessness.

We survive brokenness.

We raise our children on our own, when we have to.

We support them on next to nothing, if we have to.

We work while we go to school, if we have to.

We help each other get through heartbreak and heartache, when we have to.

We hurt.

We cry.

We love.

We forgive.

We keep our heads up.

We rise up.

We do what we gotta do.

We are the strength of our children.

We go on when the going is tough.

We hold on, we don't give up.

We keep it moving, we don't stop.

We worship.

We trust.

We believe.

We keep hope alive.

We are women.

Sensitive.

Strong.

Beautiful.

I love my sisters!

I celebrate you!

Celebrate and love yourself.

You are beautiful.

You are strong.

You are a WOMAN!!!

I Want a Dad

2011-02-23T19:53:00.000-05:00

"It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father."
- Pope John XXIII"

This morning while we were getting ready for school and work, Solomon asked me, "Does a man ask a woman to marry him or does the woman ask the man?" I said, the man is supposed to ask the woman. I added that women can ask men, but I wouldn't ask a man, I want a man to ask me.

He then told me that he wanted me to marry someone cool. I laughed and said, "Okay....why are you saying all this?" He said, "Because I want a dad." My heart broke as I said, "But you already have a dad." He said, "Not a dad like that. I mean a real dad that lives with us."

Wow! What could I say to that? I knew exactly what he meant. He meant a dad that's there. A dad that's here. A dad that is a real part of his life. Not some guy that contributed half of his DNA, contributes next to nothing in support and is more of an urban legend than a reality. Dads that are strictly biological are as good as no dad at all.

All at once I understood two things:
1. He's healing, because he's thinking about a replacement for his absent father.
2. He's still hurting because he's thinking about a replacement for his absent father.

And yet again I was powerless to give him what he wants. I couldn't make his father do the right thing by us, and I can't find the perfect dad today.

I tried to explain to him that there's no 'daddy store,' where I can go and pick out a new dad. I also reminded him that I'm always either with them or at work and it's hard to meet someone that way. Now of course this entire conversation took place in the presence of Justina and Joshua. So I let them all know that right now, its my job to take care of and raise them and I wanna do it right. I don't want to go out and look for men just so that there can be a man in the house. Most of them would be no good and I don't want to have any more bad men in our lives.

I will never again settle for a man that doesn't appeal to every part of me. He has to LOVE the Lord and have his own mature relationship with Him, no piggy backing and hiding behind mine. He has to be kind, patient and gentle. He has to be intelligent, hard working, and drug free. And if there is a next time around, he HAS to be good looking too! I want a man that I find attractive on the inside and the OUTSIDE. I see a lot of good looking God loving men, and if I'm gonna have one, I want one of those! If I'm gonna be eye candy for him, I want him to be eye candy for me. No more UGLY men!

So it's all up to God. If He has someone out there for us, then He will help him find us. I say, 'us' and not 'me,' because we are a package deal. Whoever wants to love me, has to love my children too. If it's not meant to be, then so be it. With God's help, I will continue to raise my children alone, as I've done through good times and bad, for the past two years.

It won't be easy, but I know that I can do this because, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me the strength." Philippians 4.13

"Dismissed!"

2011-01-20T10:21:00.008-05:00

Don't worry about the wicked.

Don't envy those who do wrong. For like grass, they soon fade away. Like springtime flowers, they soon wither.

Trust in the LORD and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart's desires.

Commit everything you do to the LORD. Trust him, and he will help you. He will make your innocence as clear as the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.

Be still in the presence of the LORD, and wait patiently for him to act. Don't worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes. Stop your anger. Turn from your rage. Do not envy others -- it only leads to harm.

For the wicked will be destroyed, but those who trust in the LORD will possess the land.

In a little while, the wicked will disappear. Though you look for them, they will be gone.

Those who are gentle and lowly will possess the land; they will live in prosperous security.

The wicked plot against the godly; they snarl at them in defiance.

But the Lord just laughs, for he sees their day of judgment coming.

The wicked draw their swords and string their bows to kill the poor and the oppressed, to slaughter those who do right. But they will be stabbed through the heart with their own swords, and their bows will be broken. (Psalm 37.1-15)

I LOVE the LORD! The more trials I face, the more I marvel at how God turns things around in my favor. The bible says, "If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8.31) I stand still in awe as He wins battles so flawlessly. With each victory He gives me, I have learned to do less and believe more. I worry less and pray more. I stress less and trust more. I say less and glorify more.

GOD is SO GOOD. Words aren't good enough to truly express the goodness of God. I can't believe how much He loves me, how much He has done for me and how much He wants to do for me. I feel so small and insignificant on this planet, but to God, I matter. I am important to Him and what goes on in my life concerns Him.

I just wanted to take a moment to give God glory because of who He is and all He does. Even the things I can't see and won't ever know.

Yet again, God gave me victory over the one who has chosen by his free will, to be an instrument of the enemy, against me. Drama has two faces, comedy and tragedy. What went on in court was a comical tragedy. When my husband spoke, he made no sense whatsoever. Even the judge had to ask him several times, "What are you talking about???" He stammered and stuttered, repeated himself and went in circles.

I just shook my head, almost laughing on the inside. I made eye contact with a couple of the court personnel that were up behind the bench with the judge and we had the same look on our faces, a smirk and a silent, "This is so ridiculous," as they shook their heads too.

The judge dealt with his petition in which he accused me of violating the court order regarding his visitation first. He stated in his petition that he had, "been denied visitation completely." (Remember, he had stopped coming to see the children 8 months ago.) The judge began looking through all the hearings and orders from 2009 trying to figure out where to begin.

I told her that I could clarify things and quickly explained that visitation was being handled in Pennsylvania through Catholic Charities and I had the paperwork to show her. She took my evidence, looked through it, then looked up at him and said, "Sir, when did you plan on telling me about this case in Pennsylvania?" His sad attempt at an explanation for misleading the court, made sense to no one but him. She cut him off and said, "There was a hearing in PA, you appeared, she appeared, there was a ruling. This case is under PA jurisdiction."

He kept going around and around in his attempt to explain to her that PA shouldn't have been involved because the final order was from NY. I can never really repeat much of what he says verbatim, because it's so Mad Hatter, it's hard to follow without a script. In any event, she basically told him that it was in PA's hands and he has to take it up, down here.

Dismissed.

Next, his petition for a permanent order of protection, for which he was granted a temporary one on October 21, 2010. In his lie filled petition to be protected from me, he accused me of posting lies on the Internet about him that amounted to libel, calling his business associates to slander his good name and "assassinate his character" (one of his favorite phrases), said I was homicidal, and that he was afraid of me. Go ahead, laugh! LOL!!! A man who spent a decade being violent and abusive to me, wants someone to believe he needs protection from me! Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Again, this was an easy one for the judge. She and I both understood why there was nothing wrong with my posting online or anywhere else for that matter. It's called the 1st Amendment; that bothersome part of the Constitution that irritates people who want to shut other people up and control them. I already knew that the truth is an absolute and obvious defense to both libel and slander. The judge had to inform him of that bit of reality.

He must have forgotten that our three oldest children witnessed all the abuse. He must have forgotten my oldest son, witnessed the abuse almost every time he came to visit. He must have forgotten that he told my mother he would never hit me again after she found out he fractured my rib. He must have forgotten the times I fled to my father's or sister's house with the children after an altercation. He must have forgotten that he admitted it to outsiders who I sought help from - like Rev. Clarke from Safe Horizons, an elder that we met with at Christian Cultural Center, Pastor Durso, Pastor Thomas & our marriage counselors, the Walkers, at Christ Tabernacle.

Another defense to libel is opinion. I had lived with and known this man intimately for 11 years. Based on my direct interaction, knowledge and experience with him, I most definitely have certain opinions about his behavior and character and I'm entitled to express them.

In any event, when she reminded him of my right to free speech and to say what I want to whomever I want to say it, he asked her if she can order me to.......stop harassing him. She told him she can't order me to do anything. She said, "If she were contacting YOU, if she were emailing YOU, if she was doing something directly to YOU, then I could deal with that." When I write or talk to others, that is not harassment toward him. As he kept trying to go on, she had to let him know that there are people in serious danger that come into that court seeking protection. People with broken bones, serious injuries and those in danger of death from the psychos in their lives. What he was doing was taking up the court's time with nonsense.

Dismissed.

So will he go back to his workshop and cook up another scheme to bother me? Maybe. You know what they say about an idle mind. She said that if he felt he had a case then it would be a civil matter, possibly criminal, or because of the Internet, maybe even federal. I was thinking to myself, "Good, Lord! Why in the world is she giving this guy any ideas?" Not because I'm worried, but because I am tired of being hassled by my former batterer. Leaving was supposed to be the end of him bothering me.

Seriously....a federal case? Why? Because I talk about what he did to me? There's no spousal privilege or gag orders here. Criminal? Really? What would the charges be? Not keeping secrets anymore?

Civil? HAHAHA! If the defaming statements are TRUE, then there's no injury to be compensated. And how can you try and sue someone for fake damages when in reality YOU OWE THEM $40,000? That one is the funniest of them all!

He has no grounds on which to sue me or bring any kind of charges against me. He's starting to remind me of O.J. Someone who got away with murder, but just couldn't keep himself out of a courtroom, because he couldn't be cool. They think they're so smart, when they're actually.......just human versions of Wile E. Coyote......SUPER GENIUS.

Well, he can do what he wants. I trust in the Lord and He told me not to worry about evil people or fret about their wicked schemes. He said the wicked will be destroyed and in a little while disappear. One day I'll look around and all of this will be gone. All I have to do is continue to trust in the Lord and commit my ways to Him. The wicked plot against the godly, but the Lord laughs at them, because He knows their day of reckoning is coming. Judgment is on its way. I'm living my life to make God happy and I'm raising my children to trust and love Him. So if God is laughing, I can laugh too! And after I finish laughing, I will pray some more. I'll take turns laughing and praying!

Jesus told me to love my enemies and pray for those who persecute me. So I will be obedient and continue to show him the kind of love Jesus would, by not paying him evil for evil. I will love him by continuing to walk in forgiveness toward him, keeping my heart pure before the Lord. Praying is my pleasure and free gift of love for him. I hope one day he can be loosed from the bondage that he is in. He can't possibly feel good on the inside when he's manifesting so much bad on the outside. He has to be in pain, where it comes from, only God truly knows. And as Joyce Meyer says, "Hurting people, hurt people." I feel compassion for any human being that is in pain - even the person who caused me and my children so much.

The visitation hearing that was scheduled for January 12th down in PA was canceled due to snow. I was hoping all of them would have been over by now, but I have to wait for a new date. I trust God with every little thing that concerns our lives and believe that we shall see victory again. I will keep you posted.

Thank you to my family and friends for your continued love and prayers. I love you. God bless.

Behold, I Will Do a New Thing

2011-01-06T09:09:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year!!!
"Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43.18-19

God is SO GOOD and SO FAITHFUL!!! Hallelujah & Glory to Him!!! What a year 2010 was. It started out bitter, but it ended so sweet!

January 8, 2011 will mark the 2nd anniversary of the day my children and I walked out on a life of fear and pain and into a season of healing and freedom. Last Christmas we were in a shelter, but the kids had the best Christmas (gift wise) ever! This year we celebrated our 1st Christmas of not only freedom and healing, but in our new home as well, one of God's greatest gifts to us this past year.

This year there wasn't a sea of gifts to amaze their eyes, but there was the gift of life, peace and love that filled their hearts. My kids and I have always lived a simple life. We don't ask for much, we have learned to live with what we have ~ little and less; and appreciate what we get. I am so thankful for every little thing God does for us everyday and for all that He does through the good people He brings into our lives. I believe I am doing a good job of teaching my children not to be materialistic and to have thankful hearts. They know that they have a God and a mother that loves them very much.

My days are filled with hard work from my rising to my setting. Taking care of four children alone is no easy task, as any single mother knows, going out to work and coming home to more work. But somehow I make it through everyday. They go to school clean, they eat breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday, their homework is done, they are getting straight A's, they laugh & play, and they bring joy & smiles to those fortunate enough to encounter them.

I don't take any of that lightly and I give God 100% credit & honor for it. I couldn't do it without Him. It is His grace that carries me through each day. In the beginning of this new journey, I wasn't sure I'd make it. It was so hard, it felt like a weight crushing down on me, like my husband did all those years ago when he fractured my rib. It was hard to breathe and most days it was hard to catch my breath. A few times I thought I'd have a nervous breakdown, and a few times I thought that I'd breakdown and go back. But I didn't, God kept me and didn't let me fall. Now here we are, on the eve of two years abuse free, 730 difficult, yet amazing days!

We have spent this time in the University of Life, earning Masters degrees in faith and trusting God. He has been faithful and so good. Jesus promised us that in this life the trials and tribulations would keep coming. We weren't to be worried about them though, because He would help us to overcome them. So I don't worry, I pray and I keep it moving. We have overcome a lot, but the enemy keeps pressing in, so I have to keep pressing on and through.

As I may have mentioned before, this Friday, January 7th, 2011, will be the 6th anniversary of my marriage. My husband and I will be in the same room on Friday, but sadly it won't be to celebrate anything. We will be sitting in a courtroom in Queens Family Court to deal with the false petitions he has filed against me. I am not worried at all because I have the truth, God is an invincible army, and He's on my side. He doesn't fight for me because He loves me more than my husband, He loves us the same. He fights my battles because I am living my life for Him. I'm not perfect, but my heart is perfect towards Him. I make mistakes everyday, but I am obedient, I trust Him and cast my cares on Him.

I continue to leave my husband and any trouble he makes, to the Lord. There ain't a thing I can to about him or the things he does to me, but God can. And God will do what needs to be done that is in the best interest of all of us, including my husband. He needs help and God will help him if he wants to change, but that's between him and God. I pray that one day he will let God turn his life around for the redemption of his own humanity.

Two very strange anniversaries back to back....which one do I celebrate? How do I celebrate them? Lol....weird stuff. An anniversary for a marriage that is over and an anniversary for the walking out the door of an old life and into the door of a new life. I think the latter is the only one that makes sense to celebrate. Maybe I'll do something special with the kids without telling them why. Either way, I am happier and stronger than I've been in over a decade.

This is a new year, a new decade and I'm getting a sense of a very strong shift coming. I'm excited about what God has in store and will patiently watch God reveal all that He has already planned for us in this year. Daily asking for His guidance and direction, so I don't get out in front of Him or fall too far behind. I pray that you and your families have a prosperous New Year and that you seek God everyday and reach forward to the prize that He has put in front of you.

"Though the fig tree does not blossom and there is no fruit on the vines, [though] the product of the olive fails and the fields yield no food, though the flock is cut off from the fold and there are no cattle in the stalls,Yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will exult in the [victorious] God of my salvation! The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds' feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!" Habakkuk 3.17-19 Amplified Bible

We Wrestle Not Against Flesh & Blood

2010-12-12T22:32:00.003-05:00

"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour." ~ 1 Peter 5.8

The enemy is on the attack once again, using lies to get the court to unwittingly help him harass me.

I have to go to court on January 7, 2011, which ironically will be our 6th wedding anniversary, to answer two summonses filed against me on October 21st, which are both false. My husband wants to use the court to shut me up. Somehow he found out about my blog and doesn't like the fact that I am talking about what he did to me in a public forum. Abusers thrive on secrecy since most of them don't show anyone outside of their home what they are really like, their scary side.

He is accusing me of libel and making threats against him in my blog posts. He said that I am lying about him and his family, (whoever that is - I thought we were his family), contacting his business associates trying to ruin his business, telling the courts I was hospitalized for being homicidal (yeah, laugh please), and is therefore afraid of me, and incredibly, got the court to give him a temporary order of protection against me! This is completely hilarious considering it was this same court that ordered him to go to batterer's school and had given me a 6 month order of protection from him.

And the rest is lies, lies and more lies.

In the other summons I got, he told the court that he "has been denied visitation completely," thereby making me look guilty of violating the court order for visitation.
Lies, lies and more lies.

This man stopped coming to see his kids 7 months ago. He has not tried to contact me by phone, email, letter, homing pigeon, smoke signals or message in a bottle, to ask to talk to or see the kids. I was happy, because I thought he was finally leaving us alone. I should never think that.

I am annoyed at the inconvenience this behavior causes me and the disruption to our lives and the lives of others that I will need to help me with the kids while I go spend another day in New York for this nonsense. But I'm not worried or afraid, because God is with me and will not let the enemy triumph over me. God can only be on the side of truth because He is Truth. He will never support a lying tongue or a false witness who pours out lies, as those are two of the seven things God hates. (Proverbs 6.17-18) God loves Jeff, but He hates that behavior.

I find it interesting that those who have no relationship with God, will sometimes question your relationship with Him and will try to call you out on what they believe you are supposed to be or do, because you say you're a Christian. The world is always watching us right? They want to see if our lives match up with what we profess. My mother in law called yesterday and spoke to the children and then to me. She asked me if I was a Christian. I said, "Yes, I am." I thought that was an odd start to the conversation, but immediately had a feeling about where she was going. She then said that as a Christian I'm supposed to forgive right? I told her yes and jumped ahead and told her that I have forgiven Jeff for what he has done to me and our family. She then expressed that if I have, then might it be possible for Jeff to see the kids for Christmas?

It took about 20 minutes for me to explain to her that in spite of the fact that my heart is clean as far as Jeff is concerned, the way things are, are due to Jeff's choices and his involving the courts in our lives again. He has been telling her the same lies he is telling the courts and everyone else. He told her that I have not been allowing him to see the kids. He is painting a picture for her of me as an evil, vindictive, spiteful and hateful woman. No wonder she would then question my relationship with God. I'm sure he's acting like this loving dad that's hurting over not seeing his kids, so she thought she'd try and help. But he isn't seeing his kids because he doesn't want to.

I had to explain to her that although I've forgiven him and put him and whatever he chooses to do in God's hands, it doesn't mean that I should put myself in harm's way. Jeff keeps starting trouble and this latest round of court stuff is the proof, but she didn't get it. She didn't seem to grasp that because of the order of protection he now has on me, I can't even let the kids call him if I wanted to. All he has to do would be to take his phone to the police and show them my number, tell them I called him to harass him, then there would be a warrant out for me and I'd be arrested. It wouldn't matter to him that I did a kind gesture, he has no good intentions for me and I would be playing into whatever diabolical scheme he has hatched in his mind now. I'm not going to fall into any traps he sets.

She kept repeating that Christmas is about the kids and that perhaps they'd want to see their father. I let her know that I agreed with her, it is for the kids, but their father is the one that removed himself from their lives. He has to want to see them. He hasn't called them in over a year and he hasn't come to see them for 7 months. I have nothing to do with that. It's not up to her, me or the kids to arrange reunions with Jeff. He is a 46 year old man, not a boy. We still pray for him and I truly hope that one day he will find redemption and true salvation. But the only thing I can do as far as the kids are concerned, is make sure that they don't grow up hating him or carrying any unresolved absentee father issues due to his abandonment .

Life is about relationships and I can't do anything about the quality of relationship Jeff has with his kids, that is up to him. It is not up to his kids to seek him out and it's not up to me to chase him down. He has to cultivate a good relationship with them if he wants it. If he chooses not to call them, see them or support them, he will see the fruit of that and can't blame me for it. He can be a good father or a bad one, his choice. So far the kind of father they have seem him be is, one that abused their mother and terrified them, one that lies to them right to their face, and one that has cut them off completely. He must think that showing up occasionally with cheap toys will maintain a strong bond and make them feel loved by him.

He will never get to the point of having a good relationship with them if he can't even be honest with others and most importantly himself. He still doesn't want to take responsibility for the devastation that he has caused for his family and the pain that he has spread to others, including his own mother who naturally misses her grandchildren. He took those sized 10 Adidas and crushed all our hearts.

It seemed hard for her to believe me and she still expressed disbelief about the abuse that I keep telling her happened, because she says she never saw it and the kids always looked happy to her. I tried to educate her in the handful of seconds I had, to the fact that, many abusive men can hold prestigious positions and be regarded as pillars of their communities and yet be nightmares for their families behind closed doors. That is how he was. The families learn to hide it. We smile and act regular around other people, we don't dare talk about it.

But she did get glimpses here and there, which I'm sure at the time she contributed to me being the evil woman with problems that he was making me out to be. I reminded her of a time when she came over one night to watch the kids for us so that we could go out with some friends. We ended up in a huge argument that she got involved in. I told her how he came into the bathroom while I was in the shower and started a fight. I asked her what did she think happened? While taking a shower I just decided to jump out, wrap a towel around myself and go start a fight with my husband? I told her how he came in and closed the door, started trouble with me and what she saw was when it spilled out of the bathroom.

But believe it or not, she still didn't seem sure of what to believe. She should be disgusted with him and confront him. But, denial is a powerful thing. It can blind you to the facts that are staring you in the face. If you don't want to see it, you won't.

Well, I can't do anything about that either, it is what it is and isn't what it isn't. And what it isn't, is my battle, it's God's. Jeff's family and friends can choose to believe whatever tall tales he wants to spin. If they believe that I abused him while he was lovingly working hard to support his family and then one day I just got tired of berating and knocking him around and thought I'd try my hand at homelessness for more than a year, while pregnant with three kids then four, just to make him look bad, then God bless 'em, they can go right ahead.

When I know the truth, and the kids know the truth and the Creator of heaven and earth knows the truth, then that's all I need, no one else matters. My family, my friends, my counselors and other women that I have met who have been through similar tragedies, know I am telling the truth and validate my experience, so I really don't care what anyone else chooses to believe.

Jeff can stay trapped in that world of lies that he has created and must maintain to keep up the facade that he has erected.
As for me, I know the truth, I live in the truth, I have the Truth and I am free. (John 8.32)

"Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places."
Ephesians 6. 10-12

Once More, I Am Thankful For.....

2010-11-25T19:23:00.004-05:00

Hard to believe Thanksgiving is here again so soon.
I am again deeply Thankful for so many things....

I'm thankful for
My new home
My kids
My life...

I'm thankful that
I'm no longer a
battered wife.

I'm thankful for
My job
My family
My friends...

I'm thankful that
God's love,
mercy and grace
knows no end.

I'm thankful for
every new day
I see,
and for
all that He
does every day
for me.

I'm thankful for
a sound mind,
ever increasing
peace and joy.

I'm thankful for
my precious little girl,
and each and
every one of
my wonderful boys.

I'm thankful for
the plans that
God has for me.
Plans that give
me a hope,
a future,
an awesome destiny.

I'm thankful for
the potential
that each
day brings.

Lord, I love you
and I'm
truly and deeply

thankful for everything.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Someone You Know Needs Your Help

2010-11-01T11:31:00.001-04:00

Although Domestic Violence Awareness Month has come to and end, always remember that domestic violence doesn't come to an end for the victims who are subjected to it. It isn't domestic violence day or month, it is domestic violence LIFE.

Domestic violence is so prevalent that I'm pretty confident that anyone reading this blog knows someone who is either a former or present victim of it. Some of us even know people who lost their lives because of it. Sometimes they'll tell us, sometimes they won't, it will just be something we pick up on. Sometimes we hear about it through others.

Whatever way it is that you become aware of someone suffering with this agonizing treatment, maybe you can offer them the help that sometimes they don't know is out there. Because domestic abuse is so isolating, sometimes victims think there is no way out, there is no one to help, that no one cares. Let them know that you care, you're there to help, and you can help them find a way out.

Of course you must exercise care and caution for them and for yourself. Some abusive people are extremely dangerous, violent and are capable of murder. Some of them will not only kill their victim, but anyone else who tries to help them. So if you want to help someone get safe, contact a domestic violence group in your area that can help you and the victim formulate a safe exit plan.

I pray that God will give you the wisdom, strength and courage to do what's right when the time is right.

Just remember that, someone you know needs your help.

DV MONTH RE-POST - "He Spit On Me!"

2010-10-24T17:57:00.001-04:00

He spit on me.
It was the most disgusting thing anyone on this planet had ever done to me. My husband spit on me, his wife, in front of our very young children.

And he didn't spit once, he spit over and over again. I don't know how many times in all, but at least 7 or 8 times, maybe even 10.

He spit in my face. He spit in my hair, on my chest, my head. I was spit on anywhere his spit landed.

It felt like slime and it smelled soooooooo bad. He had one of the worst cases of halitosis of anyone that I had ever known. He smoked weed, had some rotting teeth in his mouth and barely brushed them. I had not kissed him beyond a peck for this very reason for years.

Why did he spit on me?
Is there really ever a reason to spit on anyone?

You can be fined for spitting in most places and it is a crime in some places that is punishable by arrest. And that's for spitting on the ground!

But spitting on a person, someone who loves you, lives with you, your wife, the mother of your children? It's reprehensible and diabolical.

From what I remember we were having a conversation that was related to an altercation from either the day before or earlier that day. We weren't yelling or arguing, just quietly talking. I was in the bathroom and he was standing right outside the door. I don't remember how the conversation began or everything that was said, but I do remember that right before he began spitting on me, I said simply, "There are men who hit and men who don't. You are a man who hits."

Then as usual he changed in an instant. His face changed, his voice changed and I could see that evil glare in his eyes. He got loud and he said, "So I'm a man that hits? F#%K YOU!" Then he spit in my face.

I guess my look of shock was pleasing to him, so he spit again. I said, "Jeff, please stop," and put my head down to shield my face. He kept saying, "F#%K YOU," and continued to spit. I began to cry and squeezed past him out of the bathroom and walked into the kitchen all the while asking him to stop. He followed me and continued this scene of cursing, gathering his spit and projecting it onto me, while little Justina and Solomon sadly looked on.

I went back into the bathroom and he followed me and at some point he stopped and walked away. I was crying and began to try and wash the stench off of me. I used soap and water to try and get the funk out of my hair and off my skin.

I didn't retaliate, yell, argue or fight with him this day. I just cried.

I'm not a spitter so I wasn't going to go find him and start spitting back. What he did was so hurtful that all I wanted was to get away from him. When I left the bathroom I went straight to the bedroom and got the phone and called my dad. I told him that Jeff was starting trouble again and asked if the kids and I could come over and he said of course we could.

As I packed a bag for us, Jeff suddenly changed again. He was asking me not to go. He was acting like he was sorry and began pleading with me not to go. I told him that he had proved my point. I said there are men who abuse and men who don't and his getting angry and spitting on me, was exactly what I was talking about. It was the kind of man that he is.

He said he was sorry, I was right, he shouldn't have done that and all that other yada yada he said on the occasions when his behavior was exceptionally heinous, like when he cracked my rib and slammed my arm in the door when I was pregnant.

But I was going no matter what he said. I was shocked, hurt and humiliated. I felt a new level of degradation and disrespect. I couldn't stomach to be around him.

While at my dad's, he called several times to talk to me and tell me he was wrong and he was sorry. Words he didn't mean. They're included in the abuser's bag of tricks.

What I don't understand is, if you have so much contempt for someone that you have to curse them filthily and spit on them repeatedly, why would you want to be with them? If he hated me so much (for what reason, I'll never know) why not just leave me?

Well after 2 days, the kids and I returned. He was over his act of humility in about a day, and the abuse continued in its regular fashion of cursing, name calling, controlling, hitting and fighting.

I've wondered sometimes, how many people have ever been spit on? How many of them were spit on by someone they loved?

Then I'd think about Jesus. He was spit on too. He was spit on by people He loved. The sinners He came to die to save, spit on Him in addition to verbally and physically abusing Him.

I was loving my husband, forgiving him and staying with him, when he didn't deserve me, my forgiveness or my love. I'm not Jesus or anything like Him yet. But I'm doing my best to follow His example in my life.

Knowing that He went through something that I went through, helps me see it in a different light. I'm in the company of the Savior. Granted, we experienced the same thing for very different reasons, but I'm sure the way it felt was the same - it hurt.

I'm pretty sure no one will ever spit on me again in my life. But if it happened again, it surely wouldn't be done by someone who is supposed to love me.

If it did happen again one day, I would like to believe it will be because I am being persecuted for the King.

DV MONTH RE-POST - "The Physical Abuse"

2010-10-20T22:40:00.001-04:00

He was physically abusive.

According to my husband he only had one fight with a male in his life. He was in high school and had said something smart to an obviously gay young man that I guess he’d thought nothing of on account of the guy being gay. But to his surprise, this effeminate young man, jumped a fence or wall and got to him and beat him up, embarrassing and humiliating him in front of whoever was around to see it. From that time on, he only fought women and terrorized children.

He was arrested on a domestic violence charge after assaulting another woman he lived with when she called the police and he spent the weekend in jail. The charges were eventually dismissed because he blackmailed her into dropping them. While they lived together, she paid for some stuff at Victoria’s Secret with one of his checks that she signed. So he told her that if she didn’t drop the charges, he would press charges against her for forgery.

When he first told me this story shortly after meeting me, he said that she was crazy and had made the whole thing up. He said that she just wanted to get him out of his apartment, as he was forced to leave due to the charges against him. He also said that she peed on his kitchen floor for no reason, she slept with a knife under her side of the bed, and she was forging his checks. Prior to him driving her across the country to come live with him, he said they had been good friends for a long time. Then I guess without provocation, she let the psycho out of the bag.

I believed him at first, because I had no reason not to. I had known him for a few weeks or so and he appeared anything but abusive. He was charming, polite, funny, fun, smart and a gentleman. So she must've been crazy, right? He kept telling me that I was beautiful and that I was making him fall in love with me. I believed him hook, line and sinker.

It wasn't until years later, after enduring physical and every other kind of abuse there was and being called crazy and off to the point where I began to think I was, did I begin to realize, that he actually abused that woman. I don't know if that was the first time he hit her or the last, but she called the police that day.

I understood the fear she must have felt when she peed on herself and why she slept with that knife under her side of the bed. I also had "went" on myself once, I had been that afraid too.

I confronted him after an abusive episode and told him that I believed he did hit that girl and that's why she called the police. And you know what? He admitted it. He kinda laughed about it as if he was just busted stealing a cookie from the cookie jar. I guess he must have been thinking, "Very good stupid, you finally figured it out." He nonchalantly recounted his version of the story to me, admitting to choking her at one point, smiling and laughing at times, as if proud of himself. Although I wasn't surprised at this information, I was still dumbstruck at hearing it.

I felt like a fool. I had been had. But it was too late now, I was trapped. I had children with this psycho. Why didn't I see this incident as a red flag from the beginning, no matter what the version? He played the pity card so well, I fell for it and had even felt bad that this nice guy had to endure a weekend in jail because of a crazy scheming ex-girlfriend. He was, excuse me, IS a very skilled liar, Ted Bundy style - doing it with a smile.

My husband took pride in the fact that he never punched me, in his mind that meant he wasn't abusive. When I would tell him he hit me, he would say, “I didn’t hit you, I mushed you.”

Well, he mushed me. He pushed me. He smacked me. He slapped me. He shoved me, squeezed me, and dug his nails into me. He threw things at me. He pulled my hair. He wrestled me. He fought me like someone he'd fight on the street. Over the past 10 years, I was covered with hundreds of bruises and had dozens and dozens of cuts and scratches.

He did all of these things in front of our innocent and frightened children. He didn't care what they saw or how terrified they were. He ignored their cries and screams. At times I was able to get them into the bedroom and close the door to shield them. But they could still hear those awful sounds of adults fighting. Sounds you sometimes can hear forever.

He was a family terrorist.

Once he slammed my arm in a door when I was about 7 months pregnant with our first child. My arm was very swollen, scratched up, sore and had just about all the colors of the rainbow. I had never seen a bruise like it. It looked really bad and felt terrible. I thought that I should probably go to the hospital, but I didn't.

I was afraid of what would happen to him and then to me and the baby. We were basically homeless at the time, renting a room from a heroin junkie in Washington Heights. He was making pennies working as a security guard, but they were the only pennies there were at the time. I was afraid to be alone and have the baby without him. To this day there is a lump in my right forearm from that injury. That was about one of the worst and most painful injuries he had ever given me.

He fought me throughout all of my pregnancies.

Most people are careful, helpful and kind to pregnant women. He isn't one of them. He wouldn't even open a door for me and rarely helped me with anything. I still had just as much housework and child-work as I did when not pregnant. He didn't care and had not one ounce of shame in his game. My being pregnant with his baby didn't matter in the least to him. He would fight me like a man no matter what stage of pregnancy I was in - early, mid, late term or freshly delivered. The harm he could have done to me or the baby wasn't even a passing thought to him. Then again, maybe it was.

He would fight me if I was holding the baby or nursing the baby and would even attack me if he were holding one of them. He would get angry and sometimes take whichever baby he was holding and shove them forcefully into me. The babies were no deterrence to him. If he wanted to hit me or hurt me, he would and no one, no matter how precious or fragile would stop him.

He fractured my rib. One day he started a major fight with me, it was an exceptionally scary one for some reason, and sticks out in my mind. Our third child, Joshua was about 6 months old at the time and lying on the bed. Jeff was tackling me onto the bed and we rolled on the baby. I was screaming at him about hurting the baby, he didn't care.

Then at one point he had me pinned down on the bed and began crushing me with all his body weight. He pressed on me and pressed on me until I felt like I couldn't breathe. Then I felt a cracking in my ribs and then a sharp pain under my right breast. I screamed and he finally got up. I told him that I was in a lot of pain and it hurt to breathe, that I believed he fractured my rib.

When I told him that I needed to go to the hospital, suddenly he turned caring and concerned, as if he wasn't the cause of it. He told me not to try to move. Then he went to the computer and looked up rib fractures I guess. He came back and told me that I didn't need to go to the hospital, that they don't do anything for it, that it just heals on its own in about 6 weeks. I just had to take it easy.

Every breath I took caused a piercingly sharp pain, so I had to breathe softly and shallowly. I tried to pick up the baby and it hurt. He told me that he would help me with heavy lifting until I felt better. He was actually kinda nice to me for the rest of the day and a couple days afterward.

I thank God it was a fracture and not a break that could've punctured my lung. That was the most serious injury he had ever inflicted upon me.

But the most disgusting thing he ever did to me was......

DV MONTH RE-POST - "The Sexual Abuse"

2010-10-18T09:32:00.002-04:00

He was sexually abusive.

He had sex with me whenever he wanted to and as many times as he wanted. Other than my body, sex with him had nothing to do with me. It was about him gratifying himself. He lied to me about most things. But during the 2-5 minutes he used me to get himself off, he would tell me how much he loved my body. That is one of the few things he said that I believe was the truth.

He didn't love me, but he loved what my body did for him. It was basically vaginal masturbation.

I was never on the pill and never wanted to be. I simply don't trust man made drugs. I didn't want any injections or implants that secrete chemicals or hormones into my body. I didn't want to end up with cervical, breast or some other form of cancer one day. I had an IUD for 10 years prior to him and wanted to go back to that. But it cost about $500 and we didn't have insurance. He kept telling me we would get it, but somehow found other things to spend our money, excuse me, his money on. He bought condoms but rarely used them, at least not with me. That's why we have so many children together, not because I loved reproducing with him.

Having sex was not usually a mutual decision. I was usually awakened in the wee hours of the morning to being penetrated. He never asked me if I wanted to or if I was in the mood. There was no foreplay. As far as he was concerned, I was his property and he was entitled to do whatever he wanted with me, whether it was hit me or screw me. Was I being raped? I'm still not sure. It wasn't violent and I didn't stop him. But I didn't stop the predator that raped me over several months when I was 14 either and I'm pretty sure that was rape. I do know that I felt too threatened and afraid of both of them to say, "No," even if they hadn't verbalized a threat to me.

Which reminds me, my husband told me shortly before I left him, that I had so many children because I was raped when I was younger, and he was dead serious. I looked at him and thought, "You really are insane and think you can make me believe anything you say." I asked him if that were the case, how come I only had one child from one husband when I met him at the age of 28? I don't even remember what his response was, but I'm sure it was another of his stupid attempts to use his imagined Jedi mind control on me.

I never told him no. I never said I had a headache, stomachache, backache or toothache. I never said I was too tired or too sick. I never said that it was "that time of the month." I never said he was a pain in my neck or behind. I never said anything that would stop him from getting what he wanted. I was too afraid it would lead to a fight, which I tried to avoid if I could. I didn't want the children awakened to another middle of the night fight, causing them to tremble with fear under their covers.

I also believed that if I kept him satisfied, then maybe he would be nice to me and he'd have no reason to cheat on me. Well, I was wrong on both of those. I know now that he was unfaithful and there were times when he'd start a fight right after pleasuring himself with me.

I always felt used and if he fought me for some reason afterward, it made me feel even more degraded, humiliated, ashamed and brokenhearted. I was afraid and at the same time, this was the only time that he was remotely affectionate with me, so a part of me welcomed it, like an abused dog wanting a pat on the head from his neglectful master. I would usually cry silently into my pillow until I went back to sleep, if I even could go back to sleep.

This was my husband and when he was done "doing his business," instead of feeling loved, I felt like an unloved worthless piece of meat...

DV Month RE-POST - "The Economic Abuse"

2010-10-16T14:57:00.002-04:00

He was economically abusive.

In the early days of our relationship when I was working, he would call me at work to argue with me after he had kept me up all night arguing with me. I would hang up on him and he would call back again and again. I got in trouble with my job once and was put on probation after he called me over and over again when I went in to work overtime on a weekend. All the calls were monitored because it was a PC help-desk. They were able to see that when I was supposed to be taking calls from clients, I was receiving repeated calls on an outside line from this maniac.

Later on when I was a stay at home mom, I didn't have access to anything that had to do with money. I was on the same level as the kids in the home. His name was the only one on any account. He and he alone held any credit cards there were. He and he alone knew the account and pin numbers for any and all bank accounts. He and he alone knew the account and pin numbers for the stock account. He moved the money and only he knew exactly how much was coming in and going out. He paid all the bills (if they got paid) and he made all of the purchases. He doled out small sums of money to me on an, "as needed basis." Once he started working off the books, I didn't even know how much he made.

Times were always tough with him, but there were some times that got rougher than others. Although I was staying at home with our children, I offered to go to work at least part time to ease things a bit. He was always against it. He said the money I made would just go to pay for daycare or that it wouldn't add on that much and it was more important for me to be at home with the kids. When he was working at his legitimate job, he'd say that he'll do overtime or something. Anything that he would come up with was just to keep me at home. He didn't want me to be out there making any money of my own. The meaning of the children's nursery rhyme Peter Peter, Pumpkin Eater, became my reality. My entire life was a pumpkin shell.

He didn't want me to do anything that he couldn't be in control of.

I rarely bought anything for myself. No new clothes, shoes, or anything. I didn't get my hair or nails done. Even when I received money as gifts from my mom or dad for my birthday or Mother's Day, I didn't really use it on me. I used it for the kids or the home. It allowed me to be able to purchase things without having to go to him. It felt good to be able to just go buy some toothpaste on my own instead of having to let him know we needed it. Because otherwise, either he'd get it himself or give me a few dollars to get it.

On the few occasions when I did need to get something for myself, he'd take me shopping and pay for it. When he went shopping for himself, which was way more frequent, he'd go alone. When I needed something, the whole family had to come along. I felt like a stupid kid. I felt like I was under pressure and rushed because the children were restless and he'd be giving off this energy and look like, "Hurry up." I also felt like I was being watched. I felt uncomfortable and couldn't shop in peace. I would usually end up quickly taking something I didn't want or say that I couldn't find anything and continue to do without, just to end the shopping experience.

On the one trip he took me on in the 11 years I was with him, he was actually picking out my clothing. Instead of giving me a couple hundred dollars and letting me go to the store like the grown woman that I was, he took me shopping like a parent takes a child. I felt like his daughter instead of his wife. He would pick out things and send me to try it on. I felt like his whore or something. I would pick out things that I liked and had to show it to him for approval. If he didn't approve, it was put back. I think of all the things that were purchased for me for that trip, I may have only actually picked out 1 or 2 pieces. He picked out ugly, cheap and cheesy, hookerish looking costume earrings for me and like a good abusee, I wore them.

He even picked out my sunglasses. I didn't even like them and told him I wanted to look around at some other kinds. He got an attitude and began to say something to the effect of, "What's wrong with these? They look good on you, they're fine, you don't need to look at anymore." I knew where this would go, so I just shut up and took the stupid glasses.

I felt like I was in some Lifetime Network, "bad man," TV movie. I remember thinking, "This can't be real. I can't believe this is happening. I've shopped for myself my whole life and at 37 years old, he is picking out my clothes and accessories?!!
This is bad, really bad..."

DV Month RE-POST - "The Verbal Abuse"

2010-10-12T22:20:00.002-04:00

He was verbally abusive.

My husband called me the "B" word so many times over the years, I'd probably be a millionaire if I had a penny for each time. Sometimes he'd jazz it up, by starting it off with "stupid, f#c%king, ghetto" (or a combination of those).

Funny being called ghetto by someone that grew up in the projects of Harlem, who I was academically superior to and spoke better than. Anyway, he'd scream it at me right in the faces of our children, or my oldest son who was over for a weekend visit. I would not have been surprised if it were our babies' first words.

I remember once I was cooking some oatmeal for our daughter who was a baby at the time, maybe 9 months old. I held her on my hip with one arm, while I cooked with the other. My husband was screaming and cursing and berating me as usual for who knows what and got up in my face so close that I could feel his breath and his spit as he screamed, "F@c%king ghetto b#t%h!," at the top of his lungs. I often wonder if my baby girl thought he was screaming it at her, as her face was right there next to mine. Instinctively, I flung the cinnamon powder that I was holding in his face and he flew into a rage and hit me.

He'd call me stupid, dumb, idiot and on one occasion told our then 4 year old daughter to, "Call mommy a stupid, dumb, idiot." My daughter was crying and said, "NO!" Our son Solomon who was 2 years old at the time, happened to be sitting on his father's lap and hit his father in the face. Jeff then, smacked this baby in his tiny little face and made him cry. I screamed at him and took the baby from him. But none of this shut him up, he kept going and going.

He would call me crazy, tell me that I was “off,” and that I had issues. I would be sad or depressed a lot, obviously because of how I was being treated. At some point almost everyday I would go into the bathroom to cry. If he saw me and could tell I had been crying, he would ask me in his cruel way of saying things, “What is wrong with you?”

To this day, he won't acknowledge that HE was what was wrong with me.

Before one of the last altercations began, three days before Christmas 2008, he began to berate me because a couple of Nintendo Wii Systems that he asked me to post on eBay didn't sell as he thought they would. He told me that this happened because he followed me down the wrong path again. I reminded him that it wasn't my idea it was his, all I did was post them. He kept going on until we were in an argument. He said this was all another part of my stupid life. I told him that I could tell him about my stupid life, got up and went into the bedroom.

He followed right behind me, said something I don't even remember, and when I turned around, he hit me in the face. A terrible fight ensued. My poor innocent children who had seen too much of this, began to scream and ran right into the fight when we tumbled our way into their bedroom. They began to hit at him, kick him, throw things at him and pull his hair. He hollered at them to stop. I yelled for them to stop and go into the other room. I didn't want them involved and I didn't want them getting hurt.

He would tell me that I was nothing and would never be anything. He would say mean, hurtful things about my mother and tell me I was going to end up like her. He could really yell and had a filthy mouth full of poisonous venom. He had a low life ignorant street vocabulary and he’d curse while saying a lot of mean and nasty things.

He was like a septic tank that was constantly backing up...

U.N.I.T.Y. - Queen Latifah

He Wasn't Always Bad

2010-10-11T23:18:00.002-04:00

You know, in spite of all the evil and harm my husband caused me, he wasn't a bad guy all the time. That's one of the things that made it possible for me to stay with him as long as I did. It was almost like living with someone that was bipolar or had a split personality. He was smart, talented, creative, funny, and thoughtful at times. Because he wasn't damaged at all in the way he was damaging me, he could be very laid back and more playful with the kids than I was sometimes.

The best birthday gift Jeff had ever treated me to, was a trip to a spa called, Lord & Whisper. I just came across the keepsake mirror that I got as a gift from my experience there, while cleaning out a box the other day. Seeing the mirror made me feel sad, because I remember that day so clearly, it was such a good day. I had been asking Jeff for years, to treat me to a day at a spa as a Mother's Day, Christmas, birthday, or "you just had another baby for me," gift, and he had finally done it! After the spa, we went to Prospect Park in Brooklyn where we sat out in the beautiful summer sun and weather and listened to poet laureate Amiri Baraka and others read poetry. Then he took me to a very nice soul food restaurant for dinner.

Ironically, it would be the last birthday I'd ever celebrate with him. Five months later the kids and I would be gone forever.

This back and forth in his personality, created hope. It created the hope that things could actually be better one day. If he could just get over the abusive stuff, he'd be a good husband and father. I enlisted God's help, believing that nothing was impossible for God. So I prayed over him, our marriage, our family and for myself for years and years. I was determined to get the victory and have a powerful testimony about how God can change the worst of the worst of relationships. But only God knew that hoping my husband would change was a road that was leading to nowhere.

In the early months after leaving my husband, there were times I wept because I missed the times that were good. I missed all that I hoped our relationship could be. I missed what I hoped to be able to give my children - a whole family, not a broken one.

Unfortunately, my husband wasn't on the same page as I was. He wasn't going to allow God's loving power to change his nature. He was going to hold on to his abusive nature even if it killed our family - and it did.

Sometimes I missed him, and no matter which way I thought about him, the good Jeff or the bad one, it hurt a lot. The pain was deep.

But time does heal wounds and God heals what time can't, faster than time ever could.

DV Awareness Month RE-POST - "The Psychological Abuse"

2010-10-09T12:04:00.002-04:00

He was psychologically abusive.

He was jealous, possessive and controlling. Early in the relationship, he went to Vegas with his friend for a week, and I'm sure whatever happened in Vegas stayed in Vegas. When I asked him about what they did when they weren't having a meeting with someone, he told me he stayed in his hotel room - in Sin City.

Yeah, right.

I was offered an opportunity about a month or so later, to go to Jamaica and do a photo shoot for a swimsuit calendar. When I told him, he discouraged me of course. You would think that a guy would be proud of that - his girlfriend in a swimsuit calendar! Don't guys like to show off that kind of thing?

Well he told me that the guy who made me the offer just wanted to f#c% me. I told him that I wouldn't be going for that and that he could come if he wanted to; they were going to pay my way, so we could pay for his. But he held his position and didn't want me to do the shoot or go period. He was just my boyfriend and I had only been with him for about 4 months. I was a grown woman, and this was my life. I didn't have to listen to him. I could do whatever I wanted to right?

I didn't go.

He isolated me. He didn't want me to go see any of the friends in my life that I had prior to knowing him. He didn't want me to communicate at all with a very close male friend of mine that I had known for about 6 years before I met him, because according to Jeff, my friend also wanted to f#c% me. He didn't want me to go do anything social that didn't involve him, while he kept doing everything he did prior to me. I often wouldn't even know he had gone to something until after he came back.

He went to a Christmas party at the studio that he was working with when we met. This party was wild and had a LIVE SEX show go on. He watched it. Those were the kinds of parties he went to, but I couldn't go to my corporate office Christmas parties or after work get togethers anymore. One year I arranged the Christmas party for a company I worked for, and we were supposed to be going as a couple. But he didn't want to go (probably because he felt insecure and inadequate being unemployed) and didn't want me to go either, so he started a fight. I ended up cut up and bloodied.

Needless to say, we stayed home.

He didn't even want me to go to any of my family's functions. On Thanksgiving for years, he didn't want to go anywhere and didn't want me to go either. One year he acted all pitiful and said that he just wanted to spend time with just me. Another year he said, he just didn't want to be around my family. I believe my son was with me that year, so I just left him and my son and I went.

The only Thanksgiving he ever seemed interested in celebrating was our first. He spent that one cooking and eating with his ex and their daughter in her apartment, while I spent it alone. Even once we had our own children, the holidays were always tense and sometimes he flat out ruined them by making them into a day of horror with arguing or fighting. Christmas of 2008 the kids and I spent with my sister and her daughters after he came back from his business trip and started a terrible fight just 3 days before Christmas. Prior to that, the month had actually been going nice and I thought we were finally going to have a rare, happy, wonderful holiday. What was I thinking? He could turn happy to horrible in a matter of seconds.

Getting back to his control early on, eventually over time, I learned to not go anywhere, it was too much of a hassle. I would spend all my free time with him as if there was an invisible chain around my neck, like the one Jabba the Hut had around Princess Lea in Star Wars.

One year for Valentine's Day, I picked him up at the mall he was working in and saw that he didn't have a gift for me. So I jokingly said to him, "No gift for me?" He explained to me that he didn't have time to shop for a gift for me. (He worked at the freaking mall in a store that engraves gifts!) When I pointed that out to him, he got angry and began yelling and cursing and when we stopped at a red light on a street that was a semi highway, he jumped out the car screaming that he would, "go get me a #$%& gift," and began walking back in the direction of the mall.

It was snowing pretty hard and we were already about 1/2 a mile away from the mall. I couldn't believe he had just reacted that way. But instead of turning around to get him, I just drove on home. I was mad that he went psycho like that and was determined not to go back and get him.

When he showed up at home hours later with a gift from Victoria's Secret and gave it to me as if nothing had happened, I told him that he shouldn't have gotten it. The spirit in which a gift is supposed to be given was ruined by his reaction and that now it didn't feel the same. Well, what did I say that for? He immediately flew into another rage and began to scream, curse and tear the gift up and throw it at me.

He broke my things or things I had given him as gifts. He had come to live with me after losing his apartment about a year and a half into the relationship. When he'd go into his terroristic tirades, he'd often break the things in my apartment. He would throw them, leaving a hole in the wall and the object in pieces. He broke my house phone that cost me about $125. He broke the mouse to my PC. He broke my French blinds. He broke a watch that I had given him for Christmas.

He was clearly always in control of his actions and very aware and intentional about what he broke because he never threw or broke anything that he owned, paid for or meant anything to him.

During this time period of about 2 years, I was working and except for his 5 month stint at the mall and a month or two at a couple of supermarkets, Jeff was not. He was living with me, but not contributing and while I was at work, he'd be getting high all day and making beats. I remember being so afraid sometimes when I came home from work, that as I'd be putting my key in the lock of my own front door, I was trembling and my heart was racing. I didn't know what to expect that night.

Would I get through the night in peace or did I just unlock the door to Hell, again......?

DV Awareness Month RE-POST - "The Emotional Abuse"

2010-10-07T22:33:00.003-04:00

He was emotionally abusive.

His behavior was very hurtful to my heart. It was like he went out of his way to make sure that I didn't feel good about myself. Very rarely would he compliment me. I could go to the hair dresser and come back looking pretty darn good. Most men would naturally compliment the women in their lives when they come back fresh from the salon. It would be strange and unnatural if they didn't.

Well, the unnatural is what Jeff would do to me. I would walk in and when I saw him, I thought his face would light up and he'd tell me how good I looked or at least that my hair looked nice. He would say nothing. It would be as if I just came back from the laundromat or something. Not a word. It would hurt my feelings, but I'm sure that was the intention behind his silence.

He would find more fault and reasons to criticize me, than to encourage me and lift me up. He operated under, "If you have something nice to say, DON'T!" When our daughter was about a year old, I wrote what I thought was a cute little rhyming story for her and was proud of it. I shared it with Jeff and I don't remember what he said, but I remember how it felt, it stung. After he was done ripping it apart, I felt stupid and small and didn't want to share anything I wrote with anyone ever again.

He didn’t support any of my dreams or goals. He didn’t support the things I liked to do or was interested in. Our lives became about him, his interests and the things he wanted to do. He would criticize what I watched on TV if it were not something he’d watch. Yet any of the trash he looked at was fine. I have always had an interest in the law and eventually got my A.S. in Criminal Justice, which was to be the first leg on my journey to law school. So naturally, true crime shows interested me. He would make comments about me being so morbid.

In 2005 I started writing and publishing a newsletter for my family. I would write short articles on spiritual matters, family, news that you don't hear on regular TV, and anything else that would be helpful or of interest to other people, and my mom would print it on her professional printer and mail them out. I got a lot of positive feedback from my family about them. I wrote this newsletter for a year and not once did Jeff look at them and give me a positive word about it. Yet, some people in my family would take their newsletters to work or show their friends and then some of them wanted to get on the mailing list too.

I like listening to gospel music for a number of reasons. It lifts my spirit, it ministers to my soul and it allows me to offer praise and worship to God. After rebuilding my relationship with God, I became less and less interested in secular music and really didn’t listen to it. Not to mention that to me, most of the music out in the world was crap and the singing lousy.

He had gotten me an MP3 player for Christmas about 2 years ago and when I finally figured it out, I filled it up with gospel music. Well I had it with me and was listening to music as we walked around one day at the Botanical Gardens with our kids. Instead of just enjoying the nice day and beautiful scenery, he had to find something negative to focus on with me. So he asks me in a condescending tone, “Why is that all you listen to?” I gave him the same reasons that I just mentioned in the previous paragraph. But he wouldn’t drop it. He kept needling me and saying stuff until we were arguing, ruining yet another family outing that was supposed to be fun.

He would disrespect me when it came to other women and let me know that he was a man and he could look at naked women if he wanted to, when I expressed to him that it hurt me when he did. He would let his ex disrespect me and call any hour of the night, and kept his daughter away from me because his ex didn't want her around me.

He spent our first Thanksgiving with his ex and their daughter and I wasn't invited. He made these plans behind my back and when I complained about it, he cursed me out and hung up the phone on me. I bought Christmas gifts for his daughter one year when he was broke. I also stayed up until the wee hours of the morning wrapping them by myself along with gifts I had for my son. I think Christmas is for the children and I didn’t want her not to have gifts from her father. As we got ready to go into NY and give them to her, he let me know that I wouldn’t be coming upstairs with him. He told me that I wasn’t welcome. He screamed, “That woman don’t want you in her house!”

But I responded like most abuse victims do. I pleased my abuser and did what he wanted me to do, confused within myself as to why I couldn’t just say no. When we got there, I guess he sensed that I might leave while he was upstairs, and I had it in my mind to do just that. So again he pleaded with me not to leave. And although I tossed the idea around while he was up in the apartment with his ex playing Santa with the gifts I bought, I obediently stayed and waited, feeling like a fool the entire time.

He took the Christmas presents that I bought and wrapped for his daughter to their apartment alone because he said that I wasn't welcome inside.

But apparently my gifts were...

The Bacon Incident

2010-10-06T11:06:00.001-04:00

Sometime during the last spring I would ever spend with my husband, I had to once again go to my dad's house due to another altercation. The morning after the night we spent there, the kids and I were served a very nice breakfast that consisted of fruit, eggs, pancakes, and bacon. The kids had never had bacon before and they loved it!

The reason they had never had it, was because bacon wasn't allowed in our home. No pork of any kind was ever brought into our home.
Was there some religious reason? No.
Did someone have an allergy? No.
Weight watching? No. My husband believes that pigs are nasty, non-sweating animals and therefore made a unilateral decision for our family.

The kids asked me if I could buy some bacon so they could have it at home. I hesitated in my mind at first, knowing that I couldn't because of the "no pork" rule. But then I got defiant inside and thought, "This is crazy. I don't have a reason to tell them no. I don't have a problem with it. Why can't I buy bacon? Who died and made him the boss of what we ingest?" So I told the kids that I would get some the next time we went shopping.

Well, the next time came a day or two after we returned home to what was supposed to be a repentant man. At the supermarket together as a family and all is well. We passed the bacon. I picked one out and put it in the cart and kept it moving like it was normal, because it should have been.

He saw the bacon.

Here's where our nice family time begins to come to an end. He asked me what was I doing and why was "that," in the cart? I explained to him that the kids had some over my dad's house, liked it and asked me to buy it and that I told them yeah, no big deal. Now for most normal people, that would be the end of it, (well, most normal people wouldn't ask about it to begin with.).
But that was just the beginning for him.

He continued on. I reminded him that if you live by the 80/20 rule and ate a good diet 80% of the time, the other 20% would have very little impact on your health. But that wasn't good enough for him. He kept going and going.......all the way to the register. I loaded up the groceries on the conveyor belt as the growing argument continued. Suddenly, he snatched the bacon off and threw it to the side of the register. I was on high alert and could feel myself trembling as the adrenaline surged through my body.

I started to be obedient and just leave it there....but oh.....there's a fighter in me! I picked up the bacon and put it back. The argument escalated as the bacon was rung up. The argument continued out the store, across the parking lot, into the car. He was yelling and cursing and being his usual ugly self. The now very loud argument continued on the drive home and into the house. I don't remember any of it. 99% of the arguments he started were so stupid, pointless, and petty, I can't even tell you what they were about. I didn't know why they were happening!

I don't remember clearly what happened once we got home, but I knew instinctively, that it was about to get violent. I don't remember how I got all of the children out of the house so quickly without him stopping us, which is what he usually did. But somehow the children and I were down the stairs, out the door and in the car in seconds. I drove to the church. It was a Friday night and the youth service was going on and so was the support group I attended.

After I parked and was crossing the street with the children, walking toward the church, one of the marriage counselors that was working with us, happened to be driving by. He leaned out his window, with his customary huge smile and said in his usual cheerful way, "Hey, what's going on?"

Still in disbelief about what had just happened, I looked at him, shook my head and said, "Bacon."

DV Awareness Month RE-POST - "A Tale of an Ugly Abusive Violent Man"

2010-10-04T22:38:00.001-04:00

My husband is a violent, yet cowardly man, that has committed felony criminal

and terroristic acts in his own home, against his wife and children.

He has no shame, guilt, or remorse for terrifying and hurting his family.

Another black man destroying his vulnerable and fragile black family.

He'd smile to everyone else and his favorite words were, "Peace, blessings."

But his children and I knew him very differently.

To us he was an abusive, violent, sneaky, lying, unfaithful, mean, nasty,

whoremongering, manipulative, and ugly man, inside and out.

He is a poor excuse for a man, husband and father.

Unfortunately I married him and gave birth to 4 of his children.

He is completely devoid of love and uses people as a means to his own ends.
There are really only three things that he loves: money, sex, and weed.
He has spent his entire adult life pursuing and gratifying his insatiable desire for all three.

He was incapable of loving his wife and children. He hurts the people that love him and are the most vulnerable to him. He abandons the ones he brings into this world
and is supposed to protect from the cruelty of it.

He is doing to his beautiful children, what his father,
the one he doesn't know, did to him.

Our newborn baby, his third son - will not know him, which is actually a blessing.
He won't get the opportunity to hurt him or traumatize him.
He treats him as if he doesn't even exist, which is just fine.

He is one of those sorry people who can't break the cycle of destruction and
choose to perpetuate it for another generation.

He got extremely lucky the day he met me and I gave him the time of day.
I was a hurting young woman carrying a lot of pain inside;
it made me easy prey for him.

I may not be the most beautiful woman in the world, but I was way too beautiful for him. Being with me was a dream come true for him and a long terrible nightmare for me. It would be so easy to hate him,
I have so many reasons to and he is sooooo hateable.

But I choose not to for one reason only – my relationship with God.

I suffered a lot of things from my husband over the years we were together.
I was subjected to every kind of abuse there is,
but God kept me and I have survived it all.

I am still damaged from the trauma of war,
but God will heal me everywhere I've been wounded.

Over the next few posts, I will talk about the various forms of abuse that he inflicted on me almost day in and day out for almost 11 years, when he never deserved to be with me for 1 second.

So stick with me, don't get mad at me and please forgive me,
but I'm going to tell the truth and sometimes the truth is ugly.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

2010-10-03T23:27:00.000-04:00

I can hardly believe it's been almost 2 years since I picked up my children and left my violent and abusive husband. God has been wonderful and amazingly good to us. I still can't believe how far he has brought us in such a relatively short time. I shudder at the thought of where we would be right now or what we could have gone through without His positioning us for every good thing he's given us. I thank Him everyday!

Unfortunately, there are so many women out there that are still suffering in their situations. There are children that are still witnessing the awful horror of violence in their home. There are men that carry their heads low, ashamed to admit to anyone that they are victims of abuse.

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Please use this time to try and raise your sensitivity level and awareness of those around you that may be silent victims. If you haven't been a victim of abuse directly, then you probably know someone who has. I lost a cousin at the hands of her violent boyfriend. A close friend of mine lost a co-worker and friend to a violent husband.

It is so easy to judge another person when you haven't walked in their shoes or don't understand their choices. But understand this: ANYONE can become a victim. Young and old, rich and poor, celebrity and unknown, high school dropout and PhD. There are more victims than we ever can really know, because so many of us live in silence about it. We feel alone and we feel ashamed. We hide the bruises and smile when we need to.

If you can, donate your time, used items or money to a domestic violence organization so that they can give it to those in shelter. Having to pick up and leave with sometimes only the clothing on your back and little to no money, leaves those in shelter with a need for so much in order to just have basics.

I will be re-posting some of my previous posts in which I talk about the abuse that I lived with for 10 years. I am a survivor. My children are survivors. God is healing us, but it is going to take some time, the wounds are deep. But we're gonna make it, overcome it and have a victorious and glorious testimony because of it. I love how God can take anything and turn it around for our good and the good of others.

Pray for those in danger. Pray for the babies living in fear. Pray for those who are looking for a way of escape. Pray for the abusers too. Pray for God to deal with them as only He can.

Helloooooo? Anybody Still Listening? I'm Coming Back!

2010-09-11T23:30:00.000-04:00

Hi everybody. I feel terrible that it's been sooooooo long since I've posted anything. Between working, the kids and trying to keep the house from looking like one of those homes on the TV show "Hoarders," I just haven't had the time or really the energy to write. Even now as I sit here, my eyes are burning and I can't stop yawning.

I have a lot of typing to do tomorrow and I hope to be able to sit and give an hour or so to just write an update post to let you all know what's been going on and what God has been doing in our lives.

What I can say now is that God is SOOOOOO GOOD to us and has been taking incredibly good care of us. We trust every aspect of our lives to Him, which is so easy to do when there is no one else you can turn to or lean on for everything when you have so many things that need to be worked out. Even when you are in the midst of a storm and there's so much that is going on and pressing in on you, there is such a peace that comes when you cast all your cares on Him.

God is faithful. He continues to answer our prayers, continues to work on healing our wounds and continues to make a way out of no way.

Another Monster Forced Out of the Closet

2010-07-18T22:15:00.000-04:00

Well if you haven't heard by now, Mel Gibson is a batterer too, and according to his own words, capable of murdering the mother of his infant child. I don't get to watch much TV, so it was quite by accident that I even heard of what happened. I was at the laundromat the other night and Court TV was on and had been for a while. I hadn't been paying attention, but at one point glanced over and saw footage of Mel Gibson and heard some ranting and saw a transcript being displayed.

Out of curiosity I got closer to see what the story was about. As I listened to his voice and saw the words that had been transcribed from an audio tape, I just shook my head in disgust. Although his ranting was very vulgar, undeniably ugly and downright dirty, for me it wasn't shocking. If they had traded the name Mel Gibson for Jeff Trotter and traded Mel's girlfriend's name for mine, it would be a retake of the last decade of my life.

I identified with his girlfriend instantly. I had been spoken to that way many many times. I knew intimately what the experience was like. I remembered vividly how my own husband looked when he flew into a rage. The eyes bulging, the spit flying from his mouth, the contorted face of a twisted & very demented person that was out of control, extremely frightening and dangerous.

When she asked him what kind of man hits a woman holding a child, I saw flashes of the numerous times Jeff hit me while I held one of our children. I talked about it in one of my earlier posts. He hit me while I was tenderly nursing our newborn that was only a day or 2 old. He hit me in the face so hard, that I saw stars and my lip was busted, as I laid in bed nursing our 6 month old whose tiny face was only inches from mine. He used the children as weapons and shoved them into me. He would attack me with one hand while holding our baby in his other.

What kind of man does that Oksana? Any kind. Rich man, poor man. White man, black man. Christian, Muslim, Jew. Saint or sinner. His man, her man. Your man, my man. Any effed up man will do it, and we both had one girl.

Mel broke her teeth, Jeff fractured my rib. Jeff & Mel used the "F" & "B" words like Mark Furhman used the "N" word. I am always sorry to hear of any woman or child having to experience the nightmare of living with a terrorist mate or father, it is devastating.

But what I think is so great about this situation is that she got him on tape performing like that. That is what goes on behind closed doors when no one else is around. That is how they talk to us right in our faces before the hitting begins. Quite often and in my case most often, right in front of our children. People need to know and understand that these men are masters of disguise. They are actors by nature and liars by trade. What you see is never what you get with them.

When we try and tell people, they are usually shocked and find it hard to imagine that the guy they know that is so charming and personable could be capable of the behavior we describe. Sometimes they don't believe us and accuse us of exaggerating or say that it couldn't possibly be as bad as all that. Some will flat out accuse us of lying for some mysterious alternative agenda. Some don't wanna hear it, like when I tried to tell Jeff's mother about what he was doing years ago..

Well, thanks to his high profile public image, we have another monster that has been forced out of the closet.

Good for you Oksana for exposing his phony double life! These men are cowards. They would never deal with other men this way. They reserve the worst behavior only for the women and children that are vulnerable to them because of the love we have for them and relationship we have with them.To use the love people have for you and your relationship with them as a weapon for abuse and pain is nothing less than abominable.

What sickens me almost as much is that there are people who still explain and excuse away his behavior. "He was being bled dry by some skank gold digger." "If she stuck around, then she deserve what she got." "The tape is spliced, anybody could put anything together, it's not even his voice."

Wow! People will do anything to support a batterer instead of hold him accountable for his horrifying and inexcusable actions. But those same people are probably abusive themselves. It's easy to say that someone should leave someone they love right away when you aren't the one emotionally attached to and invested in the relationship. You aren't the one that is hoping every time you see a glimmer of good behavior, that this is the time he's really sorry and is going to change, and the relationship and family will be saved. Let's see how fast any of you would walk away from a relationship the instant your mate yelled at you or even hit you, when they followed it with a sincere sounding apology.

As impressed as I was with the job Mel Gibson did on depicting his interpretation of the last hours of the life of Christ and the immense agony that the journey to the cross had to have been in The Passion of the Christ, I am equally repulsed with knowing behind it all, he is another family terrorist.

Anyone can hurt people they don't know and not think twice about it. But how do you hurt the people in your own family?

Now, is Mel a human being capable of making a mistake? Sure.

Is he able to receive God's forgiveness and mercy?

Absolutely!

Am I judging him and casting the first stone?

Not at all, for we all have sinned and fall short of God's glory. I have to go to the throne of mercy many times a day.

I don't even care about his racist, nigger, Jew, and wetback comments. Whatever. He has to live with the hate in his own heart.

The problem I have with Mel, is the same problem I have with all abusive people - they will never change. Something like 98-99% of them will always be the way they are. They don't change for a number of reasons. One reason is that they are such liars, they can never admit they have a problem, which is the beginning point of change. They hide behind the persona they have created and that people outside of the relationship believe is the real them. They can't let go of that. They play it so well, that I believe on some levels they actually come to believe it themselves.

Another reason is they don't think they are the problem, WE are. "If you didn't talk to me like that. If you didn't dress like that. If you weren't flirting with that guy. If you didn't burn my dinner. If you cleaned the house. If you had sex with me when I wanted it.....," ad infinitum. There is no end to the reasons batterers attack. It is IMPOSSIBLE to ever make these people happy. You will go insane trying, because there's always something else.

Well Mel, you've been put on blast!!! Try and put her in that rose garden now! Your name can go down in infamy with O.J. Simpson, another psycho batterer and double murderer. Your name can go down with George Huguely who murdered lacrosse playerYeardley Love and Jose Medina that murdered Sheila Wallace, my cousin and mother of 3 children. Let your name forever be associated with Rihanna beater Chris Brown.

You are all cut from the same cloth. The only thing that separates Mel Gibson and Jeff Trotter from the previous mentioned murderers is that you didn't get to it before we left you and exposed you. But you are just as capable as you so nicely admitted Mel. My husband would have killed or maimed me one day, most likely in front of of my children. It's usually all just a matter of time because the level and frequency of violence doesn't decrease over time, it escalates.

You escape with your children and your life and you think, "Whew!" But then, just as in my case, they try and take our children from us. You end up entangled in long legal battles with them over the kids. Don't be fooled for one second, the custody petitions they file have nothing to do with the children or their love for them. They are using the children to punish us for leaving them.

If they loved their kids they wouldn't beat their mothers, especially in front of them. The children are just as much a weapon as their fists, mouths, or money. My husband wouldn't give his children the brand new beds that we bought for them when I asked him for them. It is on the record for all time in court. He can never deny he said no. His hired mouth denying his children beds on his behalf, so that he can continue to attempt his abuse of me. They are so very pathetic, its not even close to funny.

They are the source of nightmares, they are the real monsters in the closets and under the beds. They are bad men who call themselves husbands and fathers. They are cowards and scummy low lives. They need Jesus, but they are too proud and twisted to seek the only One that can save them from themselves.

God with Your righteous judgment and perfect ways, You handle these wretched men and please save the women and the babies that are imprisoned in a life with them.

"YOU ARE A DESPICABLE DEADBEAT JEFF TROTTER!"

2010-07-14T12:59:00.001-04:00

You owe me and your children
$30,000 in UNPAID CHILD SUPPORT!!!

Your children want to remain in the school that they love - it costs money.
Your children want to get involved in sports - it costs money.
Your children want to take music lessons - it costs money.

Your children want to go on a vacation like their friends - it costs money.
Your children need new beds for their new home - it costs money.
Your children need diapers, shoes, and clothing - it costs money.

You come to court with a effing lawyer that you are PAYING you mother$%@#R!!!

You come to court talking about (said in dumb ghetto voice), "I love my kids."

Sounding like another good for nothing bum N!@#$R that loves to OBTAIN babies but not MAINTAIN those babies.
You DON'T SEE your children.
You DON'T CALL your children.
You DON'T SUPPORT your children.
You don't even call them on their birthdays.
You are the scum of the earth.

You see people on the street and you want to tell them, "I didn't beat my wife." Well why were you in court ordered BATTERER'S SCHOOL for 6 months? Why did you spend a night in jail after being arrested for violating my order of protection? Why did you spend the weekend in jail after you were arrested in 1996 for assaulting NANCY?

You LIE LIE LIE!!!

Why do you have your mother that defends your behavior, call me to ask if she can come with you when you come see the kids? Oh, because you want her to think that I'm keeping the kids from you, when in REALITY, YOU STOPPED coming to see them!

You are a low life LIAR!!!

You hired a lawyer and PAID him to fight the petition that I filed to end the visits and the court being as generous as they are to abusive fathers as yourself, gave you 3 months of supervised visits. Three months for you to play DAD of the YEAR and pretend to be what you are not. But you stopped coming after 3 visits. You get your boys all happy about seeing you, looking forward to spending an hour with your DUMB MONKEY NEANDERTHAL A$$ and the bags of cheap toys and candy you bring, then you just abruptly stop coming. I keep trying to tell these stupid circus show courts about what you are...but they give you another chance anyway. And what do you do? You do JEFF & EFF it up. Bravo!!!

I don't care anymore about what you did to me. I am SO over you. I don't care if the kids never see you again. As a matter of fact, I think it would be best, given your character, nature, history and track record with them. But I do care about whether or not you support them, because that affects the standard and level of life they can live. That affects how much they can do and experience. For that, I will come after you like a blood thirsty hound. I will pound on the doors of the courthouse to have them pursue you. And if you don't pay, then you can get locked up with all of the other stupid criminals.

You still getting high all day everyday JUNKIE???
You smoking & drinking your kid's money away???

And just to let you know, your kids and I have continued to pray for you and your lost soul since the day we left. But you know what? Today, I pray you rot in the hell you create for us.

To any one other than Jeff that is reading this post, I'm sorry, but I had to vent today. I'm getting hit with a lot of things back to back. I'm working a lot and sleeping a little. Saying I'm a bit angry right now is an understatement. So if you are all sensitive and shocked about my thoughts, feelings, words or whatever, then I'm sorry, you'll just have to forgive me or don't. I'm living my life for me and I ain't aiming to please anybody. Nobody's living their life to please me right? So we all good! (bad English, I know.)

Was this post un-Christian like? Maybe. But you know what? Christians are people that aren't perfect, just redeemed because of the acceptance of a gift from God that is available to anyone who wants to receive it. I am a major work in progress and I'm not a hypocrite. I keep it real with my feelings and don't try to pretend that I don't have thoughts that aren't so pure & righteous. I'm just a wretched, miserable, sorry sinner, saved by God's grace, mercy, love, and free gift of eternal life. Take that away, and I'm just Tee. The person who has been wounded in various ways all of her life, the person that ain't nice all the time and doesn't laugh or smile 24 hours a day. The person that struggles with doubt, unbelief and sometimes yields to temptation.

But you know what else? I know who I am. I have been purchased with a high price. God says, He loves me just as I am, I'm forgiven, I'm righteous, I'm His child and His friend. I am His and He is mine and nothing can ever separate me from His love. And that's good enough for me.

God knows what I'm dealing with, He'll straighten me out. Christ already took care of every bad thing I'll ever think, say or do. And I don't take it lightly. I try not to abuse His grace.

But some days.......oh boy....some days are just harder than others. Some days, unfortunately....my flesh wins and has it's way.

He sees my burdens and knows my issues.
He sees and hears me cry out everyday.
He knows where I've been, where I'm going and what I've been through, down to every tiny detail.
He knows what He's allowing, why He's allowing it, and the end result of it in my life.
He knows I'm not what I should be yet, but He also knows I'm not what I used to be.
He knows the end at the beginning.
He knows every part of Tee.
I got a lot of years of struggles and tears ahead of me.
And although most of you will never see a single tear fall from my eyes,
God sees them and He'll catch them all.

Maintaining

2010-06-29T16:20:00.000-04:00

This is truly a new season. I am entering the middle stages of my life as a single mother with four young children. I have rejoined the work force, waking at 5am to get the kids to where they need to be and make it to work by 7am. We have a new home that is spacious, giving us the room we need to no longer be on top of each other. With that comes the maintenance.

I remember my pastor saying, "It is easier to obtain, than to maintain."
It is true of everything. It's true for relationships, weight, a car, a home. It was easier to become pregnant and give birth, than it is to take care of children and their daily needs. It was easier to get the job I have, than to make it to work on time everyday when I've only had four hours of sleep.

It was not easy waiting on our place. We moved many times from one temporary stop to another, on our personal underground railroad to freedom. But from application to move in day, was only four months. So it was actually easier to get this place than it is to up keep it.

Am I complaining? NO! Absolutely not! I'm just making an observation. I haven't had the time or energy to post anything on here since I finally got my internet connection working a couple weeks ago. I sit down with the intention to write, but then begin to fall asleep. I go to bed, telling myself that I will write something the next day. I am still trying to get the rooms, boxes and bags sorted out. I am always trying to catch up to the sleep I've missed. Most days I must admit, the house is a bit too messy for me.

But I am happy!

I'm enjoying the peace. I'm enjoying the independence. I'm enjoying the rebuilding process.

So anyway, I had a day off today and decided to take a break from the housework and sorting for a minute, to write. I don't have a whole lot to share at the moment, I've been so tired and distracted by work, the apartment, and Verizon having taken so long to get my connection working, that my mind kinda went out of writing mode for a minute.

I'll be back with more in the next few days. I need to talk about the possibility of dating again one day. Will I be able to do it? Will anybody be right? Can I trust anyone? Will I see red flags all the time? Are there any truly good men out there? I got questions....maybe some of you have some answers.

Anyway, in the meantime, here's some video clips from move in day that I wanted to share with you. The day Justina cried tears of relief and joy!

So What Do You Guys Think of This Place?

God Answered Our Prayers

We Love Jesus!!!

Cut From the Internet Vine

2010-05-19T11:34:00.000-04:00

I'm so sorry that it's been so long since I've been able to post anything. I haven't left or forgotten about my blog. I have been unable to get Internet service since I've moved into the new place and it is killing me!!! I can live without a TV or a phone, but I NEED to be online. I need to write, I need information, I need to research, I need to register for school, I need to post.

Over three weeks ago Verizon supposedly activated my home phone and Internet service, but I didn't get a dial tone, so I couldn't get online, even though it's wireless service. They finally sent someone out to fix the line last week. But when I got home, nothing had changed. They said that they would need access to the house so they can check the jacks inside, so we set it up for them to come by this past Sunday. I didn't hear from them so I thought they didn't come. Later on I found out that they had come by and worked outside again and left, saying the issue was resolved.

Well, it wasn't. Why didn't the guy ring my bell like he was supposed to and come inside to check the line before he left???

So when I called them on Monday to get someone back out here today when I am off from work, this was my experience....

1. The Lying Rep. Spoke to customer service rep who tried to get someone from dispatch on the line. After keeping me on hold for about 5 minutes, she said that she would get continue to try and get them and call me when she had someone on the line. She called me back about 5 minutes later and said she had someone, she would connect us and she would drop out of the call. Guess who got dropped?

2. Middle Man. I waited for about 10 minutes expecting someone to call me back. When they didn't, I called Verizon again. When the next dude got on the phone and got through all the yada yada and asked how could he help me, I asked him if he could see what was in the notes already, because I didn't feel like taking it from the top.

He said that he could see that I "had kept the previous representative on hold for a while then hung up on her." Excuse me? What the...??? I explained to him that what she said was a lie, I was the one that was hung up on. I told him that I was getting upset because this simple installation was turning into a long dragged out nightmare and I wasn't whispering. He told me he couldn't talk to me if I raised my voice at him. I said, "You know what? You're right. Give me a supervisor."

3. The Supervisor. This chick gets on the line and I ask her to read the notes and I explain to her that I have a simple request. I will be home on Wednesday and would like someone to come out then. I told her I'd be available from 10am - 12pm, 2:30pm - 4:30pm, & after 5:30 pm. She said that she needs 4 hours. I told her I just gave her 4 hours - 10-12 & 2:30-4:30. She said it had to be a consecutive, so I would need to do 10am-2pm. I told her that if I could do that I would.

I explained to her that when the guy came out on Sunday he was supposed to check the line from inside the house before he left and since he didn't do that, couldn't they make an exception to that 4 hour rule and accommodate a customer and just make sure he is there at 10am? She said no. I said, "So you are actually willing to lose a customer instead of making sure someone is at my home when I'm available?" She just kept repeating that she couldn't do it. So I told her to cancel my service. She said she couldn't do that either, it had to go through sales. I told her to give me sales.

4. Sales. The sales rep came on and I told her to cancel my service. She asked for the phone number and I gave it to her. She asked for the account number. I told her I didn't have it on me because I was outside. She said she needed it for security reasons. I told her well I couldn't give it to her when I got home either because I can't get online to see the information in the email. She said she couldn't cancel it without the account number. I told her, I'd call back to cancel when I got it and that, "Verizon sucks!"

I was pretty peeved. And now I was looking at no Internet service for God knows how long because Verizon kinda has a monopoly in my area. So anyway, I'm continuing to look for service and as soon as I get some, I'll be posting regularly again. Until then, I'll post from the library when I can, but it's hard since I usually need a few hours to work on a single post. If you subscribe by email, you'll be alerted as soon as I post.

When I can, I will update you all on the latest from the enemy camp. This fool just doesn't quit. He must be wealthy by now and extremely bored and the only thing he can think of to do with his money is keep paying some monkey in a suit to go to court with him to keep losing. He still ain't paying the court ordered support like he's supposed to, giving himself a $1500 discount every month. But paying his kids with that money he keeps paying these monkeys would be asking too much.

Oh well, here we go again. I guess I'll be getting some papers in the mail.

See you soon.

Weeping May Endure For 467 Nights, But Joy.......

2010-04-21T01:21:00.001-04:00

Finally, the breakthrough in our situation the children and I have been praying for has come. Today we will move into our new place, a four bedroom apartment of our own! After sharing one room and sometimes the same bed since March 2009, we will be able to stretch out and breathe. It's still hard to believe.

I mentioned in my last post that God had done some amazing things last week that I wanted to share with you. Where do I start?

Okay, so the kids and I had been staying in a hotel for the past seven weeks. Last week, I ran out of money and the child support that Jeff paid this month, was swiped by the system down here because they're giving us cash assistance. Last Wednesday was checkout day for us again at the hotel, but unlike the other days, I couldn't make a new reservation, so I packed up all of our stuff and loaded up the car.

Now, just a few days before this, on Friday of the previous week, Allentown Housing Authority called me in and had me do the interview and fill out the paperwork for our apartment that they said would be ready in three weeks. So finally there was a light at the end of the tunnel. We had come so far and made it so close and right at the end, the last three weeks of the journey, it looked like we could possibly end up in our car. I didn't have a plan or a clue, no idea what we were going to do. But something told me, that the car wasn't part of God's plan.

My counselor at the shelter said that she would ask her supervisors if we could return to the shelter just until our place was ready since we were so close. But she let me know on Wednesday afternoon that we had been denied. I understood. The shelter is a place for women and children who are presently in danger and escaping their abusive situations. That was not the case for us. They had already let us come and stay longer than most residents get to stay and we weren't in danger then. I thanked her anyway and told her it was alright.

We were going to be okay for that night because a friend said that he would pay for the stay for another night and he did. Later that day after I picked up the kids and squished them in amongst all of our stuff that was in the car, I got a call from a new friend from church. She was actually the mother of one of the kids in Solomon's class and I'd seen her most mornings since September when we dropped the kids off at school. We had never had the opportunity to talk until about two Sundays before. I had gone into the nursery at church to nurse Emmanuel on Easter Sunday and she was in there working.

We started talking and things got around to our situation and she offered her home to me so that I could cook meals for the kids and we exchanged numbers before I left. Well this particular afternoon, last Wednesday around 5:30 she called me, right after I began to cry from the weight of it all. She invited me to come out to the prayer group that night and told me not to worry, the hotel would be paid for. I met her at the church and she took me to her group. After a nice evening of fellowship, she and her husband, bought dinner for us and gave me the money to pay for another week at the hotel.

When I didn't know what we were going to do, where we were going to go or where the money was going to come from, just like that, from two new friends, God had again made a way.

The next day, which was last Thursday, I had an interview that came through my friend that paid for our extra night at the hotel the night before. The woman I met with was very nice, she explained the position and environment to me and told me that if I wanted it, the job was mine. Hallelujah! Just like that, I had a job. So much easier than the many months I spent looking and sending out resumes only to never get a response.
God was on a roll.

After I left the interview, and before I poured more power steering fluid in my car, I checked my voicemail and returned a few phone calls. The first one was to Allentown Housing. The representative that I met with the previous week, told me that our apartment would be ready the upcoming Wednesday, in one week instead of three. I couldn't believe it! God had supplied the money for one more week at the hotel and that was exactly all that we needed! God was really showing off now!

So to recap, I ran out of money to pay for the hotel. God supplied the money through two new friends.
Through one of those friends I had an interview and got a job.

That same day, Allentown Housing said our new place would be ready in a week.

Now, on to the car. About two weeks ago, the car suddenly started making a loud dinosaur like noise when I made a turn and my steering got stiff, making it almost impossible to turn at all. When I took it to the mechanic, he put some steering fluid in it and told me to get power steering fluid for leaks and that should take care of it. Well, it didn't take care of it. It was as if my power steering pump had a hole in the bottom. I'd pour it in and it would drain out way before I got to where I was going.

So I took it back to him. He looked at it again and said that it was the rack and pinion. Come again....my what? It was busted and I would need to get it replaced. I said, that it sounded like a big problem. He said it was and would cost about $400 to get fixed. I asked him if it was safe to drive it like it was, he said yes, but the fluid would keep leaking out. Oh, well. I bought bottle after bottle of power steering fluid and would pour some in every time I was going somewhere.

In any event, my mom had sent me some money to help us out, so I was took the car to get fixed last Saturday. I went to the shop, prepared to painfully fork over $400. The shop called me about an hour after I took it in and told me that the car was ready. I was surprised because he said it would take several hours to fix. It turned out it wasn't the rack and thing-ion after all. I asked him how did they do it so fast? I don't even remember what the guy told me the actual problem was. What I do remember him saying was, "It's $50." What?!!! I think I had spent $50 in steering fluid, believing I couldn't afford to get it fixed sooner. I was ecstatic!

God had hit it out of the park on that one.

So the money for the hotel on Wednesday.
A job on Thursday.
Word on Thursday that our place would be ready on Wednesday.
Car repaired on Saturday for $350 less than I was originally told.

The feeling I had was surreal. I couldn't believe that so many good things had happened in rapid succession for us. Every single need met - boom boom boom!

I did tell the kids about the job, but I didn't tell them about the apartment. I wanted to surprise them. We have continued to pray for a place to live. Solomon even asked me last night (Tuesday) before we prayed, if we were ever going to get a place to live where we could stay and not move again. I told him that we would, that's why we had to keep praying and asking God for it. We've been praying for this for so long. They know that Wednesday is our usual check out day and they know I don't have the money to pay for any more days at the hotel.

I told them we have to trust and believe God. I asked them if God had ever let us down yet? They said no. I reminded them of how we have always had food to eat, gas in the car and a place to sleep. They named all the places we've lived in the past 15 months. I reassured them that God would do it again. We would just have to wait and see what God was going to do and how He was going to do it. It is all part of our adventure and we'd see where God would take us on the adventure next.

Today I will meet with the landlord to sign the lease, give the deposit and get the key. I feel like a bride on her wedding day. I'm going to pick up the kids after school and tell them we're going to look at another apartment. I know they'll wonder and ask why I have keys to this apartment. I'll tell them the landlord let me have them to look at the place. Then we'll look around and I'll ask them what they think (hopefully they'll like it). What I can't wait to see is the look on their precious faces as I tell them, "We're home. This is our new home." I gotta make sure I get batteries for the camera, because it's going to be a moment I want to capture.

There were moments when my humanity got the better of me and I got frustrated, tired and even mad at how things were going and vented at God. There were times that I felt like I was losing my grip and felt like giving up and letting go. I felt like I was breaking. Like the words to a song I know, "I almost gave up, I felt like I just couldn't take life anymore...but God held me close so I wouldn't let go. God's mercy kept me close, so I wouldn't let go."

My Father knows my heart and He knows that all my eggs are and have always been in one basket - His. This week, God spoke to the wind and the waters, and calmed the storm and raging sea. This week, God has given me rest from the journey that began over a year ago on our exodus from a life of abuse, violence and heart breaking pain.

I know there will be more trials to come, Jesus promised that. But I also know it will be alright because this test has strengthened me, adding on to the strength I got from enduring 10 years of abuse, while I believed God to turn that situation around. I don't know what it is yet, but God is getting me dieseled for something. But for now, we have crossed over to a new season at last.

"It's a new season, its a new day. Fresh anointing is coming my way. It's a season of power and prosperity. It's a new season, coming to me." Israel Houghton

"I Almost Let Go"
by Kurt Carr

I almost let go.
I felt like I just couldn't take life anymore.
My problems had me bound
Depression weighed me down.
But God held me close, so I wouldn't let go.
God's mercy kept me, so I wouldn't let go.

I almost gave up.
I was right at the edge of a breakthrough but couldn't see it
The devil really had me;
but Jesus came and grabbed me,
And He held me close,
So I wouldn't let go.
God's mercy kept me,
so I wouldn't let go.

So I'm here today because God kept me.
I'm alive today,
only because of His grace.
Oh, He Kept me,
God Kept me,
He kept me,
So I wouldn't let go.

Lead
I almost Let go.
I felt like I just couldn't take life any more,
My problems had me bound,
depression weighed me down,
God held me close
So I wouldn't let go.
God's mercy kept me,
so I wouldn't let go.

So I'm here today because God kept me.
I'm alive today, only because of His grace.
Oh, He Kept me, God Kept me, He kept me, So I wouldn't let go.

Help My Unbelief

2010-04-20T15:09:00.000-04:00

I've learned that being a Christian doesn't mean that I'm perfect, and when I mess up, it doesn't mean that I'm a hypocrite or a phony. It means that I am human and I am loved and forgiven by an amazing, loving, kind and merciful God who bestows grace on me as a free gift.

I am glad that God doesn't do everything I ask Him to. I am glad that He doesn't leave me alone, even though I may scream at Him to do that and to keep the future He has for me to Himself, because the pain I feel at the time doesn't make it seem worth having.

I know that I desperately need God in my life. Doing things on my own doesn't make much sense to me if God can do it. He'll do it right the first time. But sometimes, I get frustrated and impatient with God's timing. I mean He's out of the realm of time, and we live our lives by the clock and the calendar, so we feel the pressure of the tick & the tock. It's hardest most of all when we aren't just waiting, but waiting in pain. So in my pain and frustration, I sometimes yell at God, usually in private. I also ask for forgiveness, A LOT! It's all usually kept between me and God, the way a lawyer and client have secret conversations that no one else knows about.

Well this time I wanted to publicly apologize to my heavenly father. If I can yell at him in front of others, I should apologize in front of others too.

Lord, all I can say is, I'm sorry. Thank you so much for being so good to me. I guess I still don't completely comprehend the way you love me. You stick by me no matter what I say or do, and my behavior doesn't cause you to change your mind about the good things you have planned for my life. I can throw the biggest temper tantrum, kicking and screaming like any other 2 year old child and you patiently wait for me to quiet down and allow you to hold me.

You don't always give me what I want when I want it. You have your reasons why and I see more and more as I journey through life with you that when you time it, it comes out just right. Ok, perfectly. I have become more patient than I used to be. I have become more faithful than I used to be. I trust you more and more with every trial and test. But sometimes, fear and fatigue creep in causing me to doubt you.

For those times when I don't trust you as I should, Lord help my unbelief. Forgive me for tripping in the post before last. You probably laughed at me as I sometimes laugh at my kids when they bug out. Forgive me for kicking you to the curb for a minute. I know you know my heart and you know that I would never walk away from you and turn back to Egypt. There's nothing for me back there but death. I will always need you in my life and thank you for promising to always be there for me and with me. You help me when I'm under attack and when I make a mess of things. Forgive me for every word and deed I do, that disappoints and grieves you.

I take back everything I said.

My kids and I have never been alone. Nothing that happened was an accident, coincidence or lucky break. No one would have done for us what they did if they weren't being led by you. You connected every dot and opened every door. Through others, you met every need and gave us every victory.

There will never come a time when I could or would want to do this life thing without you. That thought is frightening.

You are never
mean
cold
cruel
heartless
sadistic or
crushing.

You are good all the time. You are kind all the time. You are merciful all the time. You are loving all the time. You are uplifting all the time. You are faithful all the time.

I can tell people about these attributes of you because I know it personally. I have and continue to experience it.

You are healing us more and more everyday. There won't be any lifelong damage from anything we've been through. And my children have the greatest example of a father in the universe. They have learned so much about your goodness and how you love us because of what we've been through. I couldn't teach it to them by just telling them in the depth that they have learned by watching you do what you do.

You are so awesome God. I love you and I know that you really do love me and care about what affects me in my life. You put it all together and honestly, your timing was excellent when I stop to think about it. There is no way I would have accomplished what you did in 15 months.

I give you all the glory, honor and praise that you alone deserve.

In my next post, I'll let you know all the things that came together last week and how God has brought us into a new season. He turned things around and I believe is opening the windows of heaven......

Here's a link to a song that's been on my mind for the past week. I was overwhelmed with all the blessings that God poured out last week, especially since I had just reached the end of my rope with all that's been happening. This is an old song by The Winans, but it came back to me as God showed Himself to me in all that He made happen.

Lord, I believe....forgive and help my unbelief.

"Lord, I Believe!"

A man came to Jesus
Saying "Sir will you help my child,
Evil spirits come over him
And make him act so wild

They cast him into fire
And his life he tries to take
And I am rendered helpless
While my son just pines away

I took him to your disciples
But they didn't have the cure
They said if you just touch him
Then he'd be made whole"

Jesus said "Sir do you have faith in me
All things are possible
If you can just believe"

Chorus:
(He cried)
Lord I believe
With your help I'll see
Lord I believe
Help my unbelief
x2

Verse 2:
We're buffed about with trials
When heartaches are felt
When tried in the fire
Our courage begins to melt

Just like that man did back then
So do we today
When faced with the mountain
We let doubt get in the way

Jesus said if we have faith
The size of a mustard seed
He would make possible
Our impossibilities

Chorus

Bridge
It's always hard to see your way with the natural eye
So we cry
Help me, help me to see

Can't do it on our own no matter how we try
So we cry
Help me, help me to see
Help me, help me believe

Chorus x5

I believe
Lord remove all doubt
I believe

I believe
Lord increase my faith
I believe

I believe
Lord I believe
I believe...

Lead
I believe (x4)

Living Like Refugees

2010-04-11T19:03:00.002-04:00

Merriam Webster defines a refugee as: one that flees; especially : a person who flees to a foreign country or power to escape danger or persecution.

What is a Refugee Camp?
Wikipedia describes a refugee camp this way:

"A refugee camp is a temporary camp built to receive refugees. Hundreds of thousands of people may live in any one single camp. Usually they are built and run by a government, the United Nations, or international organizations, (such as the Red Cross) or non-governmental organizations."

"Refugee camps are generally set up in an impromptu fashion and designed to meet basic human needs for only a short time. Some refugee camps are dirty and unhygienic. If the return of refugees is prevented (often by civil war), a humanitarian crisis can result."

"People may stay in these camps, receiving emergency food and medical aid, until it is safe to return to their homes. In some cases, often after several years, other countries decide it will never be safe to return these people, and they are resettled in "third countries," away from the border they crossed." - Wikipedia.com

I believe that the unfortunate people that end up in refugee camps have got to be some of the most heartbroken people in the world. They survived war in their homelands, witnessed and lived through heinous crimes and the most vile atrocities committed against human beings. Then they have to live in crappy tents and sleep on the ground with very little to eat, for months or years on end. It is a sad place. Outside of the war zone, it has got to be one of the most hopeless places a human being could ever know.
I have said many times over the past 15 months that my children and I have been living like refugees. Like many people around the world that live in war zones, we were forced to flee our home to escape the clear and present danger of our daily lives. Also like refugees, our existence has been uncomfortable and painfully difficult.

Living like a refugee is not easy.

We have moved 7 times from one temporary "camp" to another. Packing up our things in bags and dragging them with us over and over again. It's exhausting. We have slept on mattresses on the floor and made of air, our equivalent of "sleeping on a tarpaulin mat." We have slept all together in a single bed. We have slept underground. Whether we lived in a shelter, with family or a friend, we were living in "another man's land," confronted with "strange dialects and unusual diets." Basically meaning that everyone has their own style of living and when you live with others, you have to accept lifestyles that are different from and sometimes in conflict with yours.

Living like a refugee is not easy.

What is the single thing that any refugee wants more than anything? To return to the home they knew before the war. For me and my kids, there was no time before the war. There was always war and war was always there. For us like many other refugees, sometimes returning home is not an option, because home will never be safe.

So then the second thing that refugees want more than anything is to settle into a new home in a new land. And for a refugee, it ain't easy. You have left everything behind. You have no money, no job, no home. You have to begin all over again in a new place. That place can sometimes be hostile and unwelcoming and you will have to fight for every morsel you get.

Living like a refugee is not easy.

Whatever becomes of refugees? Do they return home? Do they set up a new life in a new land? Do they live in the camp for years and years? Do they die in the camp? I don't know. I know that we aren't returning home. I know that setting up a new life in this new land has been fraught with never ceasing obstacles. We are into our second year in the camp. Will we make it out alive? Only God knows.

The "non-governmental organizations" that have brought humanitarian aid to us in our camp, have come in the form of family - my parents and sisters, good friends, domestic violence agencies, and even strangers. They have helped us survive this rough time of transition. But we want to begin to live again, not just breathe.

There have been more than a few days when I felt the war zone was better than the misery of the camp. It's not the kind of life I wanted my kids to experience. But such is life. It has a way of being so out of our control at times. So so so many times I've wanted to give up. Life in the camp can wear you out, crush your spirit, break down your mind, and cause you to lose all hope. I need a break, I need to catch my breath and I need to exhale.
Nope.........living like a refugee is not easy.

"Living Like a Refugee"

You left your country
to seek refuge
in another man's land
You left your country
to seek refuge
in another man's land

You will be confronted
by strange dialects
You will be fed
with unusual diets

You got to sleep
in a tarpaulin house
which is so hard
You got to sleep
on a tarpaulin mat
which is so cold

Living like a refugee
is not easy
Living like a refugee
is not easy
Living like a refugee
is not easy
Living like a refugee
is not easy.
~ Lyrics to "Living Like a Refugee" by Sierra Leone's Refugee All-Stars

From Refugees To All Stars

Are You There God? It's Me, Tee

2010-04-10T12:33:00.001-04:00

He said He'd never leave me nor forsake me.
So why have I been deserted in this wilderness?

He said that if I prayed anything according to His will, He'd answer my prayer.
So why are me and my children still without a home?

He said not to repay evil for evil, that vengeance was His.
So why is my husband having the time of his life while his children and wife suffer endlessly?

He said He is a God of justice.
So where is the justice when victims pay for the crimes committed against them, while their victimizer goes scott free?

He said to cast all my cares on Him because He cares for me.
So why am I still dealing with the same cares that I cast on Him over a year ago?

He said that He sees and holds each tear I cry.
Is that so He can pour them all back on me?

I don't know what to believe anymore. I believed so many things for so long. I prayed over the same things for years. I confessed & professed that God would give me the victory over the circumstances that were weighing me down and breaking my heart and He would get the glory.

None of that has happened. I feel stupid, ashamed and embarrassed for trusting Him. I feel like a fool. I sang, "How great is my God, For You are Great and I Will Trust You." I believed that the victory was in my praise, that my praise would bind up the enemy and that no weapon formed against me would prosper.

Well....my enemy is on his way to Moscow again tonight. You know the place he told the support judge he doesn't go to anymore because his business hasn't made any money since the day the kids and I left. Yeah, that Moscow.

Let me tell you about Moscow. He stays in an opulent 5 star hotel, all expenses paid. He spends his days and nights in a private "gentlemen's club/casino" (and I'm sure undercover whore house), for rich men and their mistresses.

He is served gourmet meals whenever he wants to eat. He drinks very expensive wine (hundreds of $$$ a bottle) out of crystal glasses - the kind that sings when you run your finger around the rim. He has 24 hour porn on several channels in his room. He smokes weed with his business partner and whoever else is hanging with them.

When he's not in Moscow, he's in NY living in the home that he used to share with his family. He can bring whatever sluts he wants to sleep in the bed we shared. He sleeps when he wants, wakes when he wants, goes where he wants when he wants, does what he wants when he wants to do it. He spends days and nights with his lesbian daughter and pathetic old ass ex-girlfriend, painting the town red and burning up the bed in her Manhattan skyrise at night.

The life I live is the exact opposite of that. Our accommodations are -5 star. I rarely get any time to myself, not to think or even use the bathroom. I think I may have been out on my own without any of the kids twice in the past 15 months. I am with one to four children 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I have been sharing a single room with my kids for eight months. I share a bed with my kids at night and the only thing burning up my bed is urine.

I have no peace, no quiet - EVER. I am constantly breaking up fights, being ignored, talked back to disrespectfully, dealing with a range of behavioral issues, cleaning pee from the toilet, floor and walls, wiping poopy butts and spitup, picking up food, clothes, toys and garbage off the floor, out of the car and everywhere else.

We live out of suitcases, but we never board a plane. Our feet never leave the ground. There are no gourmet meals for us. No expensive wine and crystal goblets for me. No drugs to help me feel like life ain't so bad. Nothing to comfort me. Oh wait, that's supposed to be God right?

Whatever.

The way things are going....I don't know what's going to happen to us.

Nothing that is happening to us is fair, right or just, from my point of view. The wicked man that didn't love his wife as God told him to and hurt her in every way imaginable, terrified and damaged his kids maybe for life, and destroyed his family is LOVING his life.

Me on the other hand....I wish I was...............anyway.

No one in his life has a problem with the fact that the family that he used to have, has vanished into thin air. Not his mother, his friends, his business partners or associates. No one will stand up to this a$$hole and tell him that what he did and continues to do to his wife and children is despicable. No one will stand up and say, "I can't stomach to even be around someone like you." Maybe they actually believe that cockamamie story about being the victim of my abuse.

I'm beginning to feel like the abuse was actually better than what we're going through now. If I'm going to lose my mind anyway, it would've been easier to lose it without having to be penniless & homeless first.

Was I not supposed to leave, God? Was I supposed to let him break a few more of my bones?
Was I supposed to stay and continue being that godly example to win the heart of my husband?

I thought I was.

I thought that's why he turned to You and joined me and the children in serving You.
But he was living a lie and because of that, so were the children, so was I. You knew he was a fraud, why didn't You let me know sooner?

God, if You're not going to help me, don't continue to break me, just please take me. I really, really can't do this anymore.

I can't tell anyone about Your goodness, favor or mercy, because I'm not experiencing it. I believe the good things that happened for us before were just because of nice people and lucky breaks.

Getting sole custody of the kids was no biggie. Jeff doesn't really want them, he just wants to use them to get at me. So of course he'd agree for me to have all the responsibility of raising them by myself. He wants the title of daddy without the work and commitment of a father. He's abandoned his child before. This isn't new for him.

The kids got into a great school because I begged and some kind people had mercy on us. The support order is a worthless piece of paper that no one is going to enforce on him, it's a joke. Christmas was good because of our family, dear friends and a nice woman that met us, felt compassion for us and asked her company to adopt us. And those kind people were touched with the Christmas spirit and generosity.

We have been asking YOU for a place to live for over a year!!!

Where is it God????? Where is it?????

We have continued to pray for the person that has caused all our pain and misery. Did you touch his heart of stone so that he would choose to do the right thing? NO!!!!!

WHAT THE F#$% IS THIS S#!&???!!!!

I'll tell you what it is.
It's mean.
It's cold.
It's cruel.
It's heartless.
It's sadistic.
It's crushing.

It's clear to me that the kids and I are on our own and have been all along.

You're supposed to be our perfect heavenly Father.
My kids won't ever know what a good father is and I have three boys to raise. I can't be an example of a good man or a good father. I am doing my best just to be a decent mother.

You really, really, let me down. You let us all down.

Here's some pictures of where the lying, abusive, deadbeat that owes us $20,000 will be staying while on his latest trip to Moscow. You know the trip he will tell the court he never took or took but wasn't paid. When in actuality he will have already taken his cut that would be more than enough to pay us what he owes in full and still have enough left over to take his nasty ho on her annual pilgrimage to Japan and pay for the hundreds of dollars in parking tickets that he gets in front of her apartment building when he goes to dig her out.

The apartment building of his geisha ho.

A House of Prayer

2010-03-29T22:21:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow is March 30, 2009 and I go to court again to face off with Jeff. At least this time I don't have to drive to NY to do it. I filed a petition to end his visitation with the children because of his continued bad behavior and traumatizaton of the children. As I said in a previous post I already know it's a long shot and very unlikely that my request will be granted. But I am at least hoping that the supervised visits will be extended for at least 2 years or whatever the maximum is. I'm sure as usual he will have his hired gun there, that he is paying for with the child support he's not paying. I won't have any representation because down here, the court doesn't provide attorneys for you if you can't afford one and the one legal organization that helps people pro bono, said they don't handle my kind of case.

Well what I will have is my heavenly Father, and that should be all I need. I will pray for, trust and expect God's will to be done yet again. If it's His will for Jeff to be out of our lives completely, then He will make that happen. If for some reason He wants me to continue to have to deal with this man as I deal with other forms of adversity as part of the bigger picture for me, then so be it.

I will just have to accept it and still hold on to my peace.

Which leads me to the message I heard yesterday in church. It was one of those words in season that you know when you hear it, God is talking to you and something you are dealing with. For a little while now, I've felt myself slipping. Slipping in my thoughts, actions and behaviors. In a way, I was kicking God to the curb. I told Him, "That's it. I'm done doing the right thing. I'll just do what I want to do. What difference does it make anyway? Doing the right thing and trying to live righteously and faithfully hasn't gotten me anywhere. So I can live like everyone else, have fun and still end up with bad results."

The pastor that spoke yesterday said that instead of complaining to others, we should take our complaints to God. Trust me, I do. Some people don't talk to God because they say they don't know how. Well, I learned a while ago that you can talk to God like you'd talk to any other friend you have. So I do. I let Him know when I'm pissed off, sad, hurting, can't take any more, happy, thankful and when I don't know what to do.

But for a little while now, I hadn't been talking to God that much. Basically because I've felt let down and abandoned. I know that He said He'd never leave me or forsake me, but being without a place to live for over a year with 4 children can begin to wear down the strongest patience and hope and make you question whether God is still around or even cares about what is happening to you.

I told God more than once in the past few months that I don't want the future He has for me, I just want to live a decent life. If I have to continue going through hell to get to heaven on earth one day off in the distant future, He could keep it.

I did also add that I needed Him to have mercy on me and forgive my frail humanity. I don't want to get too disrespectful with God.

The pastor directed us to several passages of scripture to illustrate the message he delivered. One of those passages was Luke 19:37-48, and he focused on verse 46 which says, "and He said, "It is written, My house shall be called a house of prayer, but you have made it a den of thieves!" Jesus yelled this as He was tossing out the merchants that were in the temple selling things. The temple of God was supposed to be holy, where people went to hear the word of God taught and to pray, yet people were turning it into a mall with the money god and idol things. Kinda like today, don't cha think?

Another passage was 1 Corinthians 6:19, "Do you not know that your body is a sanctuary of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God?..." And Philippians 4:6-7, "Don't worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Okay, so what was the crux of the message and what is the point that I'm making now? Glad you asked.
The bible speaks to us literally, figuratively and symbolically. Before Christ died on the cross, the actual temple building that was made out of stone was the place of prayer. Only the high priest was allowed to go into the inner sanctuary where the presence of God dwelt. A thick heavy veil separated the inner sanctuary from the outer and if anyone other than the high priest crossed it, they would die on the spot.

When Christ died on the cross, He said, "It is finished." Instantly the veil of the temple was torn from top to bottom which was symbolic of one of the greatest benefits of Christ's sacrifice. The inner sanctuary was no longer "For High Priests Only." Now anyone could access God directly and intimately. And upon acceptance of Christ as Lord and High Priest of our lives, then our bodies become the temple of the spirit of God and He dwells in us. We become living sanctuaries and our bodies, our selves should be a "house of prayer."

The bible says we should "pray always with all prayer and supplication in the spirit..."(Ephesians 6:18) and to "Pray without ceasing." (1 Thessalonians 5:18) Why do we need to pray all the time? Is it because God will be angry if we don't and punish us or He'll be sad and cry? No. It's because this world is full of evil, wickedness and dark forces. We are engaged in a spiritual war and "the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty in God for the pulling down of strongholds." (2 Corinthians 10:4)

Prayer is for us not God. God is perfect, problem free and all powerful. He doesn't need our prayers.
It benefits us to pray. What are the benefits? There are several of them.
One benefit is a closer more intimate relationship with God. What can be cooler than being on a deeply personal level with the One that has the whole universe in His hands? I can't think of anything.

Another benefit is answer to our prayers, whether it's for ourselves or on behalf of others. Who doesn't want their prayers answered? I know that just like our own kids, we always want the answer to be yes or else we feel it wasn't answered at all. But sometimes for our own good, it has to be, no. That's why we have to pray for His will to be done, not ours. When what we want lines up with God's will, He moves on our behalf.

Finally, when we pray about anything and everything, "the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Considering all the troubling times we live in and things going on in this country, in this world and in our individual lives, being able to have peace that surpasses any issue is an awesome thing and it's free!

So I realized during the message yesterday that kicking God to the curb was the wrong thing to do. No matter what I'm feeling or going through, I have to keep talking to God, keep praying my way through and out of this situation. I would prefer not to go through anything I'm going through now or anything I've gone through the past 10 years, but Jesus would've preferred not to go to the cross too. He prayed and asked God to take that cup from Him, that if it could be done any other way, please do it that way. But He also ended it with, not His will but God's will.

I've been asking God to take this cup from me.
I told Him that the cross I'm bearing is breaking me and it's becoming a deal breaker for my relationship with Him. I said that I wasn't feeling His bland plan and thought I might as well return to Egypt because at least there are leeks and garlic there. I told Him that if His plan was to crush my spirit, it was working perfectly.

Jesus chose to let go and let God have His way. Through his obedience and sacrifice, a number that no man can number, will be saved and set free from a life of bondage and death. His reward is to sit at the right hand of the Father with all power, victory and glory. God is lifted up and glorified for the genius of His plan that displayed His goodness, kindness, mercy and love toward mankind.

I'm not Jesus. Billions of people aren't going to be saved from eternal damnation because I was abused and homeless for what feels like forever. But who knows what God is doing and how He intends to get glory from it, because in the end it will point back to Him and it will all become clear.

In the meantime, what do I do? Don't worry about it. (Trust me, easier said than done.) Pray without ceasing about anything and everything and allow the peace of God to surpass anything I could think about the circumstances. I kicked God to the curb and being who He is, I know He sat patiently and lovingly on my curb waiting for me to come back and continue my journey with Him.

I'm tired of all this courtroom drama, I want the legal system out of our lives. I would like for my husband to leave us alone forever. I'm tired of moving from one temporary place to another. I'm tired of struggling.

But God knows that. He knows because I've told Him and you know, because He's God and all.

He knows my issues, my struggles, my concerns, my desires, my strengths and weaknesses. He knows what I can do and will do and He knows what He plans for me to do. This Palm Sunday God gently rebuked me, corrected me so that He can continue to teach me and train me for the work He's called me to do ~ whatever that is.

And I guess I do want the future He has for me after all. He said its better than anything I could even imagine.
"...No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him." (2 Corinthians 2:9)

So for now, while I have to wait in my Paul and Silas style prison, I'll continue to develop my relationship with God, going deeper and becoming more intimate with Him. I'll continue to pray knowing that somewhere in the spirit realm, something is happening that I can't see yet in the natural. And through that, God's peace should fill me to overflowing, if I let it.

"All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness..." (2 Timothy 3:16)

LOST

2010-03-23T23:30:00.002-04:00

What do you do when you don't know what to do anymore?
What do you do when you've done all you feel you could do, should do, know to do?

The Word of God says to stand. Donnie McClurkin sings it.

Well, I've stood. I know I've been working hard to keep my kids' life as stable and close to normal as possible. There isn't a lazy bone in my body. It shows in my face as my dark circles get worse from getting up early and going to bed late. It shows in my hands which are perpetually dry, cracked and calloused. It shows in my arm which has ached for months with a case of tendonitis. A trip to the doctor ended with me being told to "stop doing" what I did to cause the injury.

Okay. Sure.

Tell me doc, how do I stop taking care of my kids? There's no nanny around. Tell me how to move our shit from place to place every couple of months. (Ooops! I said a bad word.) There's no man around. Tell me how to move my infant from one place to another when he can't walk. Tell me how to do that and I'll stop doing what I did to cause the injury.

It shows in my mind that some times just comes up blank and empty. I always have a "to do" list, but some days I just can't do my "to do."

I feel like I'm not helping anyone at all. That was the point of my being here in the blogoshpere. I wanted to use my experience to make a difference. I'm not sure that's happening because I'm weary from what's been happening to me. I didn't intend to be another raving lunatic out here on the great wide web, talking nonsense.

I feel like I'm starting to vent, complain and whine too much.
I feel like I'm giving in to the negativity that has been inflicted upon me and that I'm starting to give it back.

I feel lost. I don't know where I am, where I'm going, what's happening or what direction to go in next.

I've asked God for guidance to the point of pleading and begging and I'm sure it's probably just me, but I don't hear Him talking.

I'm feeling very alone.

I didn't create this mess, but I'm the one left to clean up this Exxon Valdez size disaster by myself with a plastic spoon and a paper towel.

"It'll be alright. You're strong. You'll get through this. God won't put on you more than you can bear."

NOT!

Maybe I can just be mad. Can't I be weak? Maybe I won't get through this. And here's a newsflash.......GOD DOES ALLOW MORE TO COME ON US THAN WE CAN BEAR!!!

I really thought that was a scripture in the bible and I was convinced that I had seen it and read it with my own eyes. I tore my bible up trying to find it. But you know what?

IT'S NOT IN THE BIBLE PEOPLE SO STOP SAYING IT!!!

It's another scripture that has been twisted by mankind. It is a clichè. It is just a saying. It is like, "cleanliness is next to godliness." It comes from 1 Corinthians 10.13 which states, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." This scripture is talking about temptation, NOT trials and tribulations. Remember, Jesus promised us we would have them in this life.

God can and does allow whatever He wants to happen to us to happen and there's nothing we can do about it. It's all about His plan and His purposes.

Does it mean that I don't love God if I get a little tired of His plan? Not at all. It means I'm human and have a breaking point. Does it mean that I can't recover from it all? Nope. It means that I will stagger and sometimes fall as I try to get back on my feet.

Does this mean that I'm useless to others? I hope not, cause then none of this $%#&! made any sense if I can't. I guess I'm supposed to always mention something about my situation with my husband or abuse and violence, victims or survivors in every blog.

Sometimes I'm just me.

The victim turned survivor.

The wife that's only a mother.

The believer that's only human.

Get Off My Planet Please!

2010-03-17T11:54:00.004-04:00

The children's law guardian contacted me the other day. He said he'd been reassigned to the case because of the petition I filed. I filed a petition down here to end the visits between my children and their father. Since he clearly hasn't been rehabilitated in spite of his court ordered batterers class and had no problem whatsoever scaring them again, I thought maybe the court can make him go away.

I know that the chance of getting him out of their lives is very remote, since you have to basically be a serial killing, child rapist, cannibal to be kept away from your kids. Being an abusive, violent, sociopath isn't bad enough to lose your parental rights. But what the heck, maybe we'll get lucky.

Anyway, when I talked to the law guardian, he informed me that my husband was in court filing a violation petition against me. Come again?

I asked him what kind of violation is he talking about? I'm keeping the children from him. Oh, boy...here we go again. That's how all of this started. The children and I were placed in a domestic violence shelter to escape him and the next day he was in court filing for custody, claiming I was keeping the children from him.

Cheese and rice, give me a bleeping break!

This saga has shown me first hand how messed up our court system is. Petitions are handed out too easily. Before someone gets to drag someone else into court, they should have to show some kind of proof to support their allegations. In NY you don't have to pay to file petitions, they are filed for free. I thought that was cool because down in PA you have to pay to file petitions. But I do see the wisdom behind that. If you are going to take up the courts time, then be willing to put up some money to do it. Maybe a few less false petitions are filed.

In my case, I wish he did have to pay to file, but I know money is no object to him. Harrassing me is worth any amount of money he has. Why would he care about a measley filing fee when he is willing to pay thousands of dollars to a lawyer to pursue these petitions, only to lose in the end, but nonetheless, start over again? Better still, he should have to file his petitions down here, where we live. The kids and I have been residents of PA for a year now, he should have to file in the jurisdiction where the children reside. I bet the trip down here would keep him from filing false petitions.

My husband hasn't seen our children since November 29, 2009 (the day he violated my protection order), but I haven't kept them from him. Since I was first awarded sole legal and physical custody of the children and he was granted visitation, I have NEVER initiated a visit between him and the children. When he wanted to come see them, he'd call, text or email me and we'd set up a time and place. If I didn't hear from him, he wasn't coming.

Since his arrest on December 5, 2009, he hadn't contacted me to see the children. Since his hearing on December 17, 2009 in which he was found guilty of contempt, he hasn't contacted me per the court order to have no contact with me. I certainly wasn't going to contact him. The judge in that hearing said that the visits should continue with Catholic Charities supervising. So, I waited to hear from someone letting me know a visit has been set up with them. I heard nothing. His lawyer called me twice in February I believe, asking me to call him. I could see no reason why I should talk to his lawyer without having a lawyer of my own. It could be some kind of set up.

The third message he left for me in early March, he threatened me with going back to court. Now I was pissed, so the bait worked. I called him and asked him why was he threatening me? He said that Jeff wants to see the children. I told him that I have nothing to do with that, its supposed to go through Catholic Charities. He said that he called them and they said that I need to call so they can get information from me for the initial interview process. I told him, that no one told me that, so how was I to know? He said he didn't know either until speaking with them.

Fine. I told him to call me back and leave the info on my voicemail. Jeff and his lawyers make me so sick.

I called them, spoke to the man whose name I was given. He took all the relevant information he needed from me and told me that we would be put on the waiting list. There were other families ahead of us and it could take anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 months. I smiled.

Fine with me. I have no control over this. He violated my order. He got the courts involved again. The judge changed the order from me supervising to Catholic Charities. They have a waiting list. I have nothing to do with the reason he hasn't seen his kids. It's all his dumb a$$ fault.

Ha ha.

He really sucks. The only person violating any court orders has been HIM. He violated my order of protection and he continues to violate the child support order by not paying, and he has the nerve to file a FALSE violation petition against me. There should be consequences for that.

The law guardian also told me that he stood up there in court and said that the case down here against him had been dismissed, that nothing happened to him!

Shiver me timbers!

How can you lie about something that can be so easily proven to be a lie? This nut has no fear of the penal system whatsoever! I guess with good reason, they don't do anything to lying batterers that waste the court's time. Well, I will be more than happy to show the court that he was found GUILTY of contempt and now thank God has a criminal record that will follow him all the days of his life.

I always wished I had big brothers and wished it more this past year than ever. He has everything he's ever wanted now...his rich Japanese girlfriend and daughter, more money than he ever had while I was with him, and the freedom to live his trifling life out in the open. Why can't he leave his black wife and black kids alone? Don't we have it bad enough being husband and fatherless in America? We were never what he really wanted. He liked the picture of what we represented and the respect that it gave him amongst his black friends and drum circle buddies. He liked the endless compliments we got from strangers of, "You have a beautiful family."

He looked the part. Black man with beautiful black family playing his African djembe listening to Farrakhan DVDs and talking righteously. It made him look bona fide. He said his, "Peace. Blessings. One." He smoked his weed in defiance of "the man," or devils as he called them. Always talking about "devils this and devils that." Funny now how he's loving to pay those same devils to represent him in court in his crusade against his wife and children. I haven't seen this negro with one black lawyer.

He's such a fraud.

Anyway, I felt like venting today. He really makes me sick.

I wish he'd leave me alone.

Go away forever.

And just get off my planet, please!!!

"Just leave me alone, leave me alone. Leave me alone, leave me alone. Stop it! Just stop dogging me around!"

LEAVE ME ALONE!!! (R.I.P. MJ)

Is It Duck Season Already?

2010-03-11T09:29:00.000-05:00

I saw a bee yesterday.

It was kinda strange because it isn't even officially spring yet and we still have traces of the last big snow storm on the ground. What was a bee doing out in March?

The bee wasn't flying, it was walking slowly on the ground right next to where I had just parked my car, as though it couldn't fly. I watched it for about a minute and thought to myself, "See, that's what you get for trying to come out too early." I don't like bees.

Another thing happened yesterday.

My order of protection expired.

So, I guess now my husband can begin harassing me again. I bet he had the date circled on his calendar. He's free to be what he was before, a violent obsessive maniac. Fortunately, he doesn't know where we live.

I hope that after a year he has grown out of the desire to physically fight with me. But once a batterer, always batterer. There is no cure for battererism (my own word), except for Jesus and my husband doesn't know Him and apparently the way he's chosen to live his life, doesn't want to.

When you choose to follow Christ, you have to give up some things, like violent behavior, adultery, lying, cheating, and not taking care of your children. You don't give up these things because God will hate you if you do. You give them up because of His love for you and your desire to return that love to Him.

Since there is no man made cure for being abusive and violent, there should be no expiration on protection orders. I mean, I know it's only a piece of bull$h!t paper and if someone really wants to hurt you, they will. But for those batterers that are still semi-sane and enjoy their freedom, it is a bit of a deterrent.

I guess only time will tell what he does. But he's so sneaky and conniving, that I have to be on my guard and suspect that he's always up to something. He earns tens of thousands of dollars in cash that he can do whatever he wants with since he doesn't support his children with it. He hired a lawyer to keep that money away from his kids, he hired a lawyer to try and take my kids from me.

Would he hire a bad man to hurt me?

I have lived long enough and seen enough to know NOT to put anything past anybody. Everyone is capable of everything. And considering the fact that he's a sociopath, I can't ever say what he won't do.

I came across an interesting website by accident one day called: Love Fraud.com. If you click on the link "Key Symptoms," on the left, they describe my husband to a tee. When I read through the links, the hair on the back of my neck stood up and it sent a chill down my spine to realize that I was in a relationship with a sociopath for almost 11 years, tried to love him and sadly had children with him. But it all made sense and explained various things I saw in his personality that had always bothered me.

It also helped me finally understand why I never felt like he truly loved me, even when he would say it. Deep down inside I didn't believe it, but closer to the top, I wanted to. If he loved me then there would be hope that he could change, that one day he could actually be good to me and our family. But the truth is he couldn't love me and was never sorry for anything he did to me or exposed his children to, because sociopaths are incapable of love, remorse, guilt or empathy.

Well, as I've been doing for many years now, I will have to continue to trust God. I pray for His protection around us every day. Although I may feel somewhat exposed and sorta kinda like a sitting duck at the start of duck season with an idiot hunter desperate to stuff and mount my head on his wall, I have to believe God has a better plan for my life than that. I'm hoping that it's "coming to his senses" season and he'll give up this foolish hunt.

Anyway, enough of that! Time to laugh. Here's a link to a video of a Bugs Bunny episode titled, "Rabbit Fire." Ironically, it's one of my favorite episodes. Just throwing it in for fun! I can laugh about anything, no matter how unfunny it may be.

"Rabbit Fire"

Ooops! I Missed Court Today

2010-03-10T12:36:00.002-05:00

I got a call from someone at Queens Family Court around 11:30am this morning informing me that I was supposed to appear in court today and that if I didn't, my petition would be dismissed. I didn't even know I had a petition that was on the calendar in New York.

Apparently it was for my husband's violation of my order of protection. Well, I definitely didn't want that dismissed. I explained to the clerk that I had moved several times and was not sure that I was receiving all of my mail and had been unaware of the court date.

After being put on hold for a few minutes, she came back and told me that the case would be adjourned. She took my address, said I would be sent the new date and to be sure to be there. I so hate driving to New York for this court crap. It's usually a waste of my time, energy, gas and money. He was found guilty for contempt down here for violating the order, but he only had to pay court costs. It would only be worth the trip if they lock him up or at least put him on probation.

Does anyone know how I can get in touch with Anthony Fremont? Who is that? He's the boy from The Twilight Zone, episode #73 - "It's a Good Life." Anthony could wish bad people into the cornfield, or turn them into whatever he wished, like a jack-in-the-box. I think my husband would make a great jackass-in-the-box. If he'd fade into the cornfield, then maybe we can begin to have a good life.

"You're a bad man, you're a very bad man...."

"It's a Good Life"