The Emotional Abuse

He was emotionally abusive.

His behavior was very hurtful to my heart. It was like he went out of his way to make sure that I didn't feel good about myself. Very rarely would he compliment me. I could go to the hair dresser and come back looking pretty darn good. Most men would naturally compliment the women in their lives when they come back fresh from the salon. It would be strange and unnatural if they didn't.

Well, the unnatural is what Jeff would do to me. I would walk in and when I saw him, I thought his face would light up and he'd tell me how good I looked or at least that my hair looked nice. He would say nothing. It would be as if I just came back from the laundromat or something. Not a word. It would hurt my feelings, but I'm sure that was the intention behind his silence.

He would find more fault and reasons to criticize me, than to encourage me and lift me up. He operated under, "If you have something nice to say, DON'T!" When our daughter was about a year old, I wrote what I thought was a cute little rhyming story for her and was proud of it. I shared it with Jeff and I don't remember what he said, but I remember how it felt, it stung. After he was done ripping it apart, I felt stupid and small and didn't want to share anything I wrote with anyone ever again.

He didn’t support any of my dreams or goals. He didn’t support the things I liked to do or was interested in. Our lives became about him, his interests and the things he wanted to do. He would criticize what I watched on TV if it were not something he’d watch. Yet any of the trash he looked at was fine. I have always had an interest in the law and eventually got my A.S. in Criminal Justice, which was to be the first leg on my journey to law school. So naturally, true crime shows interested me. He would make comments about me being so morbid.

In 2005 I started writing and publishing a newsletter for my family. I would write short articles on spiritual matters, family, news that you don't hear on regular TV, and anything else that would be helpful or of interest to other people, and my mom would print it on her professional printer and mail them out. I got a lot of positive feedback from my family about them. I wrote this newsletter for a year and not once did Jeff look at them and give me a positive word about it. Yet, some people in my family would take their newsletters to work or show their friends and then some of them wanted to get on the mailing list too.

I like listening to gospel music for a number of reasons. It lifts my spirit, it ministers to my soul and it allows me to offer praise and worship to God. After rebuilding my relationship with God, I became less and less interested in secular music and really didn’t listen to it. Not to mention that to me, most of the music out in the world was crap and the singing lousy.

He had gotten me an MP3 player for Christmas about 2 years ago and when I finally figured it out, I filled it up with gospel music. Well I had it with me and was listening to music as we walked around one day at the Botanical Gardens with our kids. Instead of just enjoying the nice day and beautiful scenery, he had to find something negative to focus on with me. So he asks me in a condescending tone, “Why is that all you listen to?” I gave him the same reasons that I just mentioned in the previous paragraph. But he wouldn’t drop it. He kept needling me and saying stuff until we were arguing, ruining yet another family outing that was supposed to be fun.

He would disrespect me when it came to other women and let me know that he was a man and he could look at naked women if he wanted to, when I expressed to him that it hurt me when he did. He would let his ex disrespect me and call any hour of the night, and kept his daughter away from me because his ex didn't want her around me.

He spent our first Thanksgiving with his ex and their daughter and I wasn't invited. He made these plans behind my back and when I complained about it, he cursed me out and hung up the phone on me. I bought Christmas gifts for his daughter one year when he was broke. I also stayed up until the wee hours of the morning wrapping them by myself along with gifts I had for my son. I think Christmas is for the children and I didn’t want her not to have gifts from her father. As we got ready to go into NY and give them to her, he let me know that I wouldn’t be coming upstairs with him. He told me that I wasn’t welcome. He said, “That woman don’t want you in her house.”

Since I was not welcome, then I didn’t see the need for me to drive into NY from my apartment in NJ. But it was getting late into the evening and his mother had already called him cursing him out and saying that she would attack me if she ever got near me, because she believed that I was keeping him from his daughter. She didn’t know that he was getting high most of the day and sleeping off and on. So he needed me to drive him into the city so that he could get there fast. I was upset and crying after being yelled at and told I wasn’t welcome after doing what I felt was a kind gesture on my part.

But I responded like most abuse victims do. I pleased my abuser and did what he wanted me to do, confused within myself as to why I couldn’t just say no. When we got there, I guess he sensed that I might leave while he was upstairs, and I had it in my mind to do just that. So again he pleaded with me not to leave. And although I tossed the idea around while he was up in the apartment with his ex playing Santa with the gifts I bought, I obediently stayed and waited, feeling like a fool the entire time.

He took the Christmas presents that I bought and wrapped for his daughter when I was working and he was broke, to their apartment alone because he said that I wasn't welcome inside.

But apparently my gifts were...

A Tale of An Ugly Abusive Violent Man

My husband is a violent, yet cowardly man, that has committed felony criminal

and terroristic acts in his own home, against his wife and children.

He has no shame, guilt, or remorse for terrifying and hurting his family.

Another black man destroying his vulnerable and fragile black family.

He'd smile to everyone else and his favorite words were, "Peace, blessings."

But his children and I knew him very differently.

To us he was an abusive, violent, sneaky, lying, unfaithful, mean, nasty,

whoremongering, manipulative, and ugly man, inside and out.

He is a poor excuse for a man, husband and father.

Unfortunately I married him and gave birth to 4 of his children.

He is completely devoid of love and uses people as a means to his own ends.
There are really only three things that he loves: money, sex, and weed.
He has spent his entire adult life pursuing and gratifying his insatiable desire for all three.

He was incapable of loving his wife and children. He hurts the people that love him and are the most vulnerable to him. He abandons the ones he brings into this world
and is supposed to protect from the cruelty of it.

He is doing to his beautiful children, what his father,
the one he doesn't know, did to him.

Our newborn baby, his third son - will not know him, which is actually a blessing.
He won't get the opportunity to hurt him or traumatize him.
He treats him as if he doesn't even exist, which is just fine.

He is one of those sorry people who can't break the cycle of destruction and
choose to perpetuate it for another generation.

He got extremely lucky the day he met me and I gave him the time of day.
I was a hurting young woman carrying a lot of pain inside;
it made me easy prey for him.

I may not be the most beautiful woman in the world, but I was way too beautiful for him. Being with me was a dream come true for him and a long terrible nightmare for me. It would be so easy to hate him,
I have so many reasons to and he is sooooo hateable.

But I choose not to for one reason only – my relationship with God.

I suffered a lot of things from my husband over the years we were together.
I was subjected to every kind of abuse there is,
but God kept me and I have survived it all.

I am still damaged from the trauma of war,
but God will heal me everywhere I've been wounded.

Over the next few posts, I will talk about the various forms of abuse that he inflicted on me almost day in and day out for almost 11 years, when he never deserved to be with me for 1 second.

So stick with me, don't get mad at me and please forgive me,
but I'm going to tell the truth and sometimes the truth is ugly.

The Decision's in the Mail

It's finally over. After six months, the fifth and final appearance for child and spousal support took place on October 28, 2009. I was on the phone down here and deadbeat was in court in Queens. As usual most of the time was spent with the judge yelling at him for again not having what she asked him to have.

Again he claims to not have made any money since January of this year, yet he showed business expenses of $25,000 in March. Of course she wanted to know how he could possibly pay out those kinds of expenses with no income. He hemmed and hawed and tried to tell her it was the economy and yada yada yada.

She asked him how I was supposed to take care of 4 children on $500 a month. He offered his pathetic, "I love my children," line again - as if love can substitute for money when it comes to their needs. She told him that the children were suffering. She told him that his share for the kids alone should be $1,500 a month.

She kept asking and he kept trying to explain, sounding absolutely foolish. At one point she said that she should have his business records subpoenaed. I wasn't happy to hear that because I just wanted this to end already. He was sounding like he was on the verge of crying and repeatedly told her that he had nothing else to show her.

She asked me if I knew how much he made and I told her that I did not. Part of his abuse toward me was financial and therefore he kept anything having to deal with money a secret from me. I told her that he told me he made $5,000 per trip to Moscow, but that I didn't believe that, I believed it was more. I had sent her a thick package the week before the appearance that contained as much relevant information as I could come up with.

She wanted to know how he got paid, how was he living if he had no income. He told her that he is guaranteed a salary of $25,000 a year through his business and that he gets $2,000 a month. Well after this went on for about 25 minutes, with her asking him for this and that and him telling her he had nothing else to show her, she said that if he had nothing else, then there was no need to come back and we were done, he could leave. She would make her decision and send it to us in the mail.

In the letter that I sent him back in July in which I tried to settle things, I asked him for $2,000 a month in support, which I felt was a bargain for a family of five. So we'll see what the judge's decision will be shortly. I know she wasn't happy with him and wasn't buying his nonsense.

On another note, at one point when she said that I had four children to take care of, he said, "WE have four children." So I guess that's his lame way of now acknowledging Emmanuel in the same court where he denied him weeks ago. What a sad, sorry, little man.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

In all the years that I was with my husband, almost 11 in total, I can't think of a time when I felt respected by him. My children had a visit with their father this past Saturday October 24th, and for the first time in 11 years, I felt he showed me respect. It may seem like, "Okay, so what?" But if you don't understand what it feels like to never be respected by someone, you don't know how amazing it feels when they do.

It may also seem like no big deal in which that respect came, but again, it was a big deal to me. The Sunday that my son was admitted to the hospital which was October 11th, his father came down for a planned visit with the kids. At first I just thought that my son would be checked out at the hospital and that we'd be out of there in an hour or so and that maybe he wouldn't run around and play with everyone else. But since it turned out he was admitted, the visit then became a hospital one.

I mentioned in a previous post that for the first visit with the kids he showed up with his mother. I was cool, went along with it and didn't give any attitude about it, but I didn't expect his visits with the kids to include others, especially in the beginning. So I expressed to him after the visit that I would like if he could just let it be him and the kids for a little while. There's a lot of repair that needs to take place between him and them and they are confused enough about him, let alone throwing in other people from his side of the family right away.

Their grandmother made no attempt whatsoever to contact the children since we left. We even contacted her once while we were in shelter and got her voice mail, and she never returned the call. She never called to see if they were okay and never called to say hi or wish any of them a happy birthday. So this is not someone that I felt my kids needed to be around right away.

I am protecting them from toxic people, and I don't care who the person is or what their relationship to them is. If they don't love or even like my kids, they aren't going to be around them, period. She cut them off and kicked them to the curb right along with me. If she can cut off her love from them so easily, then that's toxic in my book.

I also didn't want him to show up with his daughter from his previous relationship. She is 20 years old and she has never accepted our children. When he first told her that we were pregnant with Justina when she was 13 years old, she was not happy and went home crying to her mother and she called him about it. Mind you, he hadn't been in a relationship with her mother for at least 5 years at this point. Now I am sympathetic to and understand that kids suffer from the breakup of their parents for a long time, sometimes forever, and they all go through it in their own ways.

But she didn't accept and wasn't happy about our first, second or third child. A few weeks after we had Joshua, she basically wrote her father a Dear John letter, that he never let me see, he hid it and didn't even tell me about it until about 2 months later when I inquired as to why she didn't show up for Solomon's birthday. He had already talked about it with his friends and mother. I was only his wife, I guess I wasn't on the need to know list.

From what he told me her letter said, she felt abandoned by him and he had a new family now and she didn't want anything to do with him or us anymore. He wouldn't tell me what she said about me, but I'm sure it wasn't pretty. Her mother never accepted me and was disrespectful and mean to me from day one and taught her daughter to be the same way.

Although she was their big sister and had a bit of a relationship with Justina and Solomon, like their grandmother did, she cut them off when she cut me and him off. They didn't hear from her in over a year or so, and when they finally did, it was because he was on the phone talking to her and put the kids on the phone to say hi to her. He always delivered them to her after that, she never came around to see them anymore, and I didn't appreciate that. Because again, if you don't love or like my children, then don't be around them.

NO MORE TOXIC PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES.

Anyhow, after I had expressed to him that I would like if he could come alone for the visits for now, he got an attitude and accused me of trying to exert "power and control," he loves that word combo. I told him that it had nothing to do with that, that it was about the kids and him right now. Well, he ignored me and showed up for the second visit with his mother AND his niece.

He was going to show me who was in charge. Not only would he bring his mother again, he'd bring someone else too. So you can probably see how this was going to turn out. It would be a circus. He would bring more and more people and feel smug that I just had to sit there and take it. He would disrespect me and my wishes and enjoy every minute of it.

So it was time for me to nip this in the bud before it got out of hand. I reminded Jeff that I had sole legal custody of the children and in case he didn't know what that meant, it meant that I made the calls about everything concerning their lives. No one shared that authority with me, not the courts and not him. I could say who they could be around and who they could not. I told him that if he would like to keep disrespecting me, that he could show up at the next visit with a whole carload of people, but that he would not like what was going to happen.

Being the type of guy he is and always has been with me, I was expecting to see his mother again when he pulled up, and I was fully prepared to follow through on what I intended to do if he did. Well, to my pleasant surprise, he was alone this time. It was like a miracle. Jeff had showed me the respect I was due as the mother of his children for the first time ever!

And remember those sunglasses that he always wore for the entire time he visited with the kids? Well he wasn't wearing those either! I had told him in the email in which I talked about the visits, that if he wanted to keep playing mystery dad with the kids, that was his choice, but that it didn't seem like a wise way to build closeness, it really created more distance. The kids were so used to seeing him wear them, that they told me Solomon asked him where his glasses were. I guess he wised up.

I remember being about 4 or 5 months pregnant with Justina, our first child. Jeff and I were homeless, staying in one of those hostels in NY. His ex had called about 11:30pm while we were in bed and there was no emergency. She just used her position as the "mother of his child" to call and chit chat with him at an hour that would be disrespectful to his current partner.

When he finally got off the phone with her about 20-30 minutes later, I said to him that since there was no emergency that he should've let her know that it was too late to call, that he was in bed and that she could talk to him in the morning. Well what did I say that for? He proceeded to tell me, so what it wasn't an emergency? She was the mother of his child and she could call whenever she felt like it. When I tried to tell him that it was disrespectful to me and he was showing her that it was alright to disrespect me by engaging her, he just got angrier and yelled more.

He ended up hitting me and again fought with me - his pregnant soon to be "mother of his child," over the rights of a woman he was no longer in a relationship with, but whom he respected more than he would ever respect me, regardless of the fact that I became the "mother of his child" 4 times. That was emotionally one of the more painful fights I remember. There were so many of them I can't recall all the triggers for them, but I remember that one because I was pregnant and it was over "her." I got hit and hurt because I said something about her and what she shouldn't be doing.

So even if he did it out of fear of what I might do if he showed up with his mother again, doesn't matter to me. This man showed me respect for the first time and it was a nice feeling. There's a heaviness that is lifted and there's no trouble or tension when there's no disrespect. All I had known in my relationship with him was that heaviness, that tension and nervous feeling that something could happen at any moment because of the lack of respect for me as a woman, his wife, the mother of his children, a human being, and a child of God.

Again, it's sad that for him to show it, there had to be a consequence for doing things his way hanging over his head. Why can’t he just do it on his own to do the right thing by me? But whatever, he did it and it was good for me.

I wonder what it was like for him?

Spousal ~ Child Support Round 5

Whew! It has been a very exhausting month. The kids and I are finally starting to feel better after a month of the flu, high fevers and a sinus infection for which I am still taking antibiotics.


Getting right back to business, we have our fifth and I pray final appearance before the support magistrate this Wednesday October 28th. I won't be driving up to NY for this one; I'll be down here on the phone again. I don't even care about hearing everything. Usually it's just Jeff appearing with some nonsense that the judge yells at him for while I sit there silently.
The last time we were in court the judge told me that I could fax any information that I had for her to the number on the paperwork. I had to send a package. I had too much stuff to fax. I don't know if it will help or not, nothing can really prove how much he makes because it's under the table, but I hoped to at least show how he spends and what some of the needs and expenses are for me and the kids. If nothing else, it is my opportunity to have my say in this case that's been going on since June.

My husband had called me a few times and actually tried to convince me that I should sign some sort of support deal with him outside of this and drop this case. He tried to tell me how it would be more beneficial for both of us that way. According to him, I could get more money upfront if I dealt with him rather than waiting for the child support system to dole it out to me in pieces. And if he were to get locked up for nonpayment, then I wouldn't get anything because he would be unable to make money.

Pause and think about that for a second. After all that has happened, does he still think I'm stupid? He used to call me dumb, stupid and idiot, those were the more decent names he called me. But he must've really believed it when he said it and wasn't just saying it only to be mean, hurtful and abusive.

I didn't even need a half a second to see how ridiculous his proposal was on so many levels. Number one, he is a liar and I would never make a deal with a liar. Number two, if I made a deal with him in which he is swearing he would pay me, how is that any different from him giving the money to the support collection unit? Why would he end up in jail for not paying me if his intention is to pay me?

Number three, I'd have no recourse if he didn't pay me. Oh, but I would according to him. My recourse would be to file for the support in court all over again. Was he smoking crack? After 6 months of this, I'm supposed to drop it with only days to go, to enter into some "legal" deal with him in which we sign some papers saying he's going to pay me, and when he doesn't, I'm supposed to drive back up to NY and file for support all over again and take it from the top?

LOL!!! That was hilarious. I told him thanks, but I was fine with things the way they were and had no desire to do anything different at this point in time. I reminded him that I tried to work things out with him regarding everything back in July to no avail. He's just afraid the judge is going to put him in a work program, which would be like worse than hell for someone like him.

I don't know what God plans to do as far as this goes, but there ain't a thing I can do about it, it's all completely in His hands, just as everything else has been thus far. And I think God's been doing a pretty good job so far with all this legal crap that Jeff started. The score is Tee - 2, Jeff - 0. God knows what we need, He knows when we need it, He knows what we need it for and He knows exactly every way in which he intends to provide it. I just have to keep trusting, believing and standing.

As I said before, I'm living my life as if Jeff will never provide anything for us. That way, anything that comes is just extra. I'm believing God to lead me to the job that I should have as I search for one. It is literally like finding a needle in a haystack out here, so I absolutely need His help on this. I don't know how, I don't know why and I don't know when things will change for us. But at least I can say I know Who will change them.

Well only two days to go for the hearing now, I'll let you know what happens...

Can't Teach An Old Dog

I thought that perhaps based on the tiny interaction that I had with my husband when he came for the visit with the children, that maybe he had come to some realizations and made a change for the better. Someone that he has been working with expressed to me that he believed he was in a better place after learning some things.

All I can say is that unless someone has a change of heart, there will be no change of nature or character.

I decided to test the waters to see if he had indeed changed at all. I initiated some emails between us and based on the things that I touched on, his responses to it would reveal to me what was going on behind the sunglasses.

Well let's just say that a leopard really doesn't change it's spots. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. Once a liar always a liar. Add whatever proverb that talks about people remaining the same ad infinitum. They all apply to him.

His responses clearly let me know that he is still in the same sad place. He still accuses me of being angry, even though my emails to him have the same tone that I write these blogs in. He accuses me of wanting to exercise power and control over him. He accuses me of manipulating the children and the court system against him.

He throws out there that I can go to the court and tell them that he's a good daddy, so that he can have unsupervised visits and sleepovers with the children immediately, because he says he has never harmed them. He still doesn't realize the incredible amount of trauma his children have suffered because of him. He must think that all 6 year old girls want to kill their fathers! He must think that it's normal for kids to be in therapy because of their home life.

He continues to lie to me about things I supposedly said or did, telling me that I was refusing to take money from him that he was trying to give me, that I was telling him I didn't want any support from him and wouldn't cash checks he was giving me. He gave me one check for $500 back in January. I cashed it in January and used it. So I don't know what he's talking about or what's the point in him making up these things. It's so much easier to deal with the truth. He's truly pathological and disturbed. But it doesn't make me angry, I feel so sorry for him. He is pitiful.

This is a man that sees nothing wrong with hitting a pregnant woman. How low can you go? Most people see pregnant women as delicate and should be treated with care. Well, I guess no one told him that. He fought me through all four of my pregnancies with his children, whether early, mid or late term. He fought me 2 days after I gave birth to our 3rd child and began hitting me in the head repeatedly as I sat in the rocking chair nursing our newborn. He never gave me a moment of peace, unless he was high. Weed was like his medication. I was afraid when it ran out.

Here are a couple of direct quotes from him in these recent email exchanges (words of Jeff in blue):

"The fact of the matter is we can agree we were in a bad marriage and it needed to stop."
LOL! Again, he doesn't see his abuse as the reason why things were bad. We were just in this "bad marriage," for no real reason. I guess in his mind there are good marriages in which abuse takes place. I guess those are the ones in which the women take their beatings quietly.

"We both want nothing to do with abusive behavior or a dysfunctional relationship of any kind in our lives anymore, and we have achieved the foundation for that reality in the choices we have made."
LOL! He has the audacity to say that he wants nothing to do with an abusive relationship in his life anymore, but yet he was the one creating the abuse. WE achieved that foundation by the choices we made? Uh, I think my leaving the abuse made the choice. If I didn't leave he probably would have fought me yesterday, be having a fight with me today, and starting a fight tomorrow.

"We tried on our own and that didn't work. We tried counseling that didn't work."
LOL! There's that "we" word again. We didn't try anything. I went to counseling and support groups on my own. Toward the end we were attending "marriage counseling" sessions at the church, but he'd sometimes fight me right after those. We didn't need marriage counseling, he needed batterers counseling all by himself. He didn't try to change that behavior, he just wanted me to stop being mad about it. That's what didn't work.

"As it is said, there are three sides to every story, two accounts and the truth. You say I never loved you, I say I have, (two sides of the story). The truth is, I don't have to justify the true love I have had for you anymore than you need to justify your feelings of not being truly loved."
LOL! Clearly in his mind, you can love someone and abuse them at the same time. You can love your wife and fracture her rib. You can love your wife and fight her while she is carrying your child. You can love your wife and spit on her. You can love your wife and call her a b!t%h. So according to him, my side - that he didn't love me isn't true, and his side of saying that he did, isn't true either. He says the truth is, he doesn't have to justify the love he had for me.

"You knowingly have had all the power through out this, not the system. That's why you placed the restraining order on me against the children. You can still tell "the system" anytime that I am fit to have them spend weekends with me right now, and it would put an end to Solomon, Joshi and Stini spending limited public time with me immediately."
LOL! He says I have knowingly had the power through out this, not the system. Well, I don't know where he gets that from. He's the one that introduced the courts into our lives, but somehow he manages to keep forgetting that. He went and hired a lawyer and filed for custody of our kids against me. All I did was tell the truth. I had to say why my children and I were in shelter. It wasn't because I suddenly got tired of having a place to live and thought living in a shelter would be fun. We were in a place to be protected from him.

I had to get an order of protection so that he would stop harassing me. He called me 24 times on the day I was at the courthouse. I was told to go to the Safe Horizon office within the court and they would help me. They asked me what happened and I told them. They typed it up and sent me down to the courtroom with my petition. I never had one before, I thought it would instruct him to stop bothering me. But the judge felt based on what he had done to me and the children, that he should be ordered to stay away from all of us completely.

Now that it all didn't work out as he planned, then it was all part of my diabolical and ingenious plan to keep him away from his kids while I take over the world. Then he says I can let the system know that he is a nominee for father of the year and should have sleepovers with his kids right now. LOL!

Oy vey! Dealing with him is exasperating, but very funny at the same time. Funny in a head shaking sad way.

In any event, he expressed to me that because he has turned over a new leaf and was happy now, that perhaps we didn't have to go back to court again and I could work out the support with him. I didn't believe that when it was told to me, and know for a fact, it is an impossibility. Besides, why would I do that after we've come this far? That would be utter stupidity on my part to drop the petition now, with only 19 days to go. Four court appearances since I filed in April, this should really be the last one now.

He won't do the right thing unless he is ordered, then hopefully, he will be afraid to do the wrong thing. His word is not his bond. His word is worthless, because he has never kept it and is not an honorable man. So I will go on over to the Domestic Relations office today and put in my papers for electronic testimony. I'm not driving up to NY again for this. God will do whatever He has already decided to do, regardless of what nonsense Jeff shows up with this time.

I told him that I will continue to pray for his redemption, because he needs it, but also because it allows God to continue to heal me. There is an exchange that takes place when we pray for our enemies and those who hurt us. We give God our pain and He gives us comfort, joy, and peace. That's why, when we feel good in spite of things being done to us that are bad, it surpasses all natural understanding.

He is supposed to start his Domestic Violence course on Monday. It's ironic and appropriate because October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. I just hope that he gets some truth and understanding out of this class from the standpoint of the victims. Most men aren't in these classes voluntarily, so there is no real desire to change. They are there because they are ordered by the court and will usually just go along and play the game, often becoming better at lying and manipulating others. He definitely fits the profile of one that would become a better batterer.

But as I said before, he's in God's hands. All I can do is pray for him, because he will go back and forth with me until the end of time, trying to convince me of how wrong I was to behave angrily toward him. He doesn't care at all that his abuse caused me to have low self-esteem, feel sad, numb, dumb, helpless, hopeless, afraid, despair, and depressed. Why? Because those things don't help make me out to be his abuser, they make me his victim.

All the talking in the world will just go over his head, because he is completely blind and in total darkness. As the devil is a liar, there is no truth to be found in him either.

When we lay down with the devil, we wake up with evil.

Gotta Say It Was a Good Day

So Saturday my children, my husband and I took the first step on a long road to rebuilding their tattered and torn relationship with him. And it turned out to be a surprisingly nice day. The weather was perfect, so that added to the sunny feeling. I was anxious while getting ready because I hadn't seen my husband outside of court since February 5th, the night he was served with my order of protection, and we argued before I went over to the precinct. Since that time we hadn't spoken at all and when I would see him in court, I didn't get any positive energy from him.

He had texted me to say that he was about an hour behind schedule, which was fine because I was running late and beginning to feel even more anxiety which was turning into a headache. After he called to let us know he had arrived, I got the kids in the van and we got there about 15 minutes later.

Being that I had never seen his new car, I didn't know which one was his, so we were looking for a blue car. I didn't see him sitting in any of the cars in the parking lot as I drove up, but as I parked I noticed his mother sitting in the passenger side of a blue Volvo station wagon. I wasn't happy to see her initially, because it felt like an ambush.

When I tried to tell his mother about his abusive behavior towards me about 2 years ago, after he started a huge argument with me on the first and only Mother's Day she ever spent with us, she didn't want to hear about it.

Since she hadn't tried to contact me or the children since we left her son, for their birthdays, to see if we were okay or anything, I felt that she must have believed his version of history - that I was abusing him and therefore considered me the "bad" wife. So I didn't know what to expect. I certainly thought his visits with the children were going to be just between him and them.

In any event, it turned out that she and I spent most of the time talking while he visited with the kids. We didn't talk talk, you know about the 800 lb. elephant in the room, but we talked about stuff and again it was surprisingly not too awkward.

After my husband walked out into the parking lot from the fun center, they got some things out of the car and came over to greet us. They had quite a few bags of toys and clothing that had to be loaded into our trunk. Once that was done, instead of going straight into the fun center, my husband asked if we could go over to the adjacent park since it was such a beautiful day, to which of course I consented. He played with the kids and they played with him. He let them take turns "driving" his car around the parking lot. After a while the kids told him they wanted to go into the fun center.

Before we went, there was a moment when we were all seated at the same picnic table. To break the ice, I asked Solomon if he wanted to sing his remix of Michael Jackson's "You Are Not Alone?" To which his father replied, "Oh, he did. He rocked it." So I suggested Solomon do it again for his grandmother. So Solomon began to sing his special take on the song once more and his father began to play a beat on the table. It was a nice moment, we cheered for him when it was over. Then it was over to the fun center where they played some more. They were having a genuinely good time and I was very glad about that. Justina was even calling him dad and interacting the whole time.

At one point at the fun center, I was at a table with baby Emmanuel, Justina and his mother. He came over to the table and I asked him, "Would you like to hold your son?" He took Emmanuel and went over to the kids and played with them and Manny for a couple minutes, then sat down with him for a few more minutes. When Manny began to get upset, he handed him back over to me. He made no acknowledgement, but I know in his heart, when he looked in that baby's face, he could see his own face, except smaller, fatter and much cuter.

When it was almost time to go, Solomon got very upset and cried as he usually does when his visits with his father come to an end. He is a little boy who really misses having his father in his life on a daily basis and has a lot of pain there. He's the sensitive kid in the middle. Joshua is too young, wasn't as affected by the violence, and has a very happy nature and doesn't care either way. Justina was the oldest and was so affected, she wanted nothing to do with him. But Solomon was just the right age to be affected and yet still want to be with him.

He told me that he wanted to go home with his father just for a day. I told him that he would be able to do that soon, but not right now, because he has to be back in school on Monday. He understood, but he was still sad. His father took him aside and talked to him for a little while and he calmed down some more. Then my husband came over and told me that if he's really upset and freaking out, to just let him call him.

When it finally came time for the visit to end, instead of only 3 hours, they had spent about 4 & 1/2 hours together. Their father thanked me, he smiled and talked to Manny and said goodbye to him and the kids. His mom and I hugged, and the kids left happy while playing with some of the new toys they had received.

It was a nice time, nothing to complain about. The one thing that would make it better would be for my husband to take off his sunglasses in the future. He had them on the entire time whether indoors or out and to me that's a strange way to visit with your kids. There are no paparazzi following him around, so no need for the incognito tip.

Justina said she asked him, "Why do you have your sunglasses on?" She said he told her that he didn't have anywhere to put them. ??? How about leave them in the car? I hope at some point he will realize that it's weird and inappropriate to keep them on while spending time with his kids and take them off so that they can really have a visit with all of him and be able to look into his eyes when he tells them that he loves them.

But all in all, I have to say it was a good day and a great first step toward salvaging and mending what we can of the children's broken relationship with their father, their broken lives and their broken hearts.

(The photo of the children with their father was taken at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden on April 10, 2008.)

Daddy Claus Is Coming To Town

Well at about noon today, my children and I will head over to a family fun center where they will have their first supervised visit with their father since July 27th. Unlike the other supervised visits, this one will occur down here in PA instead of NY and there won't be anyone there who is a part of the "system." This visit will be supervised by me, so it will almost be like any other time in our past when we've taken them to Chuck E. Cheese or some place else.

The differences today and from now on will be the lack of interaction between their father and me and I will be carrying an order of protection. Hopefully that will ensure that on this family outing, there will be no arguing, as it was so common on outings in the past.

I'll sit off in one location and when he sits with them in between playing, it will be in another. The kids haven't been around us together since we left home in January, I hope this won't be too difficult for them. It will be strange for all of us, but I believe we'll get through it.

I asked the kids if they are excited to see their dad and I got mixed responses. Justina says, "No," Solomon says, "Not really, I'm a little scared," and Joshua with his customary ear to ear smile says, "Yes!" I try to calm their fears and reassure them that everything will be alright. That nothing bad will happen because we are in a public place and daddy doesn't want to get in trouble. I tell them that he is coming to see them so that they can have fun and he's not going to mess that up. I hope that I'm right.

We prayed over the visit the past few nights and we prayed again last night. Although for some batterers an order of protection means nothing and the thirst for revenge or desire to punish their former abusee for leaving them is worth going to jail for in their minds, I don't think my husband fits into that category.  I think he loves himself, his life and his freedom too much to violate it by starting anything with me. But I can only say that is what I believe, it's not what I know. He has said and done things since this all started in an attempt to punish me that I wouldn't have thought he'd do. So you never really know someone completely, I guess.

I hope my husband focuses on the love he had for them and not the hate he has for me. His negative feelings towards me has caused him to act spitefully in ways that have hurt his children. So I hope he remembers that apart from me, that he did love these children at some time in his life. Again, at least I believe he did. But I used to believe he loved me too. Reality is often a hard pill to swallow.

I am trusting God on this and I guess that is where my belief is coming from more so than my husband's nature. I have entrusted this visit and all that occurs today into His hands and believe that all will go smoothly. And above all, I really want my kids to have a good time and a fun visit with their father.

I will let you know how it went...

This Is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

October is currently recognized as domestic violence awareness month. So many people lose their lives due to family violence that virtually all of us are or will be touched by it directly or indirectly at some point in time. It may be a friend, family member, classmate, neighbor, co-worker, or member of your church. You may know the victim or you may know the perpetrator. That's why it's important for people to become aware and educated about the various dynamics that are involved.

You may be in a position to help someone find their way out of an abusive life, the way a friend of mine helped me. You can carry hotline numbers in your cell phone and give them to someone who may need it. You may be in a position to talk to the batterer that you know and advise him to get help. You may be able to donate money, your time, clothing, food, toys, bedding, etc., to an organization that helps victims.

Maybe you can be that shoulder to cry on for someone that confides in you about their situation. If you are, do me a favor, don't ever ask them what did they do to make the person who abused them mad, don't ask them why do they stay. Don't make them feel in any way that they are at fault for what has been happening to them. What you can do is listen, let them know that they aren't alone and you will help them get out if they want to.

I lost a cousin to domestic violence many years ago. She had a violent boyfriend that used to beat her. Well one day this man shot her in the apartment they lived in with her 3 young children (ages 5, 3 & 18 mos.) - the 2 youngest were his daughter and son. He blew a hole in her with a sawed off shot gun and then left, leaving those terrified and traumatized babies alone with their dying mother. I can't imagine the fear and shock those children were in. It still makes me cry to think about what they went through.

The friend we are staying with also lost a friend to a violent husband. She was planning to leave him. She was doing it more methodically and was almost done with all she felt she needed to do before leaving. But it wasn't soon enough. Her husband shot and killed her, then killed himself, leaving their two young sons orphans.

Sometimes people forget that usually there are children in these homes where violence is occurring. These are the smallest and most innocent of victims. It is terrifying for children to witness adults fighting, let alone their parents. My children experienced it their entire lives and that breaks my heart much more than anything that was done to me.

When my daughter tells me that at times she was under her covers crying and trembling while hearing her father fighting me, it makes me cry. She was the only little girl in the house and this is her introduction to what a man is and how he treats women. I was supposed to be daddy's girl and she was supposed to be daddy's little girl. Yet we were nothing to him. During one of his violent episodes she and I huddled in the kitchen on the floor next to a window. He came over and dragged me across the floor, and as she clung to me screaming, he just dragged us both. This was about a week before Christmas.

I think of all the times when she was a baby and toddler before her brother was born. Then even after he was born, but still too young to be a companion to her. How frightening it had to be with no one to hide with while daddy hit mommy. My daughter said that she hates her father. I am trying to help her move past those feelings through forgiveness so that she can be free.

My little boys who may have been too young to clearly articulate it's affect on them, other than to say they were scared and it makes them sad, have also been deeply wounded. They naturally looked up to daddy as little boys are expected to. Daddy was supposed to show them how to treat women. But daddy didn't know himself and showed them the wrong way, so I guess I'll have to.

I'm saddened at the fact that my cousin, like so many other women, have lost their lives at the hands of stupid, angry and violent men. Women who didn't make it out in time or didn't know how to get out. I thank God that I had someone help me. Thank you Shei, I love you girl!!! You saved us!

So please take a minute to follow a link and read a little bit so that maybe you can be that lifeline to someone else one day.

http://www.safehorizon.org/ - This organization was the one I called after I was given the hotline number by a good friend. They offered to get me and the children into a safe and confidential location. It was in that moment in time that I decided I could actually leave my husband. We were in a secret shelter within 2 days. Having some place to go made the difference.

http://www.tplv.org/index - After leaving NY and coming to PA, I was told about this organization. They offered counseling and support groups for victims in addition to shelter. My children and I were able to continue the counseling we started in NY with some great people down here. Because the damage inflicted by domestic violence goes so much deeper than the physical wounds, being in counseling is so very important. Every person that has experienced DV should have someone to talk to that understands them.

http://www.stopfamilyviolence.org/ - This organization works to bring about social change in the area of domestic violence by giving a voice to those affected by family violence. They bring the much needed attention to these issues to the legislators and politicians on every level of government to bring about the changes that are so necessary. The website is full of tragic news stories that are sad examples of family violence to the extreme. People lose their lives everyday because of this, it's more prevalent than you can imagine and it's so under reported.

The following links deal with the effects domestic violence has on children.

http://www.acadv.org/children.html

http://www.letswrap.com/dvinfo/kids.htm

http://www.stopvaw.org/Effects_of_Domestic_Violence_on_Children.html

These links are to various organizations that provide information, resources, and help.

http://www.stopvaw.org/

http://endabuse.org/

http://www.ovw.usdoj.gov/

http://www.safeyouth.org/scripts/news/docs/month.asp

http://www.ndvh.org/2009/09/take-time-to-observe-domestic-violence-awareness-month/

http://www.domesticviolence.org/

Your Move Chessmaster

It's funny. When I had to bring the kids back and forth 6 hours round trip to New York and deliver them to my husband, it was all good. He acted like he missed them so much as his lawyer played the violin in court about how little he had seen his kids in the months since we left him. But now that everything is settled and the case is over, there is no word from him.

The settlement that was reached and agreed to by all parties stated that he could see his kids every Saturday for 3 hours. But I think what's holding him up from contacting me to arrange a visit with the kids is that I will be supervising them. He had no problem going to the ACS (Administration for Children's Services) office when they were supervising them. He had no problem going and actually paying a social worker to supervise the visits. Now mind you, the visits were only 1 hour with the social worker and ACS.

So having 2 extra hours with his sons and not having to pay anyone for them should be very appealing to him. But since September 10th, not a peep. It doesn't bother me because I really don't care if we never speak again, but I thought he was this heartbroken father that was desperate for his kids.

I got a phone call yesterday from a very nice gentleman that is with the agency my husband took his parenting skills course and where he will be attending his domestic violence series. He explained to me that my husband contacted them to get them involved in setting up and supervising the visits between him and his children. Being that the kids and I are in PA and they are in NY, they suggested he find an agency down here that could assist him with it.

Apparently, my husband gave this gentleman the impression that dealing with me would be problematic. Well, I had a nice long chat with this man and summed up the last 10 years of my life with my husband and the outcome of the recent petitions that were before the court. I explained to him that I am the one that suggested back in July that if he wanted to settle things with me, he could come see the kids three times a week during the summer and on Saturdays once school started if he wanted to and that I would bring them to a public place to do so.

I let him know that my husband agreed to this and signed this in court 2 weeks ago and raised no issue of there being a problem dealing with me, because the truth is I was never his problem. I was no threat to him and didn't disturb the peace in our lives, he did. I didn't like having to fight with him. I didn't like being scared and getting hurt. But I realize that depending on who he is talking to, he plays the persecuted and abused husband angle differently based on whatever agenda he has going on in his mind.

I also let him know that my husbad has always prided himself in his ability to be able to talk anyone into anything, out think and out strategize most people and considered that one of his most prized attributes. The other thing he needed to know was that he is a pathological liar.

After our conversation, I believe he now had more of a complete picture, one that made sense based on everything that is going on from what he can see. Like rape, abuse is about power and control. It's not about someone having an anger problem in and of itself, like rape isn't about someone being so horny or turned on by someone that they just have to have it right then and there. It's about exercising power over someone, and my husband made it clear that is they way he saw things. He was the king and controlled his little kingdom with fear and aggression.

So I believe that he'd rather go to another organization and have a stranger supervise visits between him and his children because he lost the power and control over the situation with me. For him to have to be supervised by me during his visits would be more painful than walking across hot coals. To him, I would be in the position of authority over him. What he can't comprehend is that I don't live my life that way and don't feel like the boss of anyone (other than the kids, lol). In addition to that, I believe he knows that he can fool people who don't know him better than he can fool me and I can see through the show he usually puts on.

It's not a big deal to me, I wouldn't be coming to gloat. I would simply bring the kids at the time and place we agree to meet, find somewhere to sit at a distance and just wait quietly until the visit is over. I will have the baby with me, you know, his other son that he is not claiming, and be occupied with taking care of him. It's funny, during one of those court moments, he asked to be able to spend time with the newborn when he is born. But I guess that was before the money thing.

Anyway, seeing that I wasn't the horrible unreasonable monster that my husband keeps making me out to be to those that don't know any better, the man that I spoke to said that he would have Jeff contact me to set up the visits. The court didn't order another agency to supervise visits and I will not go along with that.

My kids don't need to meet yet another stranger that will sit next to them and watch their father's lips move as he talks and laughs loudly and acts overly excited with them. No one can see his eyes, those mirrors to his soul, because he keeps on his very dark sunglasses when he visits with his children. It's easier to lie with your mouth than with your eyes. He is a facade of himself to his own kids. How sad.

Maybe another reason he is hesitant to contact me is that he is ashamed of the things he has said and done in these past 8 months. Maybe he is afraid to face me alone, without hiding behind his lawyer. Perhaps he thinks I am angry and will try to get back at him somehow. Nothing could be further from the truth, I'm not a vindictive person. If someone doesn't like me, I just leave them alone. I don't waste energy in hating and being mad at them.

I know that I could never be in a relationship with him again because he is an abusive person. But if only he could see inside my heart where I still hold love for him. It's locked away, but it's there. If only he knew that if I had only 1 wish in this world that could be granted to me, I would use it on him. I would wish that he would be a changed man. One that is good, loves God and in turn loves his wife and children the way that he should. Then we could be a family again, but not the family we were before. A family residing in the kingdom of God where love, righteousness, peace, joy and true happiness abide. (Romans 14.7)

In this chess board that he has set up for us in which his opening game strategy was to be aggressive and attack, beating me as quickly and easily as he had in the few chess games I played with him over the years. It is clear that he didn't anticipate the moves that I would make and the middle game is not going as he had expected. Without any aggression or return fire, but by just telling the truth and trusting God, the game has turned around in my favor.

I use the word "game" for this analogy, but this is anything but a game. This is real life, with real pain and real victims and there's no fun or good humor involved. But for what it is, it's now his move and again his choice to decide in which way the end game will go.

Wonder Woman Gets Weary Too

Today was one of those days.

One of those days when
I am overwhelmed
And overcome by
Being over loaded
And over burdened
And over exhausted.
One of those days when
Wonder Woman's
Super strength and stamina
Is defeated by the little people.
One of those days when
The reality of loneliness
And manlessness
Reveals my humanness and
Exposes my secret softness,
Which I despise
Because it feels
Like weakness.
I guess I'm not invincible.
I guess all the pain's
Not yet all gone.
Doesn't matter.
The tears will come
I'll push through
And the tears will go.
I'll press on
No matter
What's going on
Inside.
Outside
I will be strong.




Hey, what can I say? Everyday it gets better. Some days it feels like it's worse. Some times I feel angry at the injustice. I attend the pity party the enemy throws for me as he whispers in my ear how devastated my life is. How I have been left "holding the bag." How no one will ever want me. How my life will never be fun again; just all work, all day, everyday, until I'm about 60.

Some days I don't wanna be Super Mom. Sometimes I just need a big strong hug and the closest I can get to that is cuddling up with my baby. My friend tells me that I have come out on top, even though at times it feels like there is no lower bottom.

I hear Joyce Meyer saying, "You can be pitiful or you can be powerful." I know which one I choose. So I will get up everyday whether I've had six hours of straight sleep or the usual three broken hours. I will do all I need to do and do it until I collapse every night, knowing that minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, I am getting closer to something. Closer to when it all makes sense, when all the pieces of the puzzle fit and the picture is revealed.

But for now, Super Mom is super tired. The baby is finally sleeping again in my arms. I'll lay him down and lay down with him and take my nap with Emmanuel.


Something Inside So Strong

A Sound Like Marching Feet

"When you hear a sound like marching feet in the tops of the balsam trees, attack! That will be the signal that the LORD is moving ahead of you to strike down the Philistines." (2 Samuel 5.24)

Okay...so last Thursday September 10, 2009, we had a court date for a trial to get final orders in the custody petition filed by my husband, the family offense petition (order of protection) filed by me, and the fake one filed by him. My husband filed for custody of our three children (at the time) on January 9, 2009, the morning after the children and I had been placed in a confidential domestic violence shelter. In his petition he claimed that I just woke up and decided go live in a shelter with the children and that I was keeping them from him. Mind you, it hadn't even been 24 hours yet, but I was keeping them from him.

In his petition he made no mention of the fact that we were in a secret shelter being hidden from him and the abuse he had been inflicting on me and the terror he was inflicting on his children. For the first few weeks we were in the shelter, he and I still communicated, but nothing had changed with him. He wasn't the least bit remorseful or slightly upset that he might lose his family. He would call and we would end up arguing. I was naturally angry with all that had happened, that he wouldn't apologize for anything and had the audacity to try and blame me for everything.

In one of his text messages, he said that I was, "unilaterally making decisions" that was taking our family on a certain course of no return. I tried in vain to explain to him that the only choice I was making was not to be abused any more and to save our children from being afraid and more traumatized than they already were. I told him that he had made the choice that determined the fate and destiny of our family, by choosing to be violent & abusive and choosing not to get help to put an end to it. I told him by making the choice to remain abusive, he left me with 2 choices: live with the abuse or live without him.

After more than 10 years of abuse, I chose to live without him. I had already tried the choice to live with the abuse and it wasn't working for me. It was destroying our children and me. So really, I was left with only one choice and it was to do what I had never done before, something that I'm sure he never thought I'd do and that was leave him. 

Many times over the years I went to stay at my dad's, grandma's, or sister's house to escape after one of his attacks. But I would be back the next morning or in a day or two after he called apologizing, confessing his love and promising it would never happen again. This time I had actually left, with no intention to return to that life.

In any event, while we were safely tucked away at the shelter, he'd call sometimes to speak to the kids. Sometimes he'd call in an attempt to convince me that I was doing something wrong or tried to make me see how I played a role in his abuse towards me or that in fact, I was the one that had been verbally and physically abusive to him when I defended myself! When he called and things got out of hand, I'd hang up on him, but he'd call right back. I'd hang up again and he'd call right back again. He'd easily call more than a dozen times in a row.

I actually found out that he'd filed for custody from my father, who he called in his attempt to badmouth me. This was after I had been operating in good faith and had taken the kids to see him on at least 3 occasions. He had never mentioned a word to me about this custody suit.  Maybe his plan was for me to not show up and win by default. I went to the courthouse and got a copy of the petition so I'd know when I was supposed to appear.

Well it just so happened that on the day I went to the court for the petition, he called 23 times harassing me. It was then that I decided to get an order of protection. I was directed to the Safe Horizons office located in the courthouse and told them my situation. They helped me file the petition and I was in the courtroom shortly after that. The judge granted me a temporary order of protection and advised me that I could file criminal charges against him as well, but I didn't go that route. I didn't want him in jail, even if perhaps that's exactly where he belonged. I just wanted him to leave me alone. That was February 5, 2009.

After numerous court appearances, including one in which he denied his kids the brand new beds we bought them, causing everyone in the court to pause in shock, the trial was on for Thursday Sept. 10th. Personally, I don't trust the legal system and don't feel comfortable trusting my life and future to people I don't know. They have their own issues, agendas and prejudices, that they bring to the table.

Over the summer while we were waiting to go back to court for trial, I thought I'd reach out to Jeff to see if he would be willing to settle things between on our own. I typed up a letter laying out my proposals and gave it to my lawyer to give to his. Please note the date on the letter is July 3, 2009. The date on the letter is significant because it is two months before we were to appear in court. A copy of the letter is at this link: Can We Settle This Please?

God is my single source of strength and through this trial I am learning more and more exactly what He means when he said, "My grace is sufficient for you: for My strength is made perfect in (your) weakness," (2 Corinthians 12.9).  I have been crying, praying and standing my way through this nightmare and have been held up supernaturally. There were so many, many days I wanted to give up, probably most days. My strength was gone and I just knew I couldn't go on one more day, but amazing things have happened for us that I absolutely could not have made happen on my own. That's how I know it was God, because I had absolutely nothing to do with it.

As I had on numerous other occasions, I had given this court battle over to the Lord. I go into detail in the post titled, "The Devil is a Liar." I had prayed and prayed on it, others were praying on it, I stood in faith and left it in God's hands. My own lawyer had even brought me to the point of tears as she was preparing me for the trial. She wasn't happy with many of my answers because they weren't legally "perfect" enough. When I couldn't remember exactly what was said or done, then it wasn't good enough. She didn't like the fact that my witnesses (my oldest son and mother) couldn't remember dates and times of every episode or were confused about some of the details.Who could remember every detail about every altercation that had occurred over the course of 10 years. They just kind of all blend together.

As I drove from PA to NY on the day of the trial,  I told my mom that I wasn't going to stress about it. Whatever is going to happen is already what God has decided to do about it and nothing is going to change that. That is one of the things that brings the peace that only God can give - knowing and trusting that if you have been faithful and your trust is in Him, He's got it all under control and nobody can alter the outcome. 

Going to court always gave me a nervous feeling. Seeing my husband was scary in and of itself, but seeing him act all happy & smug, fresh from the salon in a suit and shades, like R. Kelly & O.J. rolled into one, along with his expensive lawyer was somewhat intimidating. The waiting to be called, the grumpy judge, and just being in court period were causes for anxiety for me. That particular day was no different, I felt anxious, but I wasn't afraid. I just held on to my faith, and prayed over the whole courtroom - the lawyers, the clerks, the judge and my husband. I was confident that I was going to see God do His thing.

Everyone was checked in except for my husband's attorney, and when I saw him turn the corner, I knew it was showtime. Within maybe 5 minutes, my lawyer came over to me and said my husband's side wanted to know if I was willing to settle on the family offense petition and he would agree to 6 months on my order of protection. I said, "Sure, that's what I offered to him first." She went back and talked to them some more. When she came back, she said that he was willing to settle on the custody and give me sole legal custody. I said, "Ok. Good." Over the course of the next 2 hours, she came and went with tidbits of information and status updates on what he was agreeing to.

When it was all said and done and my husband finally signed his name to this legally binding agreement, I had gotten every single thing that I had wanted. Everything that I asked him to settle with me in my letter back in July, he settled with me on that day. Not one single thing had been modified. This all happened without a trial, without testifying, without witnesses.

It all happened without me having to say a word. Try and tell me that wasn't God!

It happened in spite of my husband being "irate" as my lawyer put it, about feeling like he was being backed into a corner. It happened in spite of his hired gun, who I believe advised him to agree to the terms. At one point, my lawyer said while they were in a room talking, Jeff's lawyer said, "I give up, I'm about to ask to be removed from this case!" I guess his client was getting on his nerves that bad.

It happened in spite of the judge and his temperament. When the case was first assigned to this judge, my lawyer told me that things might be difficult because this judge had a reputation as being mean and making some pretty harsh decisions that often went against the person who was in the right. He even yelled at me once during one of our appearances.

It happened in spite of my lawyer getting mad at me and telling me not to tell her how to do her job, that she was the legal professional. Even sarcastically telling me that if she needed to know something of a legal nature, she would call and ask me.

It happened in spite of the law guardian assigned to the kids threatening to take me to court when I put an end to the phone calls that were upsetting the kids and when I refused to continue to drive the kids up to New York for supervised visits due to the stress and strain from the pregnancy and the financial strain of the drive. 

In the end it didn't matter who the players were, what their positions were, what their titles or education was or what they were planning to say or do.

In the end it was God's call and everyone was going to do what God wanted them to do and He was working it all out for my good. "If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8.31)

My husband wanted to take my kids away from me in an attempt to hurt me. He didn't care about them. He didn't provide for them until ordered by a court. He refused to give them their beds to sleep in. He didn't care about his sick newborn. He didn't give any of them a gift for their birthday, in spite of promising to do so when he saw them.

All his evil plans and wicked schemes failed because God said, "Not so!"

I was granted sole legal and physical custody of my children. After having his visits with the children supervised by ACS, then a social worker - that he had to pay for, the next time he sees them, the visits will be supervised by me. He won't get unsupervised visits until he completes his domestic violence program - which is 6 months long. He withdrew his fake petition for an order of protection against me, he had to, it was all lies. My Father wasn't going to let that stand against me.

What is extra sad about all of this is, when the children and I were in the shelter in January, I asked my husband to get into a program and get help so that maybe in 6 months to a year we could reconcile. I asked him to get off drugs, not do the club thing - strip or otherwise, and not live with another woman or sleep around while we are separated. I told him that I was willing for him to see the kids every weekend while we were in shelter and then as often as he or the kids wanted when we returned home after he moved out, which was the original plan.That sounds reasonable, even generous by most people's standards.

His response to my requests was that I was trying to "exert power and control" over him! I told him he missed it completely. I didn't see things in terms of power and control as he did, those were his abusive lenses he was seeing through.  

It was about love. I only wanted him to do these things to finally prove that he loved me. I needed him to do something to show it and not just say it. I told him that it would've been his way to save his family. He refused.

Well, he ended up having to do it all anyway. How stupid. It cost him money, time and he will never get his family back. When we do things our way instead of God's, we lose. Now he is doing it because he is ordered to by a court. He wouldn't do it when it was requested by his wife for the sake of his children.  

He wouldn't do it for love.

The man who always considers himself the smartest guy in the room and a master strategist, miscalculated his steps. That's easy to do when your steps aren't ordered by God (Psalms 37.23). As my mother, sister and I gathered our things outside of the courtroom to leave, the waiting area was practically empty. I could see my husband sitting with his back to us staring out of the large windows. I felt genuinely sorry for him. I didn't have a reason to, but I felt compassion for him and wished that he had made different choices so that none of us had to experience the pain we are going through and he wouldn't have to experience the pain that is most certainly waiting for him. It is the harvest that is coming from all the seeds of pain he has sown. "Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap." (Galatians 6:7)

He may enjoy his freedom, money and lifestyle for a little while longer, but you can't escape harvest time forever. He may feel good for now, but one day it's going to hurt real bad. I prayed for him and asked God to use this time in his life, this time of loss, to help him come face to face with himself and turn his life around. He can't be a good father without being a good man, and he can't be a good man without having a good heart. I asked God to bless him with what God knows that he needs, even if all that is right now is, truth, understanding, and light.

The challenges and difficulties the kids and I face in rebuilding our lives are far from over. But the biggest battle, the one for my children has been fought and won. That is a huge load off and brings me a tremendous amount of peace. I won't have to stress about that anymore. I held my tongue, I held my peace, I held onto His word, and He held onto me.

And Moses said to the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which He will accomplish for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall see again no more forever. The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace." (Exodus 14.13 & 14)

God gave me the victory and I will continue to give Him all the honor & glory!