No Words Left to Say

  
Right now, I have no words left to say.
I have no way to articulate what I'm feeling and what I'm going through....but I'll try.












I'm tired....but that's not good enough to express how tired.
Fatigued, exhausted, weary, burnt out, beat, drained, & distressed,
weak, faint, vexed, overburdened, & depressed.









I'm mad....but that's not good enough to express how mad.
Angry, livid, furious, infuriated, & enraged,

hot, boiling, fiery, fuming, resentful, hateful,
irate, crabby, peeved, rancorous & deranged.


I'm lonely....but that's not good enough to express how lonely.
Abandoned, alone, deserted & forsaken

isolated, desolated, secluded, rejected, reclusive,
solitary, outcast, cast down, withdrawn & forlorn.

I'm sad....but that's not good enough to express how sad.
Unhappy, gloomy, heartbroken, dismal & heartsick,
melancholy, hurting, dark, gloomy, pitiful,
heavy hearted, dejected, lamentable & oppressed.


I'm lost....but that's not good enough to express how lost I feel I am.....
Confused, adrift, disoriented, gone, & astray,
wandering, vanished, devastated, annihilated, dissipated,

obliterated, eradicated, erased, wasted, vanquished, defeated....
I've strayed.


Can't find my way out
Can't find my way through



Tired of pushing against life
Tired of struggling to survive

Sick of the process
Sick of being a leftover
Worn out by the journey
Disappointed in my Creator

Don't wanna hold on
Don't wanna hang in
Don't wanna keep runnin'
Don't wanna be patient
Don't wanna get up
Don't wanna go over, under or through

I Know what I wanna do....
Stare out the window til the sun goes down
Sip through a straw til I don't hurt no more
I'm giving up
and giving in
Forget about what's right and do what I like
I wanna be me
I wanna do you


Oh, God

Dear Mama,
I'm looking up
where's my Father?

Can't see Him
Don't feel Him
His voice is silent....

I'm falling.....
faster
deeper....
redeem me
save me
Savior....
catch me if you want to
catch me if you can....
Will you break my fall
or just break me...?
You make the call.
I'm done talking.
I'm done praying.



There are no words left to say....
For now, stick a fork in me cause
I'm done.

Daddy, You Missed My Birthday, Again.

Dear Mr. Jeff Trotter, I have an award to present to you.....drums please, (you can give me a beat on that beautiful djembe I bought you).....I would like to present you with the award for being the "World's Worst Dad!"
(wait for applause).

As it states on the award, it is in recognition of your outstanding deadbeat parenting, which includes not seeing your kids for a year, not paying child support, not calling them in 17 months, including on their birthdays, Christmas, any other significant day, just regular days, and not doing a damn thing that matters in their lives in a positive way! BRAVO!!! You were always the BEST at what you do, and you have continued to shine!

Please take a bow.

I know you couldn't care less, but on April 13th, 2011, our son, Joshua turned 5 years old. The last time you even wished him a Happy Birthday was when he turned 2. You haven't called him or either of his siblings for any of their birthdays, in 2009, 2010, and so far, 2011. Not only have you not called, you didn't send a text, email, e-card, regular card, smoke signal, Morse code, or attempted any communication of any kind. It goes without saying that they didn't get gifts from you for anything. You know what else they didn't get for their birthdays? Their child support.

But you know something funny? On April 13, 2011, on your son's birthday, you sent Verizon $250, to keep your cell phone on. How much did you pay in child support in April? Oh, right, nothing! 

You told me when I saw you in court on March 29th, that you pay your cell phone bill instead of the child support because you have to keep the line of communication open with the kids. I had to remind you that you haven't used that open line since November 2009. Oh, but I bet I know who you are  keeping that line open for, booty calls, some as far away as Moscow. Yeah, I know about your young Russian girlfriend G. You love her and are going to marry her? That's nice and fine, but you may want to be divorced first....oh, I forgot, you told her you were. But she found out the truth, your girl looked for and found me. The internet is amazing!

To my sweet, forever smiling, Joshua, I'm so so sorry that your dad is a worthless deadbeat, that would rather pay his cell phone bill, than pay your child support so that I could have given you that birthday party at Bounce U that you wanted.

Now Jeff, I know telling the truth is difficult, if not impossible, for you. I am convinced you have an anti-social personality disorder (aka: a sociopath), so it's not your fault. You can't help it. Maybe it was being abandoned by your dad or maybe it was passed down to you in his DNA. Maybe it was growing up with a mom that was cold and distant who could tell her black male child he's nothing but a N!G&ER! Maybe you were raped by one of those Catholic priests in the schools you attended and you've suppressed it. Maybe its a little bit of all of it. Maybe it's none of it. Maybe you're just broken. I don't know and you probably won't ever know either. Here's a link to a site that helped me understand what you are, maybe it can help you too.

http://LoveFraud.com

http://LoveFraud.com/01_WhatsaSociopath/Key_Symptoms_Sociopath.html

You have ALL of the symptoms listed. I know, because I have known you for 13 years and lived with you for ten.

Here's the reality, its incurable. Sadly, you will be this way the rest of your life. You are incapable of love and only have shallow emotions. You lack empathy remorse or guilt. You are pathologically deceitful and extremely manipulative. You don't care about your kids because you can't. You don't care about what you did to me or to their lives, because you can't. You will continue to lie about everything in your life and what you did and what really happened, because that is how you are wired. I feel sorry for you.

You wear those sunglasses all the time because you know you have to hide your eyes. You can't let people look into them, otherwise they might see the horror - a cold lifeless gaze like that of a snake. Your eyes would give you away, and people would see what you are. You are a very scary person. I'm grateful that I escaped with my life, because you are totally capable of murder and could have killed me one day. Then you would have lied about what happened saying you were defending yourself from abusive me and manipulated our children into supporting your version of events.

So maybe I can make a deal with you in terms that speak to you. We both know you only keep interfering in our lives because you want to bother me. It has nothing to do with love for the children. I sacrifice every single day of my life for them. Every single day, everything I do is for my children. I work my fingers to the bone, I get 4-5 hours of sleep a night, and I have no social life outside of them. You do nothing, that ain't love.

Yeah, you can go ahead and laugh and gloat about the fact that I can't go partying and traveling the world doing drugs & having sex with anybody, like you can. I can't sleep until the afternoon and then get up and smoke a blunt, until I go hanging out at night. Yeah, you got your life to yourself and you have your freedom. Because of that, you think I am jealous of you. Ha! Nothing could be further from the truth. You are doing it as an empty lost soul. You love no one and no one loves you.

You are sad, and then one day you are going to die - alone. You will have nothing to show for your life but a trail of bloody, broken, wounded hearts. You will stand before the judgment seat of God and you will have to give an account for your life on that day. I do NOT want to be you! My children and grand children and great grandchildren will be by my side until the end of my days. I won't have enough room in my home to contain all the cards, gifts and handmade love I will receive from them. My heart will be full to overflowing from the joy and love they will have filled my life with.

So here's the deal I'd like to make you. Since you don't pay your child support and don't intend to, why don't you trade me the child support for you staying out of our lives forever? I'll withdraw the child support petition, ask them to cancel the order, if you will sign away your parental rights completely and agree to never file another asinine petition again. You will be completely free to continue doing what you've been doing for the last 2+ years, not seeing, calling or supporting, your kids. I am so sick & tired of you and the drama you bring.
I want nothing from you. I just want to live in peace with my children.

Think about it Jeff. To be free of child support for the next 17 years, just sign away your rights and walk away forever! All your money to do with as you please, without arrears and consequences building up against you. $2,500 a month for the next 10 years is: $300,000!!! That can buy you a lot of weed and a lot of hookers. Instead of just sneaking off to the red light district of Amsterdam for a day or two, doing drugs and hookers, like you did while we were together, you can go live there!

They don't need a Jeff-in-the Box, fake dad, that pops in and out of their lives every couple of years with cornbread and dollar store toys.

For the first time, do one right thing in your life. You don't want to see them, talk to them, support them?  Fine. Then please go away forever. They don't need you. 

Solomon said it best, he wants a dad, but he doesn't want a dad like YOU!

Now You Owe Us: $46,175

Okay, so I went to court in Queens again on March 29, 2011. Why? Because the despicable deadbeat wants to have the child support and the arrears he owes, REDUCED! It's almost unfathomable how a person that has not complied with a court order to the level of being in CRIMINAL NON-SUPPORT, can go to that court and say, "Yeah, you know that order that I'm not complying with, I want you to change it in a way that makes me happy."

So you know from my previous posts regarding the child support saga that in 5 appearances before the magistrate, my husband was unsuccessful in convincing the support magistrate that his business was a "not for profit," business and therefore he earned little to no income from it. It was all lies and the magistrate didn't buy it and neither did the judges on the appeal board from which he tried to have the magistrate overturned.

Okay, so Jeff said to himself, "To hell with the court, to hell with the order and to hell with my kids." So he has proceeded to live his life on his terms. He ignored the order, paying what he has felt like paying, which has ranged from $1,000 to $0, which is why he now owes $46,175.

But guess what deadbeat dad does have money for? To pay his lawyer. To pay his cell phone bill, and to cover his other "recreational" habits. *Cough cough*

What's his latest strategy to get out of supporting his 4 young kids? Unemployment. He claimed to me that although his record company and booking agency are doing well by all appearances, he is no longer a part of it. 

W Record Official Website

http://wrecord.ru.com/flash.htm 

After all, who wants to be a part of something successful? Duh! Then he had the audacity to accuse me of being jealous of him right after telling me he's out of business! LOL!!! He really needs to become a comedian, because the stuff that comes out of his mouth is beyond funny! He'd make a fortune in Vegas off of his courtroom routines.

I suggested that he get a JOB. But that is a dirty word to him. He said that he would make less money if he got a job. Come again? How do you make less than NOTHING? There he goes with that fuzzy math again. 

Scenario: I make $0 now. Then I get a job, even a low paying job, making let's say, $300 a week. I would be making less than what I make now - $0, see?

Oh, I really want to be him. An abusive, violent man, that destroyed his family, has abandoned all parental responsibilities toward his children, that no decent person could possibly respect. Yeah, right, sure.

Just like all abusive people do and say the same things, so do all deadbeats. If they got a job or a business, they try and hide the money or claim they make less than they do. When that doesn't work, they will quit their jobs, or go out of business or claim they did, to avoid taking care of their kids. What the hell is up with that?  Real men will take care of their children even if they had to get 2 or 3 jobs to do it.

He was giving advice to a young man that had just had his child support hearing. While he was telling me he's out of business, I told that young man that was standing there listening, "Don't take advice from him. He owes his kids $43,000. He'll have you going to jail." He laughed.

Anyway, the case was dismissed because he told the magistrate that he didn't expect me to be there because he didn't serve me and came unprepared. He didn't bring a single piece of his homemade, fabricated, papers to court, in spite of it being his petition. Every time I step into the courthouse, I practically have my entire file cabinet with me. You just never know what you are going to need or be asked to show and prove. Plus since you don't know whether or not the other party is going to come, you just always come prepared - period. At least intelligent people do. 

Oh, well. She told him he would have to file again and he skipped out merrily to immediately get on the petition line again. So I guess I will await the petition's return. In the meantime, the arrears will only get bigger. I don't know why he just won't take out a business loan to pay it or borrow money from one of his rich friends. Surely he has real friends, right?

I was surprised to learn that his passport has been revoked due to the huge amount of child support he owes. You know what he told the Domestic Relations Unit to try and get it back? He said that he needed to go to MOSCOW to have SURGERY! He gave them another one of his fabricated pieces of proof - a letter in all Russian. I guess the letter was from his Ukrainian brain surgeon. LOL!!! They told him, NO! I asked him about his surgery several times when I saw him. He just stared at me and didn't answer. LOL!!!

This man still stresses me out. I thought escaping would put an end to the misery he has caused me all these years. But he's like herpes. A effed up mess that you're stuck with for life because you gave somebody some a$$.  
I dream I was Jeannie - a bob of the head and *poof!*

I have been going through a lot lately because of him and what he's doing and not doing. It's been starting to get me down and I have been crying lately. But today I remembered something Joyce Meyer said, "Don't panic. This is only a test." I have to keep in mind that God has BIG plans for my life. I don't know what they are, but I sense them. So the enemy is fighting hard to take me down before I get there. He wants me to give up. He wants me to throw in the towel, curse God and die. 

But you know what? No matter how much it hurts, no matter how hard I cry, I will NEVER give up. Why? Because I can't. I've never been a quitter. I'm a survivor. I'm an overcomer. I am a daughter of the King. Another reason is, I'm simply curious. I want to know what's at the end waiting for me. I want to see what's over the rainbow. I also can't give the enemy the satisfaction of breaking me.

So I gotta keep going. I have to show my kids how to do this life thing. I gotta show them how to win even when it feels like you're losing. I gotta teach them how to believe God for themselves. And they're seeing it, they're learning. They may see me cry, but they see me dry my face and they see me go on and push through every day. They see me dead tired, but they don't see me lay down and they won't ever, ever see me give up!!!

International Women's Day

Today is the 100th Anniversary of International Women's Day. It is a national holiday in many countries. 

But no matter where you are in the world, you either are a woman or know one. Being a woman represents so many things. We are mothers, daughters, wives, leaders, teachers, fighters. 

This is a day that women on every continent can celebrate and embrace their sisterhood in unity.

Men may be physically stronger, but there is a strength that God put in women that no man could ever touch or understand. We bring forth life from our bodies.

We are survivors of all kinds of things. 

We survive rape.

We survive abuse.

We survive when he leaves.

We survive war and atrocities.

We survive homelessness.

We survive brokenness.

We raise our children on our own, when we have to.

We support them on next to nothing, if we have to.

We work while we go to school, if we have to.

We help each other get through heartbreak and heartache, when we have to.

We hurt.

We cry.

We love.

We forgive.

We keep our heads up.

We rise up.

We do what we gotta do.

We are the strength of our children.

We go on when the going is tough.

We hold on, we don't give up.

We keep it moving, we don't stop.

We worship.

We trust.

We believe.

We keep hope alive.

We are women. 

Sensitive.

Strong.

Beautiful.

I love  my sisters!

I celebrate you!

Celebrate and love yourself.

You are beautiful.

You are strong.

You are a WOMAN!!!

I Want a Dad

 

"It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father."
- Pope John XXIII"

 
This morning while we were getting ready for school and work, Solomon asked me, "Does a man ask a woman to marry him or does the woman ask the man?" I said, the man is supposed to ask the woman. I added that women can ask men, but I wouldn't ask a man, I want a man to ask me.

He then told me that he wanted me to marry someone cool. I laughed and said, "Okay....why are you saying all this?" He said, "Because I want a dad." My heart broke as I said, "But you already have a dad." He said, "Not a dad like that. I mean a real dad that lives with us."

Wow! What could I say to that? I knew exactly what he meant. He meant a dad that's there. A dad that's here. A dad that is a real part of his life. Not some guy that contributed half of his DNA, contributes next to nothing in support and is more of an urban legend than a reality. Dads that are strictly biological are as good as no dad at all.

All at once I understood two things:
1. He's healing, because he's thinking about a replacement for his absent father.
2. He's still hurting because he's thinking about a replacement for his absent father.

And yet again I was powerless to give him what he wants. I couldn't make his father do the right thing by us, and I can't find the perfect dad today.

I tried to explain to him that there's no 'daddy store,' where I can go and pick out a new dad. I also reminded him that I'm always either with them or at work and it's hard to meet someone that way. Now of course this entire conversation took place in the presence of  Justina and Joshua. So I let them all know that right now, its my job to take care of and raise them and I wanna do it right. I don't want to go out and look for men just so that there can be a man in the house. Most of them would be no good and I don't want to have any more bad men in our lives.
 

I will never again settle for a man that doesn't appeal to every part of me. He has to LOVE the Lord and have his own mature relationship with Him, no piggy backing and hiding behind mine. He has to be kind, patient and gentle. He has to be intelligent, hard working, drug free and non-smoker. I hate smoker's breath. He has to be a clean in whatever ways we expect people to be. I want him to be in good health. He has to be able to provide well for us financially. He should be established at this stage in his life and own his own. I don't wanna be with someone who's struggling to make ends meet. If he can barely take care of himself, how will he take care of a family of five? He will be no help to me and end up just taking from me.

And if there is a next time around, he HAS to be good looking too! I want a man that I find attractive on the inside and the OUTSIDE. I see a lot of good looking God loving men, and if I'm gonna have one, I want one of those! If I'm gonna be eye candy for him, I want him to be eye candy for me. Muscles that are hard and visible. Not like a weight lifter, but like a man who lifts weights. No skinnies and no fatties. Sorry, but that's my personal taste and preference. I want him to have a beautiful smile, nice teeth and a twinkle in his eyes. A dream guy! If I'm gonna dream, might as well include everything I want in it!

No more broke, busted, UGLY men! 

So it's all up to God. If that dream man does exist and God has already picked him out for us, then He will help him find us. I say, 'us' and not 'me,' because we are a package deal. Whoever wants to love me, has to love my children too. If it's not meant to be, then so be it. With God's help, I will continue to raise my children alone, as I've done through good times and bad, for the past two years. 

It won't be easy, but I know that I can do this because, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me the strength." Philippians 4.13

"Dismissed!"

Don't worry about the wicked. 

Don't envy those who do wrong. For like grass, they soon fade away. Like springtime flowers, they soon wither.  

Trust in the LORD and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart's desires.

  

Commit everything you do to the LORD. Trust him, and he will help you. He will make your innocence as clear as the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.  

Be still in the presence of the LORD, and wait patiently for him to act. Don't worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes. Stop your anger. Turn from your rage. Do not envy others -- it only leads to harm.  

For the wicked will be destroyed, but those who trust in the LORD will possess the land. 

In a little while, the wicked will disappear. Though you look for them, they will be gone.  

Those who are gentle and lowly will possess the land; they will live in prosperous security.  

The wicked plot against the godly; they snarl at them in defiance.  

But the Lord just laughs, for he sees their day of judgment coming.  

The wicked draw their swords and string their bows to kill the poor and the oppressed, to slaughter those who do right. But they will be stabbed through the heart with their own swords, and their bows will be broken.  (Psalm 37.1-15)

I LOVE the LORD! The more trials I face, the more I marvel at how God turns things around in my favor. The bible says, "If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8.31) I stand still in awe as He wins battles so flawlessly. With each victory He gives me, I have learned to do less and believe more. I worry less and pray more. I stress less and trust more. I say less and glorify more.

GOD is SO GOOD. Words aren't good enough to truly express the goodness of God. I can't believe how much He loves me, how much He has done for me and how much He wants to do for me. I feel so small and insignificant on this planet, but to God, I matter. I am important to Him and what goes on in my life concerns Him.

I just wanted to take a moment to give God glory because of who He is and all He does. Even the things I can't see and won't ever know.

Yet again, God gave me victory over the one who has chosen by his free will, to be an instrument of the enemy, against me. Drama has two faces, comedy and tragedy. What went on in court was a comical tragedy. When my husband spoke, he made no sense whatsoever. Even the judge had to ask him several times, "What are you talking about???" He stammered and stuttered, repeated himself and went in circles.

I just shook my head, almost laughing on the inside. I made eye contact with a couple of the court personnel that were up behind the bench with the judge and we had the same look on our faces, a smirk and a silent, "This is so ridiculous," as they shook their heads too.

The judge dealt with his petition in which he accused me of violating the court order regarding his visitation first. He stated in his petition that he had, "been denied visitation completely."  (Remember, he had stopped coming to see the children 8 months ago.) The judge began looking through all the hearings and orders from 2009 trying to figure out where to begin.

I told her that I could clarify things and quickly explained that visitation was being handled in Pennsylvania through Catholic Charities and I had the paperwork to show her. She took my evidence, looked through it, then looked up at him and said, "Sir, when did you plan on telling me about this case in Pennsylvania?" His sad attempt at an explanation for misleading the court, made sense to no one but him. She cut him off and said, "There was a hearing in PA, you appeared, she appeared, there was a ruling. This case is under PA jurisdiction."

He kept going around and around in his attempt to explain to her that PA shouldn't have been involved because the final order was from NY. I can never really repeat much of what he says verbatim, because it's so Mad Hatter, it's hard to follow without a script. In any event, she basically told him that it was in PA's hands and he has to take it up, down here.

Dismissed.

Next, his petition for a permanent order of protection, for which he was granted a temporary one on October 21, 2010. In his lie filled petition to be protected from me, he accused me of posting lies on the Internet about him (my blog) that amounted to libel, calling his business associates to slander his good name and "assassinate his character" (one of his favorite phrases), said I was homicidal, and that he was afraid of me. Go ahead, laugh! LOL!!! A man who spent a decade being violent and abusive to me, wants someone to believe he needs protection from me! Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Again, this was an easy one for the judge. She and I both understood why there was nothing wrong with my talking about my experience in my blog online or anywhere else for that matter. It's called the 1st Amendment; that bothersome part of the Constitution that irritates people who want to shut other people up and control them. I already knew that the truth is an absolute and obvious defense to both libel and slander. The judge had to inform him of that bit of reality.

He must have forgotten that our three oldest children witnessed all the abuse. He must have forgotten my oldest son, witnessed the abuse almost every time he came to visit. He must have forgotten that he told my mother he would never hit me again after she found out he fractured my rib. He must have forgotten the times I fled to my father's or sister's house with the children after an altercation. He must have forgotten that he admitted it to outsiders who I sought help from - like Rev. Clarke from Safe Horizons, an elder that we met with at Christian Cultural Center, Pastor Durso, Pastor Thomas & our marriage counselors, the Walkers, at Christ Tabernacle.

Another defense to libel is opinion. I had lived with and had known this man intimately for 11 years. Based on my direct interaction, knowledge and experience with him, I most definitely have certain opinions about his behavior and character and I'm entitled to express them.

In any event, when she reminded him of my right to free speech and to say what I want to whomever I want to say it, he asked her if she can order me to.......stop harassing him. She told him she can't order me to do anything.  She said, "If she were contacting YOU, if she were emailing YOU, if she was doing something directly to YOU, then I could deal with that." When I write or talk to others, that is not harassment toward him. As he kept trying to go on, she had to let him know that there are people in serious danger that come into that court seeking protection. People with broken bones, serious injuries and those in danger of death from the psychos in their lives. What he was doing was taking up the court's time with nonsense.

Dismissed.

So will he go back to his workshop and cook up another scheme to bother me? Maybe. You know what they say about an idle mind. She said that if he felt he had a case then it would be a civil matter, possibly criminal, or because of the Internet, maybe even federal. But at the end of the day, I had the right to say what I wanted to say. I was thinking to myself, "Good, Lord! Why in the world is she giving this guy any ideas?" Not because I'm worried, but because I am tired of being hassled by my former batterer. Leaving was supposed to be the end of him bothering me. 

Seriously....a federal case? Why? Because I talk about what he did to me? There's no spousal privilege or gag orders here. Criminal? Really? What would the charges be? Not keeping secrets anymore?  

Civil? HAHAHA! If the defaming statements are TRUE, then there's no injury to be compensated. And how can you try and sue someone for fake damages when in reality YOU OWE THEM $40,000? That one is the funniest of them all! 

 

He has no grounds on which to sue me or bring any kind of charges against me. He's starting to remind me of O.J. Someone who got away with murder, but just couldn't keep himself out of a courtroom, because he couldn't be cool. They think they're so smart, when they're actually.......just human versions of Wile E. Coyote......SUPER GENIUS.

Well, he can do what he wants. I trust in the Lord and He told me not to worry about evil people or fret about their wicked schemes. He said the wicked will be destroyed and in a little while disappear. One day I'll look around and all of this will be gone. All I have to do is continue to trust in the Lord and commit my ways to Him. The wicked plot against the godly, but the Lord laughs at them, because He knows their day of reckoning is coming. Judgment is on its way. I'm living my life to make God happy and I'm raising my children to trust and love Him. So if God is laughing, I can laugh too! And after I finish laughing, I will pray some more. I'll take turns laughing and praying!

Jesus told me to love my enemies and pray for those who persecute me. So I will be obedient and continue to show him the kind of love Jesus would, by not paying him evil for evil. I will love him by continuing to walk in forgiveness toward him, keeping my heart pure before the Lord. Praying is my pleasure and free gift of love for him. I hope one day he can be loosed from the bondage that he is in. He can't possibly feel good on the inside when he's manifesting so much bad on the outside. He has to be in pain, where it comes from, only God truly knows. And as Joyce Meyer says, "Hurting people, hurt people." I feel compassion for any human being that is in pain - even the person who caused me and my children so much. 

The visitation hearing that was scheduled for January 12th down in PA was canceled due to snow. I was hoping all of them would have been over by now, but I have to wait for a new date. I trust God with every little thing that concerns our lives and believe that we shall see victory again. I will keep you posted.

Thank you to my family and friends for your continued love and prayers. I love you. God bless.

Behold, I Will Do a New Thing

Happy New Year!!!
"Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43.18-19

God is SO GOOD and SO FAITHFUL!!! Hallelujah & Glory to Him!!! What a year 2010 was. It started out bitter, but it ended so sweet!

January 8, 2011 will mark the 2nd anniversary of the day my children and I walked out on a life of fear and pain and into a season of healing and freedom. Last Christmas we were in a shelter, but the kids had the best Christmas (gift wise) ever! This year we celebrated our 1st Christmas of not only freedom and healing, but in our new home as well, one of God's greatest gifts to us this past year.

This year there wasn't a sea of gifts to amaze their eyes, but there was the gift of life, peace and love that filled their hearts. My kids and I have always lived a simple life. We don't ask for much, we have learned to live with what we have ~ little and less; and appreciate what we get. I am so thankful for every little thing God does for us everyday and for all that He does through the good people He brings into our lives. I believe I am doing a good job of teaching my children not to be materialistic and to have thankful hearts. They know that they have a God and a mother that loves them very much.

My days are filled with hard work from my rising to my setting. Taking care of four children alone is no easy task, as any single mother knows, going out to work and coming home to more work. But somehow I make it through everyday. They go to school clean, they eat breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday, their homework is done, they are getting straight A's, they laugh & play, and they bring joy & smiles to those fortunate enough to encounter them.

I don't take any of that lightly and I give God 100% credit & honor for it. I couldn't do it without Him. It is His grace that carries me through each day. In the beginning of this new journey, I wasn't sure I'd make it. It was so hard, it felt like a weight crushing down on me, like my husband did all those years ago when he fractured my rib. It was hard to breathe and most days it was hard to catch my breath. A few times I thought I'd have a nervous breakdown, and a few times I thought that I'd breakdown and go back. But I didn't, God kept me and didn't let me fall. Now here we are, on the eve of two years abuse free, 730 difficult, yet amazing days!

We have spent this time in the University of Life, earning Masters degrees in faith and trusting God. He has been faithful and so good. Jesus promised us that in this life the trials and tribulations would keep coming. We weren't to be worried about them though, because He would help us to overcome them. So I don't worry, I pray and I keep it moving. We have overcome a lot, but the enemy keeps pressing in, so I have to keep pressing on and through.

As I may have mentioned before, this Friday, January 7th, 2011, will be the 6th anniversary of my marriage. My husband and I will be in the same room on Friday, but sadly it won't be to celebrate anything. We will be sitting in a courtroom in Queens Family Court to deal with the false petitions he has filed against me. I am not worried at all because I have the truth, God is an invincible army, and He's on my side. He doesn't fight for me because He loves me more than my husband, He loves us the same. He fights my battles because I am living my life for Him. I'm not perfect, but my heart is perfect towards Him. I make mistakes everyday, but I am obedient, I trust Him and cast my cares on Him.

I continue to leave my husband and any trouble he makes, to the Lord. There ain't a thing I can to about him or the things he does to me, but God can. And God will do what needs to be done that is in the best interest of all of us, including my husband. He needs help and God will help him if he wants to change, but that's between him and God. I pray that one day he will let God turn his life around for the redemption of his own humanity.

Two very strange anniversaries back to back....which one do I celebrate? How do I celebrate them? Lol....weird stuff. An anniversary for a marriage that is over and an anniversary for the walking out the door of an old life and into the door of a new life. I think the latter is the only one that makes sense to celebrate. Maybe I'll do something special with the kids without telling them why. Either way, I am happier and stronger than I've been in over a decade.

This is a new year, a new decade and I'm getting a sense of a very strong shift coming. I'm excited about what God has in store and will patiently watch God reveal all that He has already planned for us in this year. Daily asking for His guidance and direction, so I don't get out in front of Him or fall too far behind. I pray that you and your families have a prosperous New Year and that you seek God everyday and reach forward to the prize that He has put in front of you.

"Though the fig tree does not blossom and there is no fruit on the vines, [though] the product of the olive fails and the fields yield no food, though the flock is cut off from the fold and there are no cattle in the stalls,Yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will exult in the [victorious] God of my salvation! The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds' feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!" Habakkuk 3.17-19 Amplified Bible

We Wrestle Not Against Flesh & Blood

"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour."  ~ 1 Peter 5.8

  
The enemy is on the attack once again, using lies to get the court to unwittingly help him harass me.  

I have to go to court on January 7, 2011, which ironically will be our 6th wedding anniversary, to answer two summonses filed against me on October 21st, which are both false. My husband wants to use the court to shut me up. Somehow he found out about my blog and doesn't like the fact that I am talking about what he did to me in a public forum. Abusers thrive on secrecy since most of them don't show anyone outside of their home what they are really like, their scary side.

He is accusing me of libel and making threats against him in my blog posts. He said that I am lying about him and his family, (whoever that is - I thought we were his family), contacting his business associates trying to ruin his business, telling the courts I was hospitalized for being homicidal (yeah, laugh please), and is therefore afraid of me, and incredibly, got the court to give him a temporary order of protection against me! This is completely hilarious considering it was this same court that ordered him to go to batterer's school and had given me a 6 month order of protection from him.

And the rest is lies, lies and more lies.

In the other summons I got, he told the court that he "has been denied visitation completely," thereby making me look guilty of violating the court order for visitation.
Lies, lies and more lies.

This man stopped coming to see his kids 7 months ago. He has not tried to contact me by phone, email, letter, homing pigeon, smoke signals or message in a bottle, to ask to talk to or see the kids. I was happy, because I thought he was finally leaving us alone. I should never think that.

I am annoyed at the inconvenience this behavior causes me and the disruption to our lives and the lives of others that I will need to help me with the kids while I go spend another day in New York for this nonsense. But I'm not worried or afraid, because God is with me and will not let the enemy triumph over me. God can only be on the side of truth because He is Truth. He will never support a lying tongue or a false witness who pours out lies, as those are two of the seven things God hates. (Proverbs 6.17-18) God loves Jeff, but He hates that behavior.

I find it interesting that those who have no relationship with God, will sometimes question your relationship with Him and will try to call you out on what they believe you are supposed to be or do, because you say you're a Christian. The world is always watching us right? They want to see if our lives match up with what we profess. My mother in law called yesterday and spoke to the children and then to me. She asked me if I was a Christian. I said, "Yes, I am." I thought that was an odd start to the conversation, but immediately had a feeling about where she was going. She then said that as a Christian I'm supposed to forgive right?  I told her yes and jumped ahead and told her that I have forgiven Jeff for what he has done to me and our family. She then expressed that if I have, then might it be possible for Jeff to see the kids for Christmas?

It took about 20 minutes for me to explain to her that in spite of the fact that my heart is clean as far as Jeff is concerned, the way things are, are due to Jeff's choices and his involving the courts in our lives again. He has been telling her the same lies he is telling the courts and everyone else. He told her that I have not been allowing him to see the kids. He is painting a picture for her of me as an evil, vindictive, spiteful and hateful woman. No wonder she would then question my relationship with God. I'm sure he's acting like this loving dad that's hurting over not seeing his kids, so she thought she'd try and help. But he isn't seeing his kids because he doesn't want to.

I had to explain to her that although I've forgiven him and put him and whatever he chooses to do in God's hands, it doesn't mean that I should put myself in harm's way. Jeff keeps starting trouble and this latest round of court stuff is the proof, but she didn't get it. She didn't seem to grasp that because of the order of protection he now has on me, I can't even let the kids call him if I wanted to. All he has to do would be to take his phone to the police and show them my number, tell them I called him to harass him, then there would be a warrant out for me and I'd be arrested. It wouldn't matter to him that I did a kind gesture, he has no good intentions for me and I would be playing into whatever diabolical scheme he has hatched in his mind now. I'm not going to fall into any traps he sets.

She kept repeating that Christmas is about the kids and that perhaps they'd want to see their father. I let her  know that I agreed with her, it is for the kids, but their father is the one that removed himself from their lives. He has to want to see them. He hasn't called them in over a year and he hasn't come to see them for 7 months. I have nothing to do with that. It's not up to her, me or the kids to arrange reunions with Jeff. He is a 46 year old man, not a boy. We still pray for him and I truly hope that one day he will find redemption and true salvation. But the only thing I can do as far as the kids are concerned, is make sure that they don't grow up hating him or carrying any unresolved absentee father issues due to his abandonment .

Life is about relationships and I can't do anything about the quality of relationship Jeff has with his kids, that is up to him. It is not up to his kids to seek him out and it's not up to me to chase him down. He has to cultivate a good relationship with them if he wants it. If he chooses not to call them, see them or support them, he will see the fruit of that and can't blame me for it. He can be a good father or a bad one, his choice. So far the kind of father they have seem him be is, one that abused their mother and terrified them, one that lies to them right to their face, and one that has cut them off completely. He must think that showing up occasionally with cheap toys will maintain a strong bond and make them feel loved by him.

He will never get to the point of having a good relationship with them if he can't even be honest with others and most importantly himself. He still doesn't want to take responsibility for the devastation that he has caused for his family and the pain that he has spread to others, including his own mother who naturally misses her grandchildren. He took those sized 10 Adidas and crushed all our hearts.

It seemed hard for her to believe me and she still expressed disbelief about the abuse that I keep telling her happened, because she says she never saw it and the kids always looked happy to her. I tried to educate her in the handful of seconds I had, to the fact that, many abusive men can hold prestigious positions and be regarded as pillars of their communities and yet be nightmares for their families behind closed doors. That is how he was. The families learn to hide it. We smile and act regular around other people, we don't dare talk about it.

But she did get glimpses here and there, which I'm sure at the time she contributed to me being the evil woman with problems that he was making me out to be. I reminded her of a time when she came over one night to watch the kids for us so that we could go out with some friends. We ended up in a huge argument that she got involved in. I told her how he came into the bathroom while I was in the shower and started a fight. I asked her what did she think happened? While taking a shower I just decided to jump out, wrap a towel around myself and go start a fight with my husband? I told her how he came in and closed the door, started trouble with me and what she saw was when it spilled out of the bathroom.

But believe it or not, she still didn't seem sure of what to believe. She should be disgusted with him and confront him. But, denial is a powerful thing. It can blind you to the facts that are staring you in the face. If you don't want to see it, you won't.

Well, I can't do anything about that either, it is what it is and isn't what it isn't. And what it isn't, is my battle, it's God's. Jeff's family and friends can choose to believe whatever tall tales he wants to spin. If they believe that I abused him while he was lovingly working hard to support his family and then one day I just got tired of berating and knocking him around and thought I'd try my hand at homelessness for more than a year, while pregnant with three kids then four, just to make him look bad, then God bless 'em, they can go right ahead.

When I know the truth, and the kids know the truth and the Creator of heaven and earth knows the truth, then that's all I need, no one else matters. My family, my friends, my counselors and other women that I have met who have been through similar tragedies, know I am telling the truth and validate my experience, so I really don't care what anyone else chooses to believe.

Jeff can stay trapped in that world of lies that he has created and must maintain to keep up the facade that he has erected.
As for me, I know the truth, I live in the truth, I have the Truth and I am free. (John 8.32)

 "Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.  Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.  For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." 
Ephesians 6. 10-12