I Am

 

"I Am"  by Kirk Franklin

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One thing I love about Kirk Franklin's music, is that you can tell it comes from a person who has made a lot of mistakes and who fully appreciates the transformation God can make in our lives, if we are willing to remain on the Potter's wheel. He understands the struggles we face with sin, pain, and wounds from the past. He also understands the incredible love and mercy that can only come from a Savior and a God who chose to love us over condemning us.

I feel like his music tells my story, both the struggles and the victories. I am SO far from perfect and acknowledge it openly. I am still in the process, still on my journey, still on my way to who I will be. I am disappointed in myself when I mess up, because I don't want to break God's heart, I want Him to be proud of me. I know that I'd be in big trouble if not for His grace.

I'm so thankful He hasn't and will never give up on me. I am what I am.

Keeping Busy

It's hard to believe that I haven't posted anything since November of last year! Where is the time speeding off to? I have been extra busy since the beginning of the year being back in school, which definitely takes up a great deal of my writing mind space.

I'll briefly update you on what has happened since my last post....

The children and I passed the 3rd year anniversary of being abuse free on January 8, 2012. Hooray!!! It's hard to believe three years have passed already. Life is never easy, but it's good. Living without fear is something that I had forgotten about for so long. At times there's this feeling like everything that happened was a dream, in the sense that it is hard for me to find any connection in real life to it. It was actually a living nightmare when I went through it and I will never forget it in my mind,
but God has erased the memory from my soul.

My car was hit on January 4th, about five minutes after I returned home. I heard a loud bang outside and looked out the window to see that there was a car smashed into a car that was partially on the sidewalk. Once my brain processed that, the next thing it processed was, I had just parked behind the little white car on the sidewalk. So my eyes went past that car and on to my own, and I could see the hood was crumpled in. I raced outside and saw the driver of the vehicle that caused all the damage. I asked him, "What did you do?!!" He just said, "I'm so sorry, I lost control of the car." It was a four car accident, the driver's car hit a white car head on, that car hit mine, and my car hit the car behind me.

Well, my car had to be towed away and it was later deemed a total loss by both insurance companies. At the time of the accident, all I could think of was, how was I going to get to work, get the kids to all of their Y activities, and how was I going to get my oldest son, who was visiting for the holidays, back home? I was upset and kept thinking, why me? Of all the people on the block, why me?

Then, while I was standing there just analyzing everything and thinking, the Holy Spirit brought something to my attention. I had just returned from the supermarket with a car load of groceries. I had taken some in and stopped inside the house briefly to use the bathroom and say good morning to the kids, that's when I heard the crash. If I had gone straight back outside to get the groceries from my car after I had taken in the first bags, I may have been inside of my trunk when my car was hit. If I were there, my legs would've been crushed or worse. So although my car was totaled, I was saved. At that moment, the car or the problems associated with losing it, paled in comparison and I began to praise and thank God for being so good to me yet again.

I had to rent a car which cost me about $400 or so dollars, which I couldn't afford, but what could I do? Well, turns out, out of the three parked cars damaged in the accident, my car had 52% of it. The driver's insurance coverage was $5,000, which had to be split three ways and since I had the most damage, I was going to get the biggest check. I was the winner in the crashed car lottery! God truly does make everything, even things that suck, turn out for our good. 

My mechanic was able to fix my totaled car for less than half of the check I was going to receive. And after I subtracted the cost of the rental, I had a profit of $1100! God had given me back double of what the enemy tried to steal from me. Although I do thank God all the time, even for something as simple as a good parking space, it can be hard to remember to thank Him when things look bad. I look forward to the day when, if my car is hit, my immediate response is, "Thank you for that Lord, because I know you are going to bless me in this!" In ALL things, give thanks. (1 Thessalonians 5.18)

The children's father never did his due diligence to see the children, so Catholic Charities closed the case again. I think he doesn't want to come down for fear he will be served with a summons for non-payment of child support. His fears are well founded considering he owes $72,625 in unpaid support. He's in hiding, which is fine, because he is leaving us alone.

He's so afraid of me having any inkling of his address, that when he sent the kids their Christmas presents at then end of January, he used his mother's name and address for the return address on the package. God is not mocked, in due time we will reap what we sow. All the years he caused me to live in fear, now he lives in fear that he has created for himself and he still doesn't get it. He won't do what's right to set himself free. He once created a prison for me, now he lives in that prison alone. I will continue to pray for him as a lost soul that God loves as much as He loves me.  

Since January the children are enrolled in classes at the Y five days a week, with our only days off being Thursday and Sunday. They are taking art, dance, theater, tennis, basketball, and swimming. With them being there so much, I decided I might as well take advantage of it as well. So while they are busy doing their thing, I'm busy with step aerobics, yoga, fitness boxing, and zumba.

With all of that and the regular grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc., the week goes by pretty quickly, with me just barely managing to get everything accomplished and often having to put some things off til later....including rest. Sometimes while I am awake, I feel like I could sleep for at least 2 days straight.

Other than that, I am focusing on finishing up this spring semester, getting the kids (who are all on the honor roll) through this school year, figuring out what and where and then going on our 2nd annual family vacation later this year...it's looking like a cruise.

I have heard from some of my site's visitors over the past few months. Thank you for writing and sharing with me. Thank you for trusting me with your questions and fears. I will keep you and your families in prayer and hope you find this site as a place of encouragement and validation of your experience. I understand first hand what you are going through. Sometimes that's all we need is for someone to say, "This thing that happened to you was awful and it wasn't your fault. You weren't crazy as your abuser would have you believe and you didn't deserve it. But your life isn't over, that isn't the end of your story. You are special and God still has an awesome plan for your life!"

How Do I Do It?

So often when I talk to people and they learn of the schedule of my daily life, and they see how smart my children are, and how well they are taken care of, they ask me in astonishment, "How do you do it!!?"

I was just asked that question yesterday while on an interview to add a second job, outside the home, to my already crammed, daily life. I am sometimes at a loss for words when that question is posed, and I truthfully have to begin by saying, "I don't know."

I then speak the only thing I do know, "God gives me the strength." By myself, I can do nothing. But with God, I can.

When I collapse in bed at midnight, after getting up at 5am, going to work, homeschooling 3 children, grocery shopping, cooking dinner, washing dishes, baths, brushed teeth, bedtime and hugs & kisses, I often marvel, at what was squeezed into my 17 hour day. I spend a few moments thinking, "How long will this go on??? I'm only human."

My favorite scripture for many years now has been, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4.13). I hand wrote it and taped it to a wall in the house of pain that I used to share with my abusive husband. Days when I didn't think I could go on because of what the violence was doing to my soul, I'd see that scripture on the wall, amongst the children's drawings, scribbles and words I hung everywhere to teach them to read, and I knew I could make it.

I didn't know how, but I knew I would. I didn't know when, but I knew someday, the suffering I lived with day in and day out, would come to an end.

Today, I would like to encourage you, as I encourage me. God can and He will bring you through anything, if you trust Him and depend on Him to do it. He sees your pain and He wants to help you and trade His life of peace, for your life of war. He will heal your pain.

Christ gave me the strength to survive 10 years of abuse and He continues to give me the strength to recover from it. He is giving me the strength to raise my children on my own. And He will give me the strength to work a second job to provide for them if that's what it takes, as their abusive, cold & unloving father, has decided he will not.

One day all five of my children will have all graduated from college, be married, and have families and children of their own. They will rise up and call me blessed (Proverbs 31.28), and they will love me more than words can say, the way I love them everyday. Not for being a perfect mother, not for always getting it right, but for being a good mother. 

For loving them by never giving up, even when the going was really, really tough. 

For loving them by never abandoning them or casting aside my responsibility to them. 

For loving them by putting them and their needs first and far above mine. 

For loving them by not ever choosing a man over them. 

They will totally understand and fully appreciate all of the sacrifice, blood, sweat and tears that it took to do what I am doing now and will continue to do for years to come. From their good lives, I will receive, "the sweet reward of all my labor." (Proverbs 31.31)

And one day, my soul will look back and wonder.....how I got over.

                                                                   "God Can" 

                                                                 by James Fortune & FIYA

Monsters Are Real

Today is Halloween, the last day of October, which is also the last day of Domestic Violence Awareness Month. 

I'm just not sure anyone is more aware of the plague of domestic violence and family abuse than they were in September.

Both adults and children will put on costumes to trick or treat, to party and to scare, all in fun. 

But we must always be aware, that there are real monsters out there. 

Monsters that don't have fangs, or rotting flesh. They don't make you scream when you see them walking down the street. Nevertheless, they are the scariest monsters of all. They are the men and sometimes women, that bring fear, terror and pain to those they are supposed to love. 

They are the ones that cause us to tremble under our covers, keep us awake at night, and give us nightmares. They make the day as dark and scary as the night. They break our bones, hearts and spirits. They spill our blood and cause death to our dreams, souls and bodies. They suck life and hope, out of us. They are the real flesh eaters, zombies and vampires. 

They are hard to spot because they look just like everyone else. They hold good jobs, they are leaders in their communities. They are the nicest guys on their blocks, they are polite and helpful to strangers. They are always smiling.

Don't be fooled. That is only how they appear to others. Behind closed doors, to their families, they are bone-chillingly terrifying.

Remember, violent serial killers and mass murderers, can appear charming too.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month happens to be the same month as Breast Cancer Awareness, but I don't think it's a good idea. Both issues are important and because they affect so many people, each cause should have their own month to be brought to the forefront.

My problem is, people seem to eagerly embrace the issue of breast cancer, while they ignore the issue of domestic violence. 

Why is that? 

Maybe people feel that breast cancer is something that the victim can't help or didn't cause, unlike domestic violence, right? We must've done something to make him hit us or we must be okay with it or we would leave.

Maybe they feel that breast cancer is something that the victim didn't want or ask for, unlike domestic violence right? We must want it or we would just leave.

Maybe they see breast cancer victims as those deserving of compassion, unlike domestic violence victims. Why feel compassion for someone who could help herself but won't. 

Maybe they feel breast cancer is an issue that concerns us all, unlike domestic violence which is a personal one. Right? Hey, not our business. What goes on in someone's home is private. Man's gotta a right to keep his family in line anyway he wants to.

I don't know what the reasons are, but all month long, I saw pink ribbons everywhere. I saw them in the supermarket, in store windows, on TV, and a variety of products from balloons, doughnuts, potato chips and cookies. People wore T-shirts and ran races for a cure.

I didn't see a purple ribbon anywhere, except at the candlelight vigil I attended in honor of victims and survivors of domestic violence. It was not on a single bag of chips, in a single store window, on a single commercial, or cookie. No one ran a race to put an end to domestic violence. 

If I weren't a survivor of domestic violence, I wouldn't be aware of the issue at all and actually wasn't until I became one. I certainly wouldn't know there is a month dedicated to bringing the issue to light. Both breast cancer and domestic violence are extremely significant issues and they both affect women. Actually, domestic violence affects men and children too.

I just feel one is less threatening to the general public and more commercial in terms of selling products. Breast cancer doesn't make people feel uncomfortable, domestic violence does. Why are people so uneasy about it? Is it because they know its wrong and when they know it's going on and don't do or say anything about it, they feel guilt and shame?

Well, I don't know a single person whose had breast cancer. None of my friends or family. Yet, I am very cognizant of the breast cancer issue. The same should be said of domestic violence. People should be as aware of domestic violence as they are of breast cancer.

But domestic violence is pushed to the back, swept under the rug, hid in the closet, the dark secret in our society. 

It's not fair. Women die due to domestic violence, just like they die due to breast cancer. But breast cancer doesn't send women to the emergency room with fractured and broken bones. It doesn't give them black eyes and busted lips. It doesn't cause their bodies to be covered with purple, black and blue bruises all over. It doesn't cause their children to live in terror or grow up and repeat the cycle. Children also die because of domestic violence, they don't die of breast cancer.

I would suggest that Domestic Violence Awareness Month be moved to February - a month that people associate with love. Let's associate it with broken hearts for the love that has been twisted and perverted and turned into a weapon. But then again it would probably just be overshadowed by chocolate, hearts, roses and cupids.

What about January? Too much winding down from the holidays and settling into the New Year.

March? Shamrocks and Leprechauns.

April? Easter.

May? Mother's Day.

June? Graduations.

July? Hmmm...maybe, it quiets down after the 4th.

August? Strong possibility. Nothing special going on this month.

September? Back to school.

November? Thanksgiving.

December? Christmas.

My vote would be for moving Domestic Violence Awareness Month to August. No distracting symbols going on during that month, giving the purple ribbons an opportunity to be seen and the association to the issue to take root.

But whether or not there is a month that centers around this issue, it is something that I personally believe almost everyone has come in direct contact with. Whether its the doctors or other health care workers that treat victims, whether it's a family member, friend, co-worker, neighbor, we can all think of someone that has been effected by this. 

Aside from myself, I've had numerous family members, some friends, fellow church members and co-workers, that were direct victims of violence. 

Domestic violence is a  universal pandemic and just as urgent as any other issue that affects the health, physical or mental well being, and quality of life of a human being. 

And we all need to care about that.

Another Look at "The Color Purple"

 

"Til You Do Right By Me (and Yo' Kids, Jeff), Everything You Even Think About Gonna Fail"

The Color Purple is one of my favorite movies of all time. I loved this movie long before I ever really knew what domestic violence was. The character Albert, played to a perfect ugliness, by Danny Glover, was so detestable.  My heart broke for Celie and all the heartache, pain, physical, verbal, sexual and emotional abuse he put her through.

As a viewer, you wanted to see him "get his," and kinda hoped she would cut his throat that day she was about to give him his last shave. But, I was glad and took a sigh of relief when Shug stopped her. He was a despicable and worthless human being that put her through so much hell. But he was not worth losing the rest of her life over.

The title of the movie never clicked with me until the other day. The color purple is the color that has been chosen to be a symbol of domestic violence. I don't know why or how the color was chosen, but it makes the title of the movie that much more apropos. 

I have included a link here to a scene from the movie in which Celie has finally summoned the strength, with the help of Shug (ironically, her husband's mistress) to take back her life and leave him. He continues to be verbally abusive and berate her until the very end, but this scene is so powerful because Celie has made up her mind that this day would be the last one she'd ever be subjected to his abuse again. 

This scene also contains my favorite line. As she is leaving, Celie says to Albert, "Til you do right by me, everything you even think about gonna fail!" I loved it from the first time I saw it two decades ago. Now it is even more meaningful to me, as I have gone through a life with an Albert of my own, and I too, have broken free.

When I think about it, everything my husband has tried to do against me and my children since I left him, has failed. It is clear to see that he is living the truth that, "until you do right, all you do will go wrong." (Lauryn Hill)  Everything you done to me Jeff, already been done to you, you'll see.

While looking for this scene on YouTube, I stumbled across a video someone put together using scenes from the movie. The song that is playing was written by an artist named Kristy Lee, and it's called, "45."

"She Had Enough"

You've Been Served

I told you, you can't hide forever. Now that you've been served, you are obligated to inform the Bronx Family Court of your current address at which you receive mail. 

Personally, I think it's disgraceful, shameful (for normal people), and should be illegal, for you to pay a stranger $40 an hour to babysit you while you visit with kids you say you don't have the money to pay child support for.

You are paying him with their child support money!!! You are paying him in 3 hours, what it takes you to pay your kids in 3 months!!!

But it's all good. You've been served! In front of several witnesses, served by a PA State Constable, it's soooooo official.

The attorney handling this case will know first thing in the morning, when you are supposed to be in court for the 9:30am hearing, that you are aware that they are looking for you. There's really only one way out of the trouble that lies ahead for you....

Pay your child support!!! Take care of your 4 young children!!!

I know it kills you, that you can't control and abuse me economically anymore. The days of doling out money to me for toilet paper and toothpaste are over. You think you can continue to make my life miserable by holding back the money? 

Well, you CAN'T and you're NOT!   Oh,  did I mention.......

It has only come to boomerang back on you. You will eventually end up behind bars if you don't pay.
Is it really worth it??? Gosh! (in Napoleon Dynamite voice.)

You act like pharaoh. If God says, "Let my people go!," and He sets them free, you need to just do it. Don't fight the Almighty.

It's already catching up to you....

And to think you called me stupid and dumb so many times in the past. Ha! Whose the real dummy now? 

Time is the judge of all things, right? Well time has shown and proven. 

You think so much of yourself because you rock chess on a board.  Pssst...whatever.

Baby, I rock it in life! You're in check. 

And just in case I forgot to mention it.....

Have You Seen This Man?

 

AS OF AUGUST 1, 2011,
THE DEADBEAT SEEN BELOW, 
OWES $55,835 
IN UNPAID CHILD SUPPORT!

 HIS WILLFUL FAILURE 
 TO OBEY THE COURT ORDER IS 
CONSIDERED CRIMINAL NON-SUPPORT 
OR CONTEMPT.

 

Basically Jeff, this makes you an outlaw, just like the guys in that wanted poster. I guess that's why you're hiding out from the courts in NY, trying to evade service of the summons to appear on this matter.

They should have these types of offender 

posters in NYC.

Oh, well. Those glasses aren't big enough for you to hide behind and you can't hide forever, Jeff.

You can't hide forever.....

Why Won't You Support Your Kids???

How can you stand to look at yourself in the mirror everyday?

You know that somewhere in this world you have 4 young children that you should be supporting,  but you DON'T.

How do you live with yourself?

Oh, I forgot. Your brain isn't wired like mine.

You have NO conscience.

I hope you don't still have conversations with people in which you are trying to enlighten them. All your talk of knowledge, wisdom, understanding and truth, when you yourself have and live and breathe lies, makes you a fraud.

I hope you aren't still wasting money on bootleg Farrakhan DVDs that talk about the black family, when you have abandoned your black children. I think you just get a kick out of saying, "Respect," to the guys on 125th street that you buy them from. You were so proud to have once had your picture taken with Minister Farrakhan. The truth is, he'd probably throw up, if he knew the kind of person you really are.

You don't deserve one ounce of respect from anyone. You have a princess and 3 sons and they have -0- fathers. They have no one to teach them how to be a man because you don't even amount to 1/2 of a man.

There are men working two and three jobs to take care of their children. There are dudes out there hustling and slinging, to make sure they provide for their kids. Some end up doing time for it. They deserve respect because they were willing to do whatever it took to make sure their seeds didn't live in lack. 
That makes them more of a man than you can ever hope to be.

How do your friends even stomach your presence knowing you abused your wife for years, while preaching to them? How can they stand knowing your family had to run from you for safety?

How do they hang out with you and the 800 pound gorilla in the midst?

You are about to pay a strange white man $50 an hour to babysit you, while you visit with your kids.

You can't wait to hand their child support money over to him.

It should be against the law for you to pay someone to visit with kids you aren't supporting.  How many thousands have you paid your various attorneys, loser? I didn't have to pay mine a dime and beat you on everything. So who's the idiot again?

If you can't afford to pay your child support, how can you afford to pay anyone else???

Even Einstein can't add that one up!

Don't you think your kids need that money more than a visitation supervisor?

I guess the truth is, you don't think about it, because the truth is you don't care.

So come on down fake a$$ dad and put on another black face show for the white man and pretend that you love your kids.

Open wide so that they can see all those nasty teeth in your stinking mouth as you let out that phoney guffaw you've perfected, so they can hear it echo in Kenya.

Then when that hour or two is up, reach in your wallet and pull out the Benjamins that you have put aside for another man to support his family, while your kids go home with ears full of empty promises and pockets full of lint.

So go 'head, go on and support Mr. White's kids with $150 you should be giving to your kids. He's gonna leave your dumb ass and go take his kids to the movies and Rita's wit yo' kids' money!

Come on down, you're the next contestant on, "If I Don't Gotta Support My Kids, Then the Price is Just Right!"

Really Jeff?.....Really???

Monday, July 18th, there was supposed to be a hearing in Lehigh County Court in regards to my husband's visitation with our children. He didn't show up. Instead he called in, in spite of there being an order for all parties to appear in person.

Tuesday July 19, 2011, that good for nothing, deadbeat dad, soon to be ex-husband, called his kids for the first time since November 2009.

Why?

Because he has an order to call them.

It took a white man with a pen and pad and the power to issue a worthless order, for this negro to call his kids.

Really, Jeff? Really?

Three out of our four kids have had birthdays already pass this year. As he has done for the past three years, he didn't send a gift or a card and he didn't call them, text them, or email them.

He has no intelligent, logical reason for not calling them all this time. Now that "the man" has given him a schedule - Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday at 7pm, he was right on time.

Talk about stupid and dumb. No one ever stopped this man from calling his kids. He just stopped on his own. In the hearing on Monday, I brought up the fact that he has abandoned the kids in every way, not supporting (about $60,000 in arrears), not seeing, and not even calling them to say, "Hi or Happy Birthday." The hearing officer asked him if it were true and why hadn't he called his kids. Jeff kept saying, "Sir, sir, sir..." He had no answer.

So I guess in his mind, some magical wand has been waved now that there is an order to call. 

In my mind, it's retarded to need a court order to do something you claim you've been wanting to do, but haven't been doing, and the only one that stopped you from doing it was YOU, fool!

The hearing was a farce. I'll fill you in on that later. So the drongo is back in the picture for now.

I'm Okay!

July 2, 2011

I'm sorry. Based on my last post, you probably thought I was going to do something awful to myself. Didn't mean to worry or scare ya. I was just having a moment and needed to vent all my pains and frustrations.

I have these moments from time to time because the load I am bearing is NO @#$% JOKE! And you know, me being human and all. Some days I wish I could lay it all down or pass it off to someone else. Jesus says to cast our cares on Him because He cares for us. He says to take His yoke, for it is easy and light. Guess I don't know how to do that completely just yet.


Just wanted you to know all is well. My head is clear and back on straight. There's a renewed strength that has returned, which comes to replenish me when I reach the end of my rope. Work is keeping me extremely busy with days that begin when the alarm goes off at 6:00am, until we return home at 6:30pm. The kids and housework take up the rest of the day. To say I'm tired is an understatement, I'm exhausted beyond belief, but I keep it moving. The life I live is not for the weak, faint of heart or unequipped. I also believe that God gives me an anointing to get through this period of my life. When I collapse in bed around midnight and I recall my day, I'm amazed sometimes at how much I actually had to do and that I got it all done.

In a world where only the strong survive, one's level of strength and ability to endure, matter a lot. It is the difference between life and death....I'm still standing.


My personal life may be looking up too.....


I was so damaged and wounded when I left my husband 2 years ago, I had no interest in ever being in a relationship again. Even the good ones can be draining and take a lot of work and focus on someone else and their needs, idiosyncrasies, habits and quirks. I really wasn't interested in taking even a second of my time to concentrate on some grown man and what I needed to do to keep him happy. I have kids to raise and they come first.

I also truly didn't think I'd ever meet someone that could accept me and my children as a package deal and we are a large package. But it's possible I may have. I'm just not sure if he's the one that God has chosen for me. Can't make moves I'm not 100% sure of. Will not make any more mistakes in that area of my life. Still not sure if maybe I'm just supposed to grow old alone - just raise my kids by myself and devote my life to what God has called me to do....whatever that is. So, I'll just take it more than slow and see what happens. (There's nothing to tell, so don't ask!)

Anyway, I was out of my funky mood several weeks ago, I've just been too busy to write. I'm the coordinator and director of a summer camp right now, and I've never done anything like this before in my life. It's a huge undertaking.

Planning the daily activities for a K-1st grade class and a 2nd-5th grade class, including all of the trips and transportation, the files and required paperwork on each child and tracking their parents down for it. Creating & collecting permission slips, monthly calendars and weekly sign in sheets. Keeping track of the lunch & breakfast - how many were received & how many were served, not serving it one minute before or after the designated time and making sure the next meal is served exactly 3 hours later. I even have to order the milk. Having to keep track of who paid and how much....it goes on and on.

I have a staff to deal with and the different personalities that come with it. The work ethic that people have aren't always the same as ours. Dealing with haters and saboteurs can try anyone's patience. My priority is to make sure that the children are being given the summer that they should have, because this is their vacation, not ours. And all day long I hear, "Ms. Trotter....Ms. Trotter....Ms. Trotter." The kids are calling me, my staff is calling me, the office is calling me, the parents are calling me, the lunch & milk ladies are calling me." Whew! Oy Vay!

Camp is 10 weeks long and we just finished our 3rd week. The summer is zooming by and will be over before we know it. I am going to need a vacation after the kids' summer vacation.

Anyway, I just wanted to take the time to say, "Hi and I'm doing just fine!"