February 23, 2011

I Want a Dad

"It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father."
- Pope John XXIII"
This morning while we were getting ready for school and work, Solomon asked me, "Does a man ask a woman to marry him or does the woman ask the man?" I said, the man is supposed to ask the woman. I added that women can ask men, but I wouldn't ask a man, I want a man to ask me.

He then told me that he wanted me to marry someone cool. I laughed and said, "Okay....why are you saying all this?" He said, "Because I want a dad." My heart broke as I said, "But you already have a dad." He said, "Not a dad like that. I mean a real dad that lives with us."

Wow! What could I say to that? I knew exactly what he meant. He meant a dad that's there. A dad that's here. A dad that is a real part of his life. Not some guy that contributed half of his DNA, contributes next to nothing in support and is more of an urban legend than a reality. Dads that are strictly biological are as good as no dad at all.

All at once I understood two things:
1. He's healing, because he's thinking about a replacement for his absent father.
2. He's still hurting because he's thinking about a replacement for his absent father.
And yet again I was powerless to give him what he wants. I couldn't make his father do the right thing by us, and I can't find the perfect dad today.

I tried to explain to him that there's no 'daddy store,' where I can go and pick out a new dad. I also reminded him that I'm always either with them or at work and it's hard to meet someone that way. Now of course this entire conversation took place in the presence of  Justina and Joshua. So I let them all know that right now, its my job to take care of and raise them and I wanna do it right. I don't want to go out and look for men just so that there can be a man in the house. Most of them would be no good and I don't want to have any more bad men in our lives.
I will never again settle for a man that doesn't appeal to every part of me. He has to LOVE the Lord and have his own mature relationship with Him, no piggy backing and hiding behind mine. He has to be kind, patient and gentle. He has to be intelligent, hard working, drug free and non-smoker. I hate smoker's breath. He has to be a clean in whatever ways we expect people to be. I want him to be in good health. He has to be able to provide well for us financially. He should be established at this stage in his life and own his own. I don't wanna be with someone who's struggling to make ends meet. If he can barely take care of himself, how will he take care of a family of five? He will be no help to me and end up just taking from me.

And if there is a next time around, he HAS to be good looking too! I want a man that I find attractive on the inside and the OUTSIDE. I see a lot of good looking God loving men, and if I'm gonna have one, I want one of those! If I'm gonna be eye candy for him, I want him to be eye candy for me. Muscles that are hard and visible. Not like a weight lifter, but like a man who lifts weights. No skinnies and no fatties. Sorry, but that's my personal taste and preference. I want him to have a beautiful smile, nice teeth and a twinkle in his eyes. A dream guy! If I'm gonna dream, might as well include everything I want in it!

No more broke, busted, UGLY men! 

So it's all up to God. If that dream man does exist and God has already picked him out for us, then He will help him find us. I say, 'us' and not 'me,' because we are a package deal. Whoever wants to love me, has to love my children too. If it's not meant to be, then so be it. With God's help, I will continue to raise my children alone, as I've done through good times and bad, for the past two years. 

It won't be easy, but I know that I can do this because, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me the strength." Philippians 4.13