November 9, 2011

How Do I Do It?

So often when I talk to people and they learn of the schedule of my daily life, and they see how smart my children are, and how well they are taken care of, they ask me in astonishment, "How do you do it!!?"

I was just asked that question yesterday while on an interview to add a second job, outside the home, to my already crammed, daily life. I am sometimes at a loss for words when that question is posed, and I truthfully have to begin by saying, "I don't know."

I then speak the only thing I do know, "God gives me the strength." By myself, I can do nothing. But with God, I can.

When I collapse in bed at midnight, after getting up at 5am, going to work, homeschooling 3 children, grocery shopping, cooking dinner, washing dishes, baths, brushed teeth, bedtime and hugs & kisses, I often marvel, at what was squeezed into my 17 hour day. I spend a few moments thinking, "How long will this go on??? I'm only human."

My favorite scripture for many years now has been, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4.13). I hand wrote it and taped it to a wall in the house of pain that I used to share with my abusive husband. Days when I didn't think I could go on because of what the violence was doing to my soul, I'd see that scripture on the wall, amongst the children's drawings, scribbles and words I hung everywhere to teach them to read, and I knew I could make it.

I didn't know how, but I knew I would. I didn't know when, but I knew someday, the suffering I lived with day in and day out, would come to an end.

Today, I would like to encourage you, as I encourage me. God can and He will bring you through anything, if you trust Him and depend on Him to do it. He sees your pain and He wants to help you and trade His life of peace, for your life of war. He will heal your pain.

Christ gave me the strength to survive 10 years of abuse and He continues to give me the strength to recover from it. He is giving me the strength to raise my children on my own. And He will give me the strength to work a second job to provide for them if that's what it takes, as their abusive, cold & unloving father, has decided he will not.

One day all five of my children will have all graduated from college, be married, and have families and children of their own. They will rise up and call me blessed (Proverbs 31.28), and they will love me more than words can say, the way I love them everyday. Not for being a perfect mother, not for always getting it right, but for being a good mother. 

For loving them by never giving up, even when the going was really, really tough. 
For loving them by never abandoning them or casting aside my responsibility to them. 
For loving them by putting them and their needs first and far above mine. 
For loving them by not ever choosing a man over them

They will totally understand and fully appreciate all of the sacrifice, blood, sweat and tears that it took to do what I am doing now and will continue to do for years to come. From their good lives, I will receive, "the sweet reward of all my labor." (Proverbs 31.31)

And one day, my soul will look back and I got over.

                                                                   "God Can" 
                                                                 by James Fortune & FIYA

October 31, 2011

Monsters Are Real

Today is Halloween, the last day of October, which is also the last day of Domestic Violence Awareness Month. 

I'm just not sure anyone is more aware of the plague of domestic violence and family abuse than they were in September.

Both adults and children will put on costumes to trick or treat, to party and to scare, all in fun. 

But we must always be aware, that there are real monsters out there. 

Monsters that don't have fangs, or rotting flesh. They don't make you scream when you see them walking down the street. Nevertheless, they are the scariest monsters of all. They are the men and sometimes women, that bring fear, terror and pain to those they are supposed to love. 

They are the ones that cause us to tremble under our covers, keep us awake at night, and give us nightmares. They make the day as dark and scary as the night. They break our bones, hearts and spirits. They spill our blood and cause death to our dreams, souls and bodies. They suck life and hope, out of us. They are the real flesh eaters, zombies and vampires. 

They are hard to spot because they look just like everyone else. They hold good jobs, they are leaders in their communities. They are the nicest guys on their blocks, they are polite and helpful to strangers. They are always smiling.

Don't be fooled. That is only how they appear to others. Behind closed doors, to their families, they are bone-chillingly terrifying.

Remember, violent serial killers and mass murderers, can appear charming too.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month happens to be the same month as Breast Cancer Awareness, but I don't think it's a good idea. Both issues are important and because they affect so many people, each cause should have their own month to be brought to the forefront.

My problem is, people seem to eagerly embrace the issue of breast cancer, while they ignore the issue of domestic violence. 

Why is that? 

Maybe people feel that breast cancer is something that the victim can't help or didn't cause, unlike domestic violence, right? We must've done something to make him hit us or we must be okay with it or we would leave.

Maybe they feel that breast cancer is something that the victim didn't want or ask for, unlike domestic violence right? We must want it or we would just leave.

Maybe they see breast cancer victims as those deserving of compassion, unlike domestic violence victims. Why feel compassion for someone who could help herself but won't. 

Maybe they feel breast cancer is an issue that concerns us all, unlike domestic violence which is a personal one. Right? Hey, not our business. What goes on in someone's home is private. Man's gotta a right to keep his family in line anyway he wants to.

I don't know what the reasons are, but all month long, I saw pink ribbons everywhere. I saw them in the supermarket, in store windows, on TV, and a variety of products from balloons, doughnuts, potato chips and cookies. People wore T-shirts and ran races for a cure.

I didn't see a purple ribbon anywhere, except at the candlelight vigil I attended in honor of victims and survivors of domestic violence. It was not on a single bag of chips, in a single store window, on a single commercial, or cookie. No one ran a race to put an end to domestic violence. 

If I weren't a survivor of domestic violence, I wouldn't be aware of the issue at all and actually wasn't until I became one. I certainly wouldn't know there is a month dedicated to bringing the issue to light. Both breast cancer and domestic violence are extremely significant issues and they both affect women. Actually, domestic violence affects men and children too.

I just feel one is less threatening to the general public and more commercial in terms of selling products. Breast cancer doesn't make people feel uncomfortable, domestic violence does. Why are people so uneasy about it? Is it because they know its wrong and when they know it's going on and don't do or say anything about it, they feel guilt and shame?

Well, I don't know a single person whose had breast cancer. None of my friends or family. Yet, I am very cognizant of the breast cancer issue. The same should be said of domestic violence. People should be as aware of domestic violence as they are of breast cancer.

But domestic violence is pushed to the back, swept under the rug, hid in the closet, the dark secret in our society. 

It's not fair. Women die due to domestic violence, just like they die due to breast cancer. But breast cancer doesn't send women to the emergency room with fractured and broken bones. It doesn't give them black eyes and busted lips. It doesn't cause their bodies to be covered with purple, black and blue bruises all over. It doesn't cause their children to live in terror or grow up and repeat the cycle. Children also die because of domestic violence, they don't die of breast cancer.

I would suggest that Domestic Violence Awareness Month be moved to February - a month that people associate with love. Let's associate it with broken hearts for the love that has been twisted and perverted and turned into a weapon. But then again it would probably just be overshadowed by chocolate, hearts, roses and cupids.

What about January? Too much winding down from the holidays and settling into the New Year.
March? Shamrocks and Leprechauns.
April? Easter.
May? Mother's Day.
June? Graduations.
July? Hmmm...maybe, it quiets down after the 4th.
August? Strong possibility. Nothing special going on this month.
September? Back to school.
November? Thanksgiving.
December? Christmas.

My vote would be for moving Domestic Violence Awareness Month to August. No distracting symbols going on during that month, giving the purple ribbons an opportunity to be seen and the association to the issue to take root.

But whether or not there is a month that centers around this issue, it is something that I personally believe almost everyone has come in direct contact with. Whether its the doctors or other health care workers that treat victims, whether it's a family member, friend, co-worker, neighbor, we can all think of someone that has been effected by this. 

Aside from myself, I've had numerous family members, some friends, fellow church members and co-workers, that were direct victims of violence. 

Domestic violence is a  universal pandemic and just as urgent as any other issue that affects the health, physical or mental well being, and quality of life of a human being. 

And we all need to care about that.

October 20, 2011

Another Look at "The Color Purple"

"Til You Do Right By Me (and Yo' Kids, Jeff), Everything You Even Think About Gonna Fail"

The Color Purple is one of my favorite movies of all time. I loved this movie long before I ever really knew what domestic violence was. The character Albert, played to a perfect ugliness, by Danny Glover, was so detestable.  My heart broke for Celie and all the heartache, pain, physical, verbal, sexual and emotional abuse he put her through.

As a viewer, you wanted to see him "get his," and kinda hoped she would cut his throat that day she was about to give him his last shave. But, I was glad and took a sigh of relief when Shug stopped her. He was a despicable and worthless human being that put her through so much hell. But he was not worth losing the rest of her life over.

The title of the movie never clicked with me until the other day. The color purple is the color that has been chosen to be a symbol of domestic violence. I don't know why or how the color was chosen, but it makes the title of the movie that much more apropos. 

I have included a link here to a scene from the movie in which Celie has finally summoned the strength, with the help of Shug (ironically, her husband's mistress) to take back her life and leave him. He continues to be verbally abusive and berate her until the very end, but this scene is so powerful because Celie has made up her mind that this day would be the last one she'd ever be subjected to his abuse again. 

This scene also contains my favorite line. As she is leaving, Celie says to Albert, "Til you do right by me, everything you even think about gonna fail!" I loved it from the first time I saw it two decades ago. Now it is even more meaningful to me, as I have gone through a life with an Albert of my own, and I too, have broken free.

When I think about it, everything my husband has tried to do against me and my children since I left him, has failed. It is clear to see that he is living the truth that, "until you do right, all you do will go wrong." (Lauryn Hill)  Everything you done to me Jeff, already been done to you, you'll see.

While looking for this scene on YouTube, I stumbled across a video someone put together using scenes from the movie. The song that is playing was written by an artist named Kristy Lee, and it's called, "45."

"She Had Enough"

August 7, 2011

You've Been Served

I told you, you can't hide forever. Now that you've been served, you are obligated to inform the Bronx Family Court of your current address at which you receive mail. 

Personally, I think it's disgraceful, shameful (for normal people), and should be illegal, for you to pay a stranger $40 an hour to babysit you while you visit with kids you say you don't have the money to pay child support for.

You are paying him with their child support money!!! You are paying him in 3 hours, what it takes you to pay your kids in 3 months!!!

But it's all good. You've been served! In front of several witnesses, served by a PA State Constable, it's soooooo official.

The attorney handling this case will know first thing in the morning, when you are supposed to be in court for the 9:30am hearing, that you are aware that they are looking for you. There's really only one way out of the trouble that lies ahead for you....

Pay your child support!!! Take care of your 4 young children!!!

I know it kills you, that you can't control and abuse me economically anymore. The days of doling out money to me for toilet paper and toothpaste are over. You think you can continue to make my life miserable by holding back the money? 

Well, you CAN'T and you're NOT!   Oh,  did I mention.......

It has only come to boomerang back on you. You will eventually end up behind bars if you don't pay.
Is it really worth it??? Gosh! (in Napoleon Dynamite voice.)
You act like pharaoh. If God says, "Let my people go!," and He sets them free, you need to just do it. Don't fight the Almighty.

It's already catching up to you....

And to think you called me stupid and dumb so many times in the past. Ha! Whose the real dummy now
Time is the judge of all things, right? Well time has shown and proven. 

You think so much of yourself because you rock chess on a board.  Pssst...whatever.

Baby, I rock it in life! You're in check. 

And just in case I forgot to mention it.....

August 1, 2011

Have You Seen This Man?

AS OF AUGUST 1, 2011,
OWES $55,835 

Basically Jeff, this makes you an outlaw, just like the guys in that wanted poster. I guess that's why you're hiding out from the courts in NY, trying to evade service of the summons to appear on this matter.

They should have these types of offender 
posters in NYC.

Oh, well. Those glasses aren't big enough for you to hide behind and you can't hide forever, Jeff.

You can't hide forever.....

July 31, 2011

Why Won't You Support Your Kids???

How can you stand to look at yourself in the mirror everyday?

You know that somewhere in this world you have 4 young children that you should be supporting,  but you DON'T.

How do you live with yourself?
Oh, I forgot. Your brain isn't wired like mine.
You have NO conscience.

I hope you don't still have conversations with people in which you are trying to enlighten them. All your talk of knowledge, wisdom, understanding and truth, when you yourself have and live and breathe lies, makes you a fraud.

I hope you aren't still wasting money on bootleg Farrakhan DVDs that talk about the black family, when you have abandoned your black children. I think you just get a kick out of saying, "Respect," to the guys on 125th street that you buy them from. You were so proud to have once had your picture taken with Minister Farrakhan. The truth is, he'd probably throw up, if he knew the kind of person you really are.

You don't deserve one ounce of respect from anyone. You have a princess and 3 sons and they have -0- fathers. They have no one to teach them how to be a man because you don't even amount to 1/2 of a man.
There are men working two and three jobs to take care of their children. There are dudes out there hustling and slinging, to make sure they provide for their kids. Some end up doing time for it. They deserve respect because they were willing to do whatever it took to make sure their seeds didn't live in lack. 
That makes them more of a man than you can ever hope to be.

How do your friends even stomach your presence knowing you abused your wife for years, while preaching to them? How can they stand knowing your family had to run from you for safety?

How do they hang out with you and the 800 pound gorilla in the midst?

You are about to pay a strange white man $50 an hour to babysit you, while you visit with your kids.
You can't wait to hand their child support money over to him.

It should be against the law for you to pay someone to visit with kids you aren't supporting.  How many thousands have you paid your various attorneys, loser? I didn't have to pay mine a dime and beat you on everything. So who's the idiot again?

If you can't afford to pay your child support, how can you afford to pay anyone else???

Even Einstein can't add that one up!

Don't you think your kids need that money more than a visitation supervisor?
I guess the truth is, you don't think about it, because the truth is you don't care.

So come on down fake a$$ dad and put on another black face show for the white man and pretend that you love your kids.

Open wide so that they can see all those nasty teeth in your stinking mouth as you let out that phoney guffaw you've perfected, so they can hear it echo in Kenya.

Then when that hour or two is up, reach in your wallet and pull out the Benjamins that you have put aside for another man to support his family, while your kids go home with ears full of empty promises and pockets full of lint.

So go 'head, go on and support Mr. White's kids with $150 you should be giving to your kids. He's gonna leave your dumb ass and go take his kids to the movies and Rita's wit yo' kids' money!

Come on down, you're the next contestant on, "If I Don't Gotta Support My Kids, Then the Price is Just Right!"

July 21, 2011

Really Jeff?.....Really???

Monday, July 18th, there was supposed to be a hearing in Lehigh County Court in regards to my husband's visitation with our children. He didn't show up. Instead he called in, in spite of there being an order for all parties to appear in person.

Tuesday July 19, 2011, that good for nothing, deadbeat dad, soon to be ex-husband, called his kids for the first time since November 2009.

Because he has an order to call them.

It took a white man with a pen and pad and the power to issue a worthless order, for this negro to call his kids.

Really, Jeff? Really?

Three out of our four kids have had birthdays already pass this year. As he has done for the past three years, he didn't send a gift or a card and he didn't call them, text them, or email them.

He has no intelligent, logical reason for not calling them all this time. Now that "the man" has given him a schedule - Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday at 7pm, he was right on time.

Talk about stupid and dumb. No one ever stopped this man from calling his kids. He just stopped on his own. In the hearing on Monday, I brought up the fact that he has abandoned the kids in every way, not supporting (about $60,000 in arrears), not seeing, and not even calling them to say, "Hi or Happy Birthday." The hearing officer asked him if it were true and why hadn't he called his kids. Jeff kept saying, "Sir, sir, sir..." He had no answer.

So I guess in his mind, some magical wand has been waved now that there is an order to call

In my mind, it's retarded to need a court order to do something you claim you've been wanting to do, but haven't been doing, and the only one that stopped you from doing it was YOU, fool!

The hearing was a farce. I'll fill you in on that later. So the drongo is back in the picture for now.

July 2, 2011

I'm Okay!

July 2, 2011

I'm sorry. Based on my last post, you probably thought I was going to do something awful to myself. Didn't mean to worry or scare ya. I was just having a moment and needed to vent all my pains and frustrations.

I have these moments from time to time because the load I am bearing is NO @#$% JOKE! And you know, me being human and all. Some days I wish I could lay it all down or pass it off to someone else. Jesus says to cast our cares on Him because He cares for us. He says to take His yoke, for it is easy and light. Guess I don't know how to do that completely just yet.

Just wanted you to know all is well. My head is clear and back on straight. There's a renewed strength that has returned, which comes to replenish me when I reach the end of my rope. Work is keeping me extremely busy with days that begin when the alarm goes off at 6:00am, until we return home at 6:30pm. The kids and housework take up the rest of the day. To say I'm tired is an understatement, I'm exhausted beyond belief, but I keep it moving. The life I live is not for the weak, faint of heart or unequipped. I also believe that God gives me an anointing to get through this period of my life. When I collapse in bed around midnight and I recall my day, I'm amazed sometimes at how much I actually had to do and that I got it all done.

In a world where only the strong survive, one's level of strength and ability to endure, matter a lot. It is the difference between life and death....I'm still standing.

My personal life may be looking up too.....

I was so damaged and wounded when I left my husband 2 years ago, I had no interest in ever being in a relationship again. Even the good ones can be draining and take a lot of work and focus on someone else and their needs, idiosyncrasies, habits and quirks. I really wasn't interested in taking even a second of my time to concentrate on some grown man and what I needed to do to keep him happy. I have kids to raise and they come first.

I also truly didn't think I'd ever meet someone that could accept me and my children as a package deal and we are a large package. But it's possible I may have. I'm just not sure if he's the one that God has chosen for me. Can't make moves I'm not 100% sure of. Will not make any more mistakes in that area of my life. Still not sure if maybe I'm just supposed to grow old alone - just raise my kids by myself and devote my life to what God has called me to do....whatever that is. So, I'll just take it more than slow and see what happens. (There's nothing to tell, so don't ask!)

Anyway, I was out of my funky mood several weeks ago, I've just been too busy to write. I'm the coordinator and director of a summer camp right now, and I've never done anything like this before in my life. It's a huge undertaking.

Planning the daily activities for a K-1st grade class and a 2nd-5th grade class, including all of the trips and transportation, the files and required paperwork on each child and tracking their parents down for it. Creating & collecting permission slips, monthly calendars and weekly sign in sheets. Keeping track of the lunch & breakfast - how many were received & how many were served, not serving it one minute before or after the designated time and making sure the next meal is served exactly 3 hours later. I even have to order the milk. Having to keep track of who paid and how goes on and on.

I have a staff to deal with and the different personalities that come with it. The work ethic that people have aren't always the same as ours. Dealing with haters and saboteurs can try anyone's patience. My priority is to make sure that the children are being given the summer that they should have, because this is their vacation, not ours. And all day long I hear, "Ms. Trotter....Ms. Trotter....Ms. Trotter." The kids are calling me, my staff is calling me, the office is calling me, the parents are calling me, the lunch & milk ladies are calling me." Whew! Oy Vay!

Camp is 10 weeks long and we just finished our 3rd week. The summer is zooming by and will be over before we know it. I am going to need a vacation after the kids' summer vacation.

Anyway, I just wanted to take the time to say, "Hi and I'm doing just fine!"

May 5, 2011

No Words Left to Say

Right now, I have no words left to say.
I have no way to articulate what I'm feeling and what I'm going through....but I'll try.

I'm tired....but that's not good enough to express how tired.
Fatigued, exhausted, weary, burnt out, beat, drained, & distressed,
weak, faint, vexed, overburdened, & depressed.

I'm mad....but that's not good enough to express how mad.
Angry, livid, furious, infuriated, & enraged,
hot, boiling, fiery, fuming, resentful, hateful,
irate, crabby, peeved, rancorous & deranged.

I'm lonely....but that's not good enough to express how lonely.
Abandoned, alone, deserted & forsaken
isolated, desolated, secluded, rejected, reclusive,
solitary, outcast, cast down, withdrawn & forlorn.

I'm sad....but that's not good enough to express how sad.
Unhappy, gloomy, heartbroken, dismal & heartsick,
melancholy, hurting, dark, gloomy, pitiful,
heavy hearted, dejected, lamentable & oppressed.

I'm lost....but that's not good enough to express how lost I feel I am.....
Confused, adrift, disoriented, gone, & astray,
wandering, vanished, devastated, annihilated, dissipated,
obliterated, eradicated, erased, wasted, vanquished, defeated....
I've strayed.

Can't find my way out
Can't find my way through

Tired of pushing against life
Tired of struggling to survive

Sick of the process
Sick of being a leftover
Worn out by the journey
Disappointed in my Creator

Don't wanna hold on
Don't wanna hang in
Don't wanna keep runnin'
Don't wanna be patient
Don't wanna get up
Don't wanna go over, under or through

I Know what I wanna do....
Stare out the window til the sun goes down
Sip through a straw til I don't hurt no more
I'm giving up
and giving in
Forget about what's right and do what I like
I wanna be me
I wanna do you

Oh, God

Dear Mama,
I'm looking up
where's my Father?

Can't see Him
Don't feel Him
His voice is silent....

I'm falling.....
redeem me
save me
catch me if you want to
catch me if you can....
Will you break my fall
or just break me...?
You make the call.
I'm done talking.
I'm done praying.

There are no words left to say....
For now, stick a fork in me cause
I'm done.

April 17, 2011

Daddy, You Missed My Birthday, Again.

Dear Mr. Jeff Trotter, I have an award to present to you.....drums please, (you can give me a beat on that beautiful djembe I bought you).....I would like to present you with the award for being the "World's Worst Dad!"
(wait for applause).

As it states on the award, it is in recognition of your outstanding deadbeat parenting, which includes not seeing your kids for a year, not paying child support, not calling them in 17 months, including on their birthdays, Christmas, any other significant day, just regular days, and not doing a damn thing that matters in their lives in a positive way! BRAVO!!! You were always the BEST at what you do, and you have continued to shine!
Please take a bow.

I know you couldn't care less, but on April 13th, 2011, our son, Joshua turned 5 years old. The last time you even wished him a Happy Birthday was when he turned 2. You haven't called him or either of his siblings for any of their birthdays, in 2009, 2010, and so far, 2011. Not only have you not called, you didn't send a text, email, e-card, regular card, smoke signal, Morse code, or attempted any communication of any kind. It goes without saying that they didn't get gifts from you for anything. You know what else they didn't get for their birthdays? Their child support.

But you know something funny? On April 13, 2011, on your son's birthday, you sent Verizon $250, to keep your cell phone on. How much did you pay in child support in April? Oh, right, nothing! 

You told me when I saw you in court on March 29th, that you pay your cell phone bill instead of the child support because you have to keep the line of communication open with the kids. I had to remind you that you haven't used that open line since November 2009. Oh, but I bet I know who you are  keeping that line open for, booty calls, some as far away as Moscow. Yeah, I know about your young Russian girlfriend G. You love her and are going to marry her? That's nice and fine, but you may want to be divorced first....oh, I forgot, you told her you were. But she found out the truth, your girl looked for and found me. The internet is amazing!

To my sweet, forever smiling, Joshua, I'm so so sorry that your dad is a worthless deadbeat, that would rather pay his cell phone bill, than pay your child support so that I could have given you that birthday party at Bounce U that you wanted.

Now Jeff, I know telling the truth is difficult, if not impossible, for you. I am convinced you have an anti-social personality disorder (aka: a sociopath), so it's not your fault. You can't help it. Maybe it was being abandoned by your dad or maybe it was passed down to you in his DNA. Maybe it was growing up with a mom that was cold and distant who could tell her black male child he's nothing but a N!G&ER! Maybe you were raped by one of those Catholic priests in the schools you attended and you've suppressed it. Maybe its a little bit of all of it. Maybe it's none of it. Maybe you're just broken. I don't know and you probably won't ever know either. Here's a link to a site that helped me understand what you are, maybe it can help you too.

You have ALL of the symptoms listed. I know, because I have known you for 13 years and lived with you for ten.
Here's the reality, its incurable. Sadly, you will be this way the rest of your life. You are incapable of love and only have shallow emotions. You lack empathy remorse or guilt. You are pathologically deceitful and extremely manipulative. You don't care about your kids because you can't. You don't care about what you did to me or to their lives, because you can't. You will continue to lie about everything in your life and what you did and what really happened, because that is how you are wired. I feel sorry for you.

You wear those sunglasses all the time because you know you have to hide your eyes. You can't let people look into them, otherwise they might see the horror - a cold lifeless gaze like that of a snake. Your eyes would give you away, and people would see what you are. You are a very scary person. I'm grateful that I escaped with my life, because you are totally capable of murder and could have killed me one day. Then you would have lied about what happened saying you were defending yourself from abusive me and manipulated our children into supporting your version of events.

So maybe I can make a deal with you in terms that speak to you. We both know you only keep interfering in our lives because you want to bother me. It has nothing to do with love for the children. I sacrifice every single day of my life for them. Every single day, everything I do is for my children. I work my fingers to the bone, I get 4-5 hours of sleep a night, and I have no social life outside of them. You do nothing, that ain't love.

Yeah, you can go ahead and laugh and gloat about the fact that I can't go partying and traveling the world doing drugs & having sex with anybody, like you can. I can't sleep until the afternoon and then get up and smoke a blunt, until I go hanging out at night. Yeah, you got your life to yourself and you have your freedom. Because of that, you think I am jealous of you. Ha! Nothing could be further from the truth. You are doing it as an empty lost soul. You love no one and no one loves you.

You are sad, and then one day you are going to die - alone. You will have nothing to show for your life but a trail of bloody, broken, wounded hearts. You will stand before the judgment seat of God and you will have to give an account for your life on that day. I do NOT want to be you! My children and grand children and great grandchildren will be by my side until the end of my days. I won't have enough room in my home to contain all the cards, gifts and handmade love I will receive from them. My heart will be full to overflowing from the joy and love they will have filled my life with.

So here's the deal I'd like to make you. Since you don't pay your child support and don't intend to, why don't you trade me the child support for you staying out of our lives forever? I'll withdraw the child support petition, ask them to cancel the order, if you will sign away your parental rights completely and agree to never file another asinine petition again. You will be completely free to continue doing what you've been doing for the last 2+ years, not seeing, calling or supporting, your kids. I am so sick & tired of you and the drama you bring.
I want nothing from you. I just want to live in peace with my children.

Think about it Jeff. To be free of child support for the next 17 years, just sign away your rights and walk away forever! All your money to do with as you please, without arrears and consequences building up against you. $2,500 a month for the next 10 years is: $300,000!!! That can buy you a lot of weed and a lot of hookers. Instead of just sneaking off to the red light district of Amsterdam for a day or two, doing drugs and hookers, like you did while we were together, you can go live there!

They don't need a Jeff-in-the Box, fake dad, that pops in and out of their lives every couple of years with cornbread and dollar store toys.

For the first time, do one right thing in your life. You don't want to see them, talk to them, support them?  Fine. Then please go away forever. They don't need you. 

Solomon said it best, he wants a dad, but he doesn't want a dad like YOU!