August 14, 2099

Still I Rise

This space is for people like me, those who have been victims of domestic violence, have found their way out and are now survivors of it. It's for people who are still in their abusive relationships and situations, yearning to be free. It's for people who care about or know someone who is or has been a victim and want to help, but don't understand how.

It's for people who understand very well what abuse does to a person and helps those who have been wounded both externally and internally. It's for people who want to know more about the issue of domestic violence and the real life impact it has on individuals, families and children. It's for people who are curious and those just out here surfing.

I welcome anyone and everyone to read my experience and  share it with others. I hope to educate those who don't know anything about domestic violence and encourage those who know it all too well. I want to provide information for those who are seeking it and hope for those who are losing it. It's for those who are hurting and those who need healing.

It's not just about what domestic violence did to me, but more importantly about what God will now do through me. I invite you to witness it along with me.

Don't get it twisted, I am still in the eye of this storm in my life. I have left him, but my abuser is not letting me off so easily, he's not done yet. Since he can't get to me, he's using the long arms of the law and the court system to reach me and try to knock me around. He can't get his hands around my throat so he's withholding financial support from his four children to try and strangle and choke the life out of me.

I have done a lot of crying, but the time is coming for my mourning to turn to dancing and my sorrow to turn to joy. Trust me, those words are spoken in faith, because I don't feel like dancing or being joyful right now.

I told my husband at some point shortly after I left him, that my life has been reduced to a line out of a song:

"Eleven years out of my life,
besides the kids I have nothing to show...
I shoulda have left your a$$ a long time ago."

Well I can't say that I'm not gon' cry no more, because unlike for him, the relationship was real for me. I committed myself to him and our family no matter how hard it was and I chose to truly love him in spite of himself and the fact that he didn't deserve me or my love.

What I can say is, I will reclaim my life, my identity, my self worth and I will build a new life for me and our children out of the ashes of our former life. I will help our children heal from the trauma and fear they endured their entire lives. We will forgive him completely and be completely at peace with all he did to hurt us. I will help them see that their heavenly Father is good and not identify Him with all their earthly father did that was bad. We will all be healthy, happy and whole ~ body, mind and soul.

Which reminds me of another song...

"Shattered, but I'm not broken
Wounded, but time will heal
Heavy the load, the cross I bear
Lonely the road I trod, I dare.
Shaken, but here I stand
Weary, still I press on
Long are the nights, the tears I cry
Dark are the days, no sun in the sky,

Yet still I rise
Never to give up
Never to give in against all odds
Yet still I rise
High above the clouds
At times I feel low
Yet still I rise. "

*The picture is of the mythological bird the Phoenix, rising up out of the ashes of it's death. It is symbolic of rebirth. I too, will rise again out of the ashes of my former life.