Well at about noon today, my children and I will head over to a family fun center where they will have their first supervised visit with their father since July 27th. Unlike the other supervised visits, this one will occur down here in PA instead of NY and there won't be anyone there who is a part of the "system." This visit will be supervised by me, so it will almost be like any other time in our past when we've taken them to Chuck E. Cheese or some place else. The differences today and from now on will be the lack of interaction between their father and me and I will be carrying an order of protection. Hopefully that will ensure that on this family outing, there will be no arguing, as it was so common on outings in the past.
I'll sit off in one location and when he sits with them in between playing, it will be in another. The kids haven't been around us together since we left home in January, I hope this won't be too difficult for them. It will be strange for all of us, but I believe we'll get through it.
I asked the kids if they are excited to see their dad and I got mixed responses. Justina says, "No," Solomon says, "Not really, I'm a little scared," and Joshua with his customary ear to ear smile says, "Yes!" I try to calm their fears and reassure them that everything will be alright. That nothing bad will happen because we are in a public place and daddy doesn't want to get in trouble. I tell them that he is coming to see them so that they can have fun and he's not going to mess that up. I hope that I'm right.
We prayed over the visit the past few nights and we prayed again last night. Although for some batterers an order of protection means nothing and the thirst for revenge or desire to punish their former abusee for leaving them is worth going to jail for in their minds, I don't think my husband fits into that category. I think he loves himself, his life and his freedom too much to violate it by starting anything with me. But I can only say that is what I believe, it's not what I know. He has said and done things since this all started in an attempt to punish me that I wouldn't have thought he'd do. So you never really know someone completely, I guess.
I hope my husband focuses on the love he had for them and not the hate he has for me. His negative feelings towards me has caused him to act spitefully in ways that have hurt his children. So I hope he remembers that apart from me, that he did love these children at some time in his life. Again, at least I believe he did. But I used to believe he loved me too. Reality is often a hard pill to swallow.
I am trusting God on this and I guess that is where my belief is coming from more so than my husband's nature. I have entrusted this visit and all that occurs today into His hands and believe that all will go smoothly. And above all, I really want my kids to have a good time and a fun visit with their father.
I will let you know how it went...
