November 13, 2009

The Sexual Abuse

He was sexually abusive.

He had sex with me whenever he wanted to and as many times as he wanted. Other than my body, it had nothing to do with me. It was him gratifying himself. He lied to me about most things. But during the 2-5 minutes he used me to get himself off, he would tell me how much he loved my body. That is one of the few things he said that I believe was the truth. He didn't love me, but he loved what my body did for him. It was basically vaginal masturbation.

I was never on the pill and never wanted to be. I simply don't trust drugs and things that have to be ingested that aren't natural. So I didn't want any injections or implants that secrete drugs or hormones or anything of that nature. I didn't want to end up with cervical, breast or some other form of cancer one day. I had an IUD for 10 years prior to him and wanted to go back to that. But it cost about $500 and we didn't have insurance. He kept telling me we would get it, but somehow found other things to spend our money, excuse me, his money on. He bought condoms but rarely used them, at least not with me. That's why we have so many children together, not because I loved reproducing with him.

Having sex was not usually a mutual decision. I was usually awakened in the wee hours of the morning to being penetrated. He never asked me if I wanted to or if I was in the mood. There was no foreplay. As far as he was concerned, I was his property and he was entitled to do whatever he wanted with me whether it was hit me or screw me. Was I being raped? I'm still not sure. It wasn't violent and I didn't stop him. But I didn't stop the predator that raped me over several months when I was 14 either and I'm pretty sure that was rape.

Speaking of which, my husband once told me shortly before I left him, that I had so many children because I was raped when I was younger and he was dead serious. I looked at him and thought, "You really are insane and think you can make me believe anything you say." I asked him if that were the case, how come I only had one child from one husband when I met him at the age of 28? I don't even remember what his response was, but I'm sure it was another of his stupid attempts to use his imagined Jedi mind control.

I never told him no. I never said I had a headache, stomachache, backache or toothache. I never said I was too tired or too sick. I never said that it was "that time of the month." I never said he was a pain in my neck or behind. I never said anything that would stop him from getting what he wanted. I was too afraid it would lead to a fight, which I tried to avoid if I could. I didn't want the children awakened to another middle of the night fight, causing them to tremble with fear under their covers.

I also thought that if I kept him satisfied, then maybe he would be nice to me and he'd have no reason to cheat on me. Well I was wrong on both of those. I know now that he was unfaithful and there were times when he'd start a fight right after pleasuring himself with me.

I always felt used and if he fought me for some reason afterward, it made me feel even more used, degraded, humiliated, ashamed and brokenhearted. I was afraid and at the same time, this was the only time that he was remotely affectionate with me, so a part of me welcomed it, like an abused dog wanting a pat on the head from his master. I would usually cry quietly into my pillow until I went back to sleep, if I even could go back to sleep.

This was my husband and when he was done "doing his business," instead of feeling loved, I felt like an unloved worthless piece of meat...