April 10, 2010

Are You There God? It's Me, Tee

He said He'd never leave me nor forsake me.
So why have I been deserted in this wilderness?

He said that if I prayed anything according to His will, He'd answer my prayer.
So why are me and my children still without a home?

He said not to repay evil for evil, that vengeance was His.
So why is my husband having the time of his life while his children and wife suffer endlessly?

He said He is a God of justice.
So where is the justice when victims pay for the crimes committed against them, while their victimizer goes scott free?

He said to cast all my cares on Him because He cares for me.
So why am I still dealing with the same cares that I cast on Him over a year ago?

He said that He sees and holds each tear I cry.
Is that so He can pour them all back on me?

I don't know what to believe anymore. I believed so many things for so long. I prayed over the same things for years. I confessed & professed that God would give me the victory over the circumstances that were weighing me down and breaking my heart and He would get the glory.

None of that has happened. I feel stupid, ashamed and embarrassed for trusting Him. I feel like a fool. I sang, "How great is my God, For You are Great and I Will Trust You." I believed that the victory was in my praise, that my praise would bind up the enemy and that no weapon formed against me would prosper.

Well....my enemy is on his way to Moscow again tonight. You know the place he told the support judge he doesn't go to anymore because his business hasn't made any money since the day the kids and I left. Yeah, that Moscow.
Let me tell you about Moscow. He stays in an opulent 5 star hotel, all expenses paid. He spends his days and nights in a private "gentlemen's club/casino" (and I'm sure undercover whore house), for rich men and their mistresses.

He is served gourmet meals whenever he wants to eat. He drinks very expensive wine (hundreds of $$$ a bottle) out of crystal glasses - the kind that sings when you run your finger around the rim. He has 24 hour porn on several channels in his room. He smokes weed with his business partner and whoever else is hanging with them.

When he's not in Moscow, he's in NY living in the home that he used to share with his family. He can bring whatever sluts he wants to sleep in the bed we shared. He sleeps when he wants, wakes when he wants, goes where he wants when he wants, does what he wants when he wants to do it. He spends days and nights with his lesbian daughter and pathetic old ass ex-girlfriend, painting the town red and burning up the bed in her Manhattan skyrise at night.

The life I live is the exact opposite of that. Our accommodations are -5 star. I rarely get any time to myself, not to think or even use the bathroom. I think I may have been out on my own without any of the kids twice in the past 15 months. I am with one to four children 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I have been sharing a single room with my kids for eight months. I share a bed with my kids at night and the only thing burning up my bed is urine.

I have no peace, no quiet - EVER. I am constantly breaking up fights, being ignored, talked back to disrespectfully, dealing with a range of behavioral issues, cleaning pee from the toilet, floor and walls, wiping poopy butts and spitup, picking up food, clothes, toys and garbage off the floor, out of the car and everywhere else.

We live out of suitcases, but we never board a plane. Our feet never leave the ground. There are no gourmet meals for us. No expensive wine and crystal goblets for me. No drugs to help me feel like life ain't so bad. Nothing to comfort me. Oh wait, that's supposed to be God right?


The way things are going....I don't know what's going to happen to us.

Nothing that is happening to us is fair, right or just, from my point of view. The wicked man that didn't love his wife as God told him to and hurt her in every way imaginable, terrified and damaged his kids maybe for life, and destroyed his family is LOVING his life.

Me on the other hand....I wish I was...............anyway.

No one in his life has a problem with the fact that the family that he used to have, has vanished into thin air. Not his mother, his friends, his business partners or associates. No one will stand up to this a$$hole and tell him that what he did and continues to do to his wife and children is despicable. No one will stand up and say, "I can't stomach to even be around someone like you." Maybe they actually believe that cockamamie story about being the victim of my abuse.

I'm beginning to feel like the abuse was actually better than what we're going through now. If I'm going to lose my mind anyway, it would've been easier to lose it without having to be penniless & homeless first.

Was I not supposed to leave, God? Was I supposed to let him break a few more of my bones?
Was I supposed to stay and continue being that godly example to win the heart of my husband?

I thought I was.

I thought that's why he turned to You and joined me and the children in serving You.
But he was living a lie and because of that, so were the children, so was I. You knew he was a fraud, why didn't You let me know sooner?

God, if You're not going to help me, don't continue to break me, just please take me. I really, really can't do this anymore.

I can't tell anyone about Your goodness, favor or mercy, because I'm not experiencing it. I believe the good things that happened for us before were just because of nice people and lucky breaks.

Getting sole custody of the kids was no biggie. Jeff doesn't really want them, he just wants to use them to get at me. So of course he'd agree for me to have all the responsibility of raising them by myself. He wants the title of daddy without the work and commitment of a father. He's abandoned his child before. This isn't new for him.

The kids got into a great school because I begged and some kind people had mercy on us. The support order is a worthless piece of paper that no one is going to enforce on him, it's a joke. Christmas was good because of our family, dear friends and a nice woman that met us, felt compassion for us and asked her company to adopt us. And those kind people were touched with the Christmas spirit and generosity.

We have been asking YOU for a place to live for over a year!!!

Where is it God????? Where is it?????

We have continued to pray for the person that has caused all our pain and misery. Did you touch his heart of stone so that he would choose to do the right thing? NO!!!!!

WHAT THE F#$% IS THIS S#!&???!!!!

I'll tell you what it is.
It's mean.
It's cold.
It's cruel.
It's heartless.
It's sadistic.
It's crushing.

It's clear to me that the kids and I are on our own and have been all along.

You're supposed to be our perfect heavenly Father.
My kids won't ever know what a good father is and I have three boys to raise. I can't be an example of a good man or a good father. I am doing my best just to be a decent mother.

You really, really, let me down. You let us all down.

Here's some pictures of where the lying, abusive, deadbeat that owes us $20,000 will be staying while on his latest trip to Moscow. You know the trip he will tell the court he never took or took but wasn't paid. When in actuality he will have already taken his cut that would be more than enough to pay us what he owes in full and still have enough left over to take his nasty ho on her annual pilgrimage to Japan and pay for the hundreds of dollars in parking tickets that he gets in front of her apartment building when he goes to dig her out.

The apartment building of his geisha ho.