April 20, 2010

Help My Unbelief

I've learned that being a Christian doesn't mean that I'm perfect, and when I mess up, it doesn't mean that I'm a hypocrite or a phony. It means that I am human and I am loved and forgiven by an amazing, loving, kind and merciful God who bestows grace on me as a free gift.

I am glad that God doesn't do everything I ask Him to. I am glad that He doesn't leave me alone, even though I may scream at Him to do that and to keep the future He has for me to Himself, because the pain I feel at the time doesn't make it seem worth having.

I know that I desperately need God in my life. Doing things on my own doesn't make much sense to me if God can do it. He'll do it right the first time. But sometimes, I get frustrated and impatient with God's timing. I mean He's out of the realm of time, and we live our lives by the clock and the calendar, so we feel the pressure of the tick & the tock. It's hardest most of all when we aren't just waiting, but waiting in pain. So in my pain and frustration, I sometimes yell at God, usually in private. I also ask for forgiveness, A LOT! It's all usually kept between me and God, the way a lawyer and client have secret conversations that no one else knows about.

Well this time I wanted to publicly apologize to my heavenly father. If I can yell at him in front of others, I should apologize in front of others too.

Lord, all I can say is, I'm sorry. Thank you so much for being so good to me. I guess I still don't completely comprehend the way you love me. You stick by me no matter what I say or do, and my behavior doesn't cause you to change your mind about the good things you have planned for my life. I can throw the biggest temper tantrum, kicking and screaming like any other 2 year old child and you patiently wait for me to quiet down and allow you to hold me.

You don't always give me what I want when I want it. You have your reasons why and I see more and more as I journey through life with you that when you time it, it comes out just right. Ok, perfectly. I have become more patient than I used to be. I have become more faithful than I used to be. I trust you more and more with every trial and test. But sometimes, fear and fatigue creep in causing me to doubt you.

For those times when I don't trust you as I should, Lord help my unbelief. Forgive me for tripping in the post before last. You probably laughed at me as I sometimes laugh at my kids when they bug out. Forgive me for kicking you to the curb for a minute. I know you know my heart and you know that I would never walk away from you and turn back to Egypt. There's nothing for me back there but death. I will always need you in my life and thank you for promising to always be there for me and with me. You help me when I'm under attack and when I make a mess of things. Forgive me for every word and deed I do, that disappoints and grieves you.

I take back everything I said.

My kids and I have never been alone. Nothing that happened was an accident, coincidence or lucky break. No one would have done for us what they did if they weren't being led by you. You connected every dot and opened every door. Through others, you met every need and gave us every victory.

There will never come a time when I could or would want to do this life thing without you. That thought is frightening.

You are never
sadistic or

You are good all the time. You are kind all the time. You are merciful all the time. You are loving all the time. You are uplifting all the time. You are faithful all the time.

I can tell people about these attributes of you because I know it personally. I have and continue to experience it.

You are healing us more and more everyday. There won't be any lifelong damage from anything we've been through. And my children have the greatest example of a father in the universe. They have learned so much about your goodness and how you love us because of what we've been through. I couldn't teach it to them by just telling them in the depth that they have learned by watching you do what you do.

You are so awesome God. I love you and I know that you really do love me and care about what affects me in my life. You put it all together and honestly, your timing was excellent when I stop to think about it. There is no way I would have accomplished what you did in 15 months.

I give you all the glory, honor and praise that you alone deserve.

In my next post, I'll let you know all the things that came together last week and how God has brought us into a new season. He turned things around and I believe is opening the windows of heaven......

Here's a link to a song that's been on my mind for the past week. I was overwhelmed with all the blessings that God poured out last week, especially since I had just reached the end of my rope with all that's been happening. This is an old song by The Winans, but it came back to me as God showed Himself to me in all that He made happen.

Lord, I believe....forgive and help my unbelief.

"Lord, I Believe!"

A man came to Jesus
Saying "Sir will you help my child,
Evil spirits come over him
And make him act so wild

They cast him into fire
And his life he tries to take
And I am rendered helpless
While my son just pines away

I took him to your disciples
But they didn't have the cure
They said if you just touch him
Then he'd be made whole"

Jesus said "Sir do you have faith in me
All things are possible
If you can just believe"

(He cried)
Lord I believe
With your help I'll see
Lord I believe
Help my unbelief

Verse 2:
We're buffed about with trials
When heartaches are felt
When tried in the fire
Our courage begins to melt

Just like that man did back then
So do we today
When faced with the mountain
We let doubt get in the way

Jesus said if we have faith
The size of a mustard seed
He would make possible
Our impossibilities


It's always hard to see your way with the natural eye
So we cry
Help me, help me to see

Can't do it on our own no matter how we try
So we cry
Help me, help me to see
Help me, help me believe

Chorus x5

I believe
Lord remove all doubt
I believe

I believe
Lord increase my faith
I believe

I believe
Lord I believe
I believe...

I believe (x4)