October 11, 2010

He Wasn't Always Bad

You know, in spite of all the evil and harm my husband caused me, he wasn't a bad guy all the time. That's one of the things that made it possible for me to stay with him as long as I did. It was almost like living with someone that was bipolar or had a split personality. He was smart, talented, creative, funny, and thoughtful at times. Because he wasn't damaged at all in the way he was damaging me, he could be very laid back and more playful with the kids than I was sometimes.

The best birthday gift Jeff had ever treated me to, was a trip to a spa called, Lord & Whisper. I just came across the keepsake mirror that I got as a gift from my experience there, while cleaning out a box the other day. Seeing the mirror made me feel sad, because I remember that day so clearly, it was such a good day. I had been asking Jeff for years, to treat me to a day at a spa as a Mother's Day, Christmas, birthday, or "you just had another baby for me," gift, and he had finally done it! After the spa, we went to Prospect Park in Brooklyn where we sat out in the beautiful summer sun and weather and listened to poet laureate Amiri Baraka and others read poetry. Then he took me to a very nice soul food restaurant for dinner.

Ironically, it would be the last birthday I'd ever celebrate with him. Five months later the kids and I would be gone forever.

This back and forth in his personality, created hope. It created the hope that things could actually be better one day. If he could just get over the abusive stuff, he'd be a good husband and father. I enlisted God's help, believing that nothing was impossible for God. So I prayed over him, our marriage, our family and for myself for years and years. I was determined to get the victory and have a powerful testimony about how God can change the worst of the worst of relationships. But only God knew that hoping my husband would change was a road that was leading to nowhere.

In the early months after leaving my husband, there were times I wept because I missed the times that were good. I missed all that I hoped our relationship could be. I missed what I hoped to be able to give my children - a whole family, not a broken one.

Unfortunately, my husband wasn't on the same page as I was. He wasn't going to allow God's loving power to change his nature. He was going to hold on to his abusive nature even if it killed our family - and it did.

Sometimes I missed him, and no matter which way I thought about him, the good Jeff or the bad one, it hurt a lot. The pain was deep.

 But time does heal wounds and God heals what time can't, faster than time ever could.