March 11, 2010

Is It Duck Season Already?

I saw a bee yesterday.

It was kinda strange because it isn't even officially spring yet and we still have traces of the last big snow storm on the ground. What was a bee doing out in March?

The  bee wasn't flying, it was walking slowly on the ground right next to where I had just parked my car, as though it couldn't fly. I watched it for about a minute and thought to myself, "See, that's what you get for trying to come out too early." I don't like bees.

Another thing happened yesterday.

My order of protection expired.

So, I guess now my husband can begin harassing me again. I bet he had the date circled on his calendar. He's free to be what he was before, a violent obsessive maniac. Fortunately, he doesn't know where we live.

I hope that after a year he has grown out of the desire to physically fight with me. But once a batterer, always batterer. There is no cure for battererism (my own word), except for Jesus and my husband doesn't know Him and apparently the way he's chosen to live his life, doesn't want to.

When you choose to follow Christ, you have to give up some things, like violent behavior, adultery, lying, cheating, and not taking care of your children. You don't give up these things because God will hate you if you do. You give them up because of His love for you and your desire to return that love to Him.

Since there is no man made cure for being abusive and violent, there should be no expiration on protection orders. I mean, I know it's only a piece of bull$h!t paper and if someone really wants to hurt you, they will. But for those batterers that are still semi-sane and enjoy their freedom, it is a bit of a deterrent.

I guess only time will tell what he does. But he's so sneaky and conniving, that I have to be on my guard and suspect that he's always up to something. He earns tens of thousands of dollars in cash that he can do whatever he wants with since he doesn't support his children with it. He hired a lawyer to keep that money away from his kids, he hired a lawyer to try and take my kids from me.

Would he hire a bad man to hurt me?

I have lived long enough and seen enough to know NOT to put anything past anybody. Everyone is capable of everything. And considering the fact that he's a sociopath, I can't ever say what he won't do.

I came across an interesting website by accident one day called: Love  If you click on the link "Key Symptoms," on the left, they describe my husband to a tee. When I read through the links, the hair on the back of my neck stood up and it sent a chill down my spine to realize that I was in a relationship with a sociopath for almost 11 years, tried to love him and sadly had children with him. But it all made sense and explained various things I saw in his personality that had always bothered me.

It also helped me finally understand why I never felt like he truly loved me, even when he would say it. Deep down inside I didn't believe it, but closer to the top, I wanted to. If he loved me then there would be hope that he could change, that one day he could actually be good to me and our family. But the truth is he couldn't love me and was never sorry for anything he did to me or exposed his children to, because sociopaths are incapable of love, remorse, guilt or empathy.

Well, as I've been doing for many years now, I will have to continue to trust God. I pray for His protection around us every day. Although I may feel somewhat exposed and sorta kinda like a sitting duck at the start of duck season with an idiot hunter desperate to stuff and mount my head on his wall, I have to believe God has a better plan for my life than that. I'm hoping that it's "coming to his senses" season and he'll give up this foolish hunt.

Anyway, enough of that! Time to laugh. Here's a link to a video of a Bugs Bunny episode titled, "Rabbit Fire." Ironically, it's one of my favorite episodes. Just throwing it in for fun! I can laugh about anything, no matter how unfunny it may be.

"Rabbit Fire"