March 23, 2010


What do you do when you don't know what to do anymore?
What do you do when you've done all you feel you could do, should do, know to do?

The Word of God says to stand. Donnie McClurkin sings it.

Well, I've stood. I know I've been working hard to keep my kids' life as stable and close to normal as possible. There isn't a lazy bone in my body. It shows in my face as my dark circles get worse from getting up early and going to bed late. It shows in my hands which are perpetually dry, cracked and calloused. It shows in my arm which has ached for months with a case of tendonitis. A trip to the doctor ended with me being told to "stop doing" what I did to cause the injury.

Okay. Sure.

Tell me doc, how do I stop taking care of my kids? There's no nanny around. Tell me how to move our shit from place to place every couple of months. (Ooops! I said a bad word.) There's no man around. Tell me how to move my infant from one place to another when he can't walk. Tell me how to do that and I'll stop doing what I did to cause the injury.

It shows in my mind that some times just comes up blank and empty. I always have a "to do" list, but some days I just can't do my "to do."

I feel like I'm not helping anyone at all. That was the point of my being here in the blogoshpere. I wanted to use my experience to make a difference. I'm not sure that's happening because I'm weary from what's been happening to me. I didn't intend to be another raving lunatic out here on the great wide web, talking nonsense.

I feel like I'm starting to vent, complain and whine too much.
I feel like I'm giving in to the negativity that has been inflicted upon me and that I'm starting to give it back.

I feel lost. I don't know where I am, where I'm going, what's happening or what direction to go in next.

I've asked God for guidance to the point of pleading and begging and I'm sure it's probably just me, but I don't hear Him talking.

I'm feeling very alone.

I didn't create this mess, but I'm the one left to clean up this Exxon Valdez size disaster by myself with a plastic spoon and a paper towel.

"It'll be alright. You're strong. You'll get through this. God won't put on you more than you can bear."


Maybe I can just be mad. Can't I be weak? Maybe I won't get through this. And here's a newsflash.......GOD DOES ALLOW MORE TO COME ON US THAN WE CAN BEAR!!!

I really thought that was a scripture in the bible and I was convinced that I had seen it and read it with my own eyes. I tore my bible up trying to find it. But you know what?


It's another scripture that has been twisted by mankind. It is a clichè. It is just a saying. It is like, "cleanliness is next to godliness." It comes from 1 Corinthians 10.13 which states, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." This scripture is talking about temptation, NOT trials and tribulations. Remember, Jesus promised us we would have them in this life.

God can and does allow whatever He wants to happen to us to happen and there's nothing we can do about it. It's all about His plan and His purposes.

Does it mean that I don't love God if I get a little tired of His plan? Not at all. It means I'm human and have a breaking point. Does it mean that I can't recover from it all? Nope. It means that I will stagger and sometimes fall as I try to get back on my feet.

Does this mean that I'm useless to others? I hope not, cause then none of this $%#&! made any sense if I can't. I guess I'm supposed to always mention something about my situation with my husband or abuse and violence, victims or survivors in every blog.

Sometimes I'm just me.

The victim turned survivor.

The wife that's only a mother.

The believer that's only human.