September 24, 2009

Your Move Chessmaster

It's funny. When I had to bring the kids back and forth 6 hours round trip to New York and deliver them to my husband, it was all good. He acted like he missed them so much as his lawyer played the violin in court about how little he had seen his kids in the months since we left him. But now that everything is settled and the case is over, there is no word from him.

The settlement that was reached and agreed to by all parties stated that he could see his kids every Saturday for 3 hours. But I think what's holding him up from contacting me to arrange a visit with the kids is that I will be supervising them. He had no problem going to the ACS (Administration for Children's Services) office when they were supervising them. He had no problem going and actually paying a social worker to supervise the visits. Now mind you, the visits were only 1 hour with the social worker and ACS.

So having 2 extra hours with his sons and not having to pay anyone for them should be very appealing to him. But since September 10th, not a peep. It doesn't bother me because I really don't care if we never speak again, but I thought he was this heartbroken father that was desperate for his kids.

I got a phone call yesterday from a very nice gentleman that is with the agency my husband took his parenting skills course and where he will be attending his domestic violence series. He explained to me that my husband contacted them to get them involved in setting up and supervising the visits between him and his children. Being that the kids and I are in PA and they are in NY, they suggested he find an agency down here that could assist him with it.

Apparently, my husband gave this gentleman the impression that dealing with me would be problematic. Well, I had a nice long chat with this man and summed up the last 10 years of my life with my husband and the outcome of the recent petitions that were before the court. I explained to him that I am the one that suggested back in July that if he wanted to settle things with me, he could come see the kids three times a week during the summer and on Saturdays once school started if he wanted to and that I would bring them to a public place to do so.

I let him know that my husband agreed to this and signed this in court 2 weeks ago and raised no issue of there being a problem dealing with me, because the truth is I was never his problem. I was no threat to him and didn't disturb the peace in our lives, he did. I didn't like having to fight with him. I didn't like being scared and getting hurt. But I realize that depending on who he is talking to, he plays the persecuted and abused husband angle differently based on whatever agenda he has going on in his mind.

I also let him know that my husbad has always prided himself in his ability to be able to talk anyone into anything, out think and out strategize most people and considered that one of his most prized attributes. The other thing he needed to know was that he is a pathological liar.

After our conversation, I believe he now had more of a complete picture, one that made sense based on everything that is going on from what he can see. Like rape, abuse is about power and control. It's not about someone having an anger problem in and of itself, like rape isn't about someone being so horny or turned on by someone that they just have to have it right then and there. It's about exercising power over someone, and my husband made it clear that is they way he saw things. He was the king and controlled his little kingdom with fear and aggression.

So I believe that he'd rather go to another organization and have a stranger supervise visits between him and his children because he lost the power and control over the situation with me. For him to have to be supervised by me during his visits would be more painful than walking across hot coals. To him, I would be in the position of authority over him. What he can't comprehend is that I don't live my life that way and don't feel like the boss of anyone (other than the kids, lol). In addition to that, I believe he knows that he can fool people who don't know him better than he can fool me and I can see through the show he usually puts on.

It's not a big deal to me, I wouldn't be coming to gloat. I would simply bring the kids at the time and place we agree to meet, find somewhere to sit at a distance and just wait quietly until the visit is over. I will have the baby with me, you know, his other son that he is not claiming, and be occupied with taking care of him. It's funny, during one of those court moments, he asked to be able to spend time with the newborn when he is born. But I guess that was before the money thing.

Anyway, seeing that I wasn't the horrible unreasonable monster that my husband keeps making me out to be to those that don't know any better, the man that I spoke to said that he would have Jeff contact me to set up the visits. The court didn't order another agency to supervise visits and I will not go along with that.

My kids don't need to meet yet another stranger that will sit next to them and watch their father's lips move as he talks and laughs loudly and acts overly excited with them. No one can see his eyes, those mirrors to his soul, because he keeps on his very dark sunglasses when he visits with his children. It's easier to lie with your mouth than with your eyes. He is a facade of himself to his own kids. How sad.

Maybe another reason he is hesitant to contact me is that he is ashamed of the things he has said and done in these past 8 months. Maybe he is afraid to face me alone, without hiding behind his lawyer. Perhaps he thinks I am angry and will try to get back at him somehow. Nothing could be further from the truth, I'm not a vindictive person. If someone doesn't like me, I just leave them alone. I don't waste energy in hating and being mad at them.

I know that I could never be in a relationship with him again because he is an abusive person. But if only he could see inside my heart where I still hold love for him. It's locked away, but it's there. If only he knew that if I had only 1 wish in this world that could be granted to me, I would use it on him. I would wish that he would be a changed man. One that is good, loves God and in turn loves his wife and children the way that he should. Then we could be a family again, but not the family we were before. A family residing in the kingdom of God where love, righteousness, peace, joy and true happiness abide. (Romans 14.7)

In this chess board that he has set up for us in which his opening game strategy was to be aggressive and attack, beating me as quickly and easily as he had in the few chess games I played with him over the years. It is clear that he didn't anticipate the moves that I would make and the middle game is not going as he had expected. Without any aggression or return fire, but by just telling the truth and trusting God, the game has turned around in my favor.

I use the word "game" for this analogy, but this is anything but a game. This is real life, with real pain and real victims and there's no fun or good humor involved. But for what it is, it's now his move and again his choice to decide in which way the end game will go.